Careercow Vincent Gallo - director, artist, and gigolo.

[Rev. Rye]

Some of you may have heard of this guy; he's directed several films, appeared in small roles in some others, and fancies himself a Renaissance man, dabbling in music and painting, claiming to have retired from painting in 1990 precisely to "deny people my beautiful paintings; and I did it out of spite" . He also claimed to have ambitions to become more like the "becoming more like the stereotype of the Republican Party," and wishes he looked "more like [American conservative journalist] George Will." But his politics are far from the only thing that makes him truly ridiculous.

Here's his official website.

But what really takes the cake is his store. Here are some excerpts from his "personal services" section.

For $50,000 you can hire him as an escort.

Have you ever watched a movie and fallen in love with one of the actors? The way they looked or a character they played? Afterwards you thought of them over and over. Daydreaming, imagining things, sexy things.

I can't imagine anyone thinking like that about you.

So believe me, I know and understand what it's like to wish and dream about spending time with a movie star. Doing things that couples do. Couples in love. At least couples where the guy is hot and knows how to handle a chick.

He really does sound like Tommy Wiseau here. Unfortunately, it seems he's definitely American-born and bred, so he has no excuse.

I, Vincent Gallo, star of such classics as Buffalo 66 and The Brown Bunny have decided to make myself available to all women. All women who can afford me, that is. For the modest fee of $50,000 plus expenses, I can fulfill the wish, dream, or fantasy of any naturally born female. The fee covers one evening with Vincent Gallo. For those who wish to enjoy my company for a weekend, the fee is increased to a mere $100,000.

I've never hired a male escort, but, somehow, I doubt $50,000 counts as a modest fee.

Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused.

Even black chicks. It's almost like OPL wrote this.

However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way Jose. However, female couples of the lesbian persuasion can enjoy a Vincent Gallo evening together for $100,000. $200,000 buys the lesbos a weekend. A weekend that will have them second-guessing.

This sounds like something Our Pet Lolcow would have written for the "Carlos Chantor" profile.

And, if you think $50,000 is too cheap for a night out, he's selling his seed for $1 million. Yes, you read that right.

If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts.

So, be fully prepared to shell out even more than $1 million if it doesn't take.

If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself.

Or maybe you could save money by just doing it on your $50k date.

Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.)

I'll bet Lebensborn would be proud.

I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt.

I honestly don't know what to say to that.

Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration.

So, you're willing to whore yourself out to black women, but you draw the line at one of them bearing your child?

In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount.

Jesus, I thought I was kidding about the Nazi connection!

Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.

Maybe not acting like a self-indulgent jackass might help, too, Vincent.

Suddenly, paying $300 for a pub crawl with Coleslaw seems positively humble by comparison.

 

[telegramsamo]

Is this real? I've never seen Buffalo 66, but I've heard of it before and it seems somewhat popular, it's got Christina Ricci in it and everything. Funny thing is, I've always thought the guy who played in it is ugly as fuck.

Also, it looks like the message boards on his site are down. I wonder why.

 

[CWCissey]

I loved Buffalo 66 but it's clear that the guy was an arsehole, even off set.

I swear he alienated himself from Hollywood when he made repeated insulting comments about Christina Ricci's weight.

That's probably the healthiest I've seen her!

 

[Carlson]

Vincent Gallo? He's the guy in The Brown Bunny that Chloe Sevigny gave head to.

 

[CatParty]

Eh not really a lolcow. Just a wannabe "artist". Plus there's a thread for celebrities.

viewtopic.php?f=21&t=3413

 

[soIregistered]

The stuff from his website is real, but it's because he thinks he's being funny and ironic. He's a complete assclown. What he is most of all is a gigantic failure. He hasn't received as much acclaim and success from his movies as he would have you believe. He's over 50, has never had a hit, his looks are long gone, he knows his best days are behind him and he wasted them doing pretentious dreck and alienating anyone who worked with him. No one likes him.

I thought of him earlier tonight as I watched Spike Jonze win an Oscar. Gallo HATES Spike Jonze, talked about what a boring back he was...regardless, he now has something Gallo will never win. And he can pretend that it doesn't bother him, but it does.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

Vincent Gallo? He's the guy in The Brown Bunny that Chloe Sevigny gave head to.

Never forget.

 

[Carlson]

Vincent Gallo? He's the guy in The Brown Bunny that Chloe Sevigny gave head to.

Never forget.

She says she needed therapy after it.

 

[Trombonista]

He also got into a feud with Roger Ebert over The Brown Bunny.

 

[soIregistered]

He also got into a feud with Roger Ebert over The Brown Bunny.

Ebert's response was priceless after Gallo called him fat. "Someday, I might be thin, but you'll still be the director of The Brown Bunny."

 

[Saney]

I'm pretty tempted to try to hire him, just to squick him out.
...
Who wants to lend me $20,000?

 

[telegramsamo]

I'm pretty tempted to try to hire him, just to squick him out.
...
Who wants to lend me $20,000?

Sorry Saney.

No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way Jose.

 

[Saney]

I'm pretty tempted to try to hire him, just to squick him out.
...
Who wants to lend me $20,000?

Sorry Saney.

No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way Jose.

That's exactly why I want to do it. To make him squirm.

 

[Judge Holden]

He also got into a feud with Roger Ebert over The Brown Bunny.

Ebert's response was priceless after Gallo called him fat. "Someday, I might be thin, but you'll still be the director of The Brown Bunny."

I prefer Ebert's second comment after Gallo ranted about how he wished ebert would get colon cancer

"I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than 'The Brown Bunny.'"

As for gallo, frankly I could not have made a better caricature of the stereotypical ultra pretentious and self important yet completely lacking in talent "artist" if you paid me.

 

[c-no]

I'm pretty tempted to try to hire him, just to squick him out.
...
Who wants to lend me $20,000?

I'll lend you the imaginary 20 grand if you can bring to me a living pastel pony that I can make into a wife, 500 souls of love-shys you have slain, and the beating hearts of me, Judge Holden, and yourself.

 

[Carlson]

I'm pretty tempted to try to hire him, just to squick him out.
...
Who wants to lend me $20,000?

I'll lend you the imaginary 20 grand if you can bring to me a living pastel pony that I can make into a wife, 500 souls of love-shys you have slain, and the beating hearts of me, Judge Holden, and yourself.

AND 100 FORESKINS OF PHILISTINES

 

[c-no]

I'm pretty tempted to try to hire him, just to squick him out.
...
Who wants to lend me $20,000?

I'll lend you the imaginary 20 grand if you can bring to me a living pastel pony that I can make into a wife, 500 souls of love-shys you have slain, and the beating hearts of me, Judge Holden, and yourself.

AND 100 FORESKINS OF PHILISTINES

The foreskins are optional but don't forget the Cannes version of "The Brown Bunny" but keep it with you as a possible mean of squicking Vincent Gallo.

 

[Saney]

I'll lend you the imaginary 20 grand if you can bring to me a living pastel pony that I can make into a wife, 500 souls of love-shys you have slain, and the beating hearts of me, Judge Holden, and yourself.

The Loveshiess and the hearts will be easy, it's the pony that's going to be tricky. I guess I'll have to break into Lauren Faust's secret pony garden.

 

[CWCissey]

The Loveshiess and the hearts will be easy, it's the pony that's going to be tricky. I guess I'll have to break into Lauren Faust's secret pony garden.

Or get into genetic manipulation

 

[c-no]

Or get into genetic manipulation

I think I'll prefer Faust secret pony garden. Getting back to Gallo, is there any lol-cow worthy thing he has done lately?