Recap. Because I'm fucking lovely and saving you the horror. If anyone ninjas me I'll feed them to Fat Albert.
@L_I_F_T_E_D you ninja'd me. Shniffle.
Hey guize
Fuck off (this is going to go badly. I already want to smash the screen)
She asks how we are. She doesn't care, it's just so she can tell us she's utterly fabulous, just as you would expect a quarter ton of lard and dumbth to be. She thanks us for asking; dunno about you but I didn't. She looks like a truly exceptional toddler today; thin, stringy orange plait is the new bows/bun combo. Good, I can use it as a handle to carry her head around when Rickie finally loses it and decapitates her. And remember the hideously glitzy naff crimbo tree? She's wearing it as earrings. All of it. She has a Great-Pacific-Gyre'sworth of hideous plastic earrings, I am pleased that she had endeavoured to choose the worst ones. Achievement unlocked. Have a bun.
Apparently we need an app that is amazeeeen it's like this thing and that thing and she doesn't really know but you rully rully need it it's awesome. Well, I'm sold.
Apparently she walked for 3 minutes. Citation fucking needed. Screenshot of phone showing a time. I believe now. She'd not just put a timer on and let it run, not our gorl. She not a lah.
We're off to do more
lumbereen walkeeen but Swo-lynn is in da house. We are Proud of ourselves for this mighty achievement. Er...what? Turning a timer on?
Holy Jesus fuck....we're off outside. insert gif of Jurassic Park glass shaking. Followed by Jurassic Park T-Rex shaking in terror. Some form of ambulation is being considered but we're having a sit and think about it first...I think that might be an arm. Please tell me I am wrong.
Aaaand we're off to The Tree, which is trying to uproot itself and run away. Thud squelch thud squelch reeeeeeeee (that's the leggeeeeeenz screaming in agony) There is a large tube of turkey tied to a stick in front of her head and our gorl WILL get that turkey....THUD SQUELCH THUD SQUELCH. We've left the phone behind to capture all the glory.
2.05 ominous grrrrowl noise. Are the leggeeeeens about to give up? Are we having a little dainty fart sichewayshun? Oh no, just a tractor starting up. Rickie must be doing more work.
We're at the tree. Earthquakes have occurred, tsunamis blooshed landwide, but still out gorl lumbers on.....
And we watch...
And watch....
Kill me.
Jeeeezus, this is taking forever. At least she's not talki- ah fuck. Ruined the moment. Twinkie Storrrr is now traumatized; this vuhlooorg is on track.
Ooof wheeeeeze ooooof wheeeeze ooooof. The behemoth's back hurts and...wheeeeze......hufff......Breathlynn....Backlynn...But WE WILL KEEP TRYING, GOOORLZ! Again, we are...huff.....Proud. Gasp.
Wants....Holy baby Jesus and all the angels on an iced cream bun....She wants you to DM on insta to tell her how to walk. I shit you not. DM Albert and tell her how to walk.
In shop. Gone ham, apparently. No idea what that means but it was unlikely to be pleasant for the ham. Talk talk bore bore. Hulthy....starting slow....drivel.....know own pace...get back to hulthy....look, green stuff (scrambled to hide chocolate covered lard slabs)
Oh. Stealth weather is freaking her out. Surpriiise. It's outside, but she'th thcared. Uwu.
Now we're home again, great editing. Used camera y'day, not using it today, blah blah drone it's all too hard and editing and phone and boooore and my ears have divorced me
Food. Trying to say Mediteranean. Failing. Beetus paws stroke food as Thumbo looks on, wishing Kate Winslett would caress her flesh beard thusly. Albert dribbles gently on the packaging. It's chocolate (I think? You know I'm not rully
listening) so "hulthy" lasted less time than particles take to circle an atom smasher. Breaking the laws of fizzix, along with the chairs...floor....Rickie's sanity....But she walked to the tree,you hatuurz. She deserves a treat.
Those of a delicate disposition, look away. Feeder porn/dump truck at work.
Fuck me, she's scarfing at a rate. She likes whatever shit this is of course she does because it's food. Still talking about food food food back to first food she likes food not so much this food (crams massive pawful in anyway) but....sput...first food good food. Hideous noises emanate. We're a Happy Hippo now, blurp.
AAAARGGHHHH HORRIBLE LESBIOTIC SEX MOMENT (Thumbo is going to
smear lard all over her love then barbecue her massage the beast. EW. At least no oils are needed to braise our blessed bloater; she produces her own lubricating cheese.
Thankfully we were spared the deets and now we're doing SIMS. Ludicrously thin AL made by Thumbo which Albert feels is accurate...... then the beast cackles until she wheezes over Thumbo's own thinner SIM. It's HUHiLARious how thin Thumbo made her own sim and Al needs to point it out even if she dies trying,huff wheeeze, hufff. No irony here, gorls. What a cunt.
She's been watching a theeeeeng on telly it's rully rully good and you should watch it. Again, sold to T. Clanger, my we're on a roll today.
She thinks she's going to end the vuhlog here great I've clicked out faster than she followed that nosebag.
Summary.
Watch the walking and wheezing. Fuck the rest in the arse with a rusty spork.
FIN.
Field notes: the word "walked" is used herein as an over-arching verb covering any form of perambulatory movement except the scootypuff. She needed that, she'd walked to the tree.
There is no appropriate word for the specific movement and I haven't made one up yet (tho "bloofumpeting" is a strong contender. ) However, the motion can best be described as that of the Herculean effort involved when you decide to move a bloody huge wardrobe on your own and just sort of...graunch it from side-to-side. Albert, of course, is assisted by having limbs so she essentially throws one of these gargantuan lumps in front of her and momentum does the rest. After around ten seconds all outlying areas have more or less come to rest, and the next monumental limb is hurled forth.
Unfortunately our researcher's notes end abruptly at that point. It is feared he was crushed underfoot. RIP, poor squashed person.
