0:00 - What the actual fuck is this shit? Flung hair, tongue poke, sparkles, dumb music? I fucking loathe her new intro. Ugh. Let’s hope it dies quickly like her other intros have.
0:07 - Gotta love how the sparkles make it look like she typed Amberlynn Reia. Or maybe she DID type Reia. It wouldn’t surprise me if she typo’d her own fucking name.
0:08 - EAR RAPE. AUGH. So her volume control is already all over the place. We go from some crap music at reasonable volume to her ‘HEY GUISEEEE!!!’ at shriek-levels. And she even cut into her ‘HEY’ so it’s just ‘E GUISE!!!’ Lovely editing, you putz.
0:15 - Oh yay, it’s first v-vlog. At least that’s what I heard. They’re going to Trader Joe’s. It’s AL’s first time. Maybe /this/ is what she meant by rebranding - she’s going to a whole different store to buy shit! Woo! So same content, different location = rebrand. Oh, and her lighting is absolute shit.
She does ask if Necky’s been, and Necky confirms she’s never been, either.
0:26 - TMILynn expounds upon why it’s her first time going to Trader Joe’s - she went once before back when she was in school, but it was just to pee. Thanks for the information that was completely unnecessary.
0:29 - Of note, our gorl looks like she’s been flat out punched in the eye socket and has a hellish blemish beside her bruised peeper. Yikes. Lookin’ rough, AL.
0:35 - ‘So yeah! Welcome to the vlog. We’re going to have a little grocery haul for you guys.’ So no change to your content at all. FFS. A new retarded intro does not make a rebrand, you moron.
0:40 - Timewalk. She didn’t film in Trader Joe’s. They’re back in their apartment, most’ve the lights are off, and she’s going to show us all the shit she got.
0:46 - First thing she grabs is a big bag of chips, while loudly squawking that some stuff is Necky’s and some stuff is her’s. Just admit that everything is yours, AL. We know you’re going to partake anyway. Then she blames Necky for going on a sweet kick, so expect anything with sugar to be Necky’s.
LIST OF SHIT:
Organic air popped popcorn
Crispy Crunchy Ginger “CHONK” cookies (supposedly for Hannah and Rafe)
Georgia Pecan Butterscotch Chip cookies
Freeze-dried berry medley
A ‘full thing’ (it’s a box, moron) of peaches (which she says she’s excited about, but as I recall she doesn’t eat fruit - even though every time she eats it she orgasmically moans and professes it tastes like candy, then fucks off and ignores said candy-fruit for her processed shit within minutes)
Banana bread (with walnuts)
((now she takes a minute and blames everything on Necky because ‘Becky’s sweet tooth was on a poppin’ tonight’, whatever the fuck that means.))
Well rested herbal tea (which I’m sure no one will drink)
Crystalized candy ginger (which AL is excited about)
Chocolate Coated Chocolate Chip cookie dunkers
‘Way some more’ chocolate chip cookies
Crunch dried honey crisp apples
Broccoli slaw kale salad with white chicken meat
Vegetable Pad Thai
Fresh squeezed lemonade
Organic strawberry banana juice
Ricotta and spinach tortelloni (yes, that’s how it’s spelled on the package - she pronounces it tortellini, which is what it is) with red pesto
Rice(d) cauliflower bowl
Potatoes with wild mushrooms (holy shit, does everything have to be packaged for you? You could’ve bought potatoes and mushrooms for less and made that shit yourself)
Organic açaí bowl
Mashed potatoes (in a fucking bag)
Carrots (and of course they’re baby-cut carrots that are devoid of their skins)
Organic brown rice
Chicken and Cheese Tamales
Reduced fat milk (you should’ve gone with skim)
Grilled chicken strips
Macarons (which she says ‘I hope they didn’t get broken’ as she shakes them around like a fucking toddler with a Christmas present)
Organic rice cakes
Creamy peanut butter
2 Chocolate dipped coconut Luna bars
Chocolate coconut almonds
Brown rice pasta (fusilli)
Chicken recipe jerky sticks (supposedly for Twinkie)
Italian Tortellini (that’s filled with pesto)
Everything But the Bagel seasoning (guess this has replaced Mrs. Dash forever and ever amen)
Sparkling pink lemonade
Mac and Cheese (TV dinner type)
Green Goddess salad dressing (it looks like baby poop after you feed said baby strained peas)
Dark chocolate mint creams (she stares at these and says ‘I didn’t even know Necky got these, that sounds bomb’ - which lets me know that Necky will get one and AL will inhale the rest)
English toffee with milk chocolate
Lettuce (shredded, in a bag - romaine, at least)
Mint watermelon flavored black tea
Pasta with vegetables and basil pesto
Dark chocolate covered bananas (she doesn’t look disgusted despite her ‘aversion to bananas’)
2 flats of chicken
GAH. What have I done to myself, summarizing this shit…
3:58 - She’s going to try the broccoli slaw and kale salad. Now that we’re zoomed in on it, it has not only white chicken meat, but sunflower seeds, cranberries and sweet and spicy dressing. Aka: It’s a fucking calorie bomb disguised as a salad. AL complains that that the white chicken meat sounds a little bit off-putting. She gets a giant bowl to pour it in to, so that her decently sized salad will look dainty and cyyooot.
4:26 - She scans it into WW and is shocked to find out that it’s 19 points. She truly has no idea how calories and macros work. LOL
4:31 - As she whines that it’s ‘crazy’ (THESAURUS, DAMN YOU) that the salad flooded with high calorie sweet nuggets and shit is 19 points, she just goes on her merry way to dumping it in her bowl. No hesitation at all. That’s the AL we’re used to. She says that it’s ‘because of the dressing, obviously’ so she’s not going to use it all. She’s so delusional.
5:01 - So she uses only half of the sunflower seeds, and says she’s not going to use all the dressing - but dumps 2/3s in. And says that she only used 1/2. And professes that now it’s only 14 points. But she didn’t pull any of the berries and added a shit-ton of the dressing and seeds. AL, if you were serious about this, you’d just claim full points and not have it all.
6:16 - She FINALLY got shit for the cats - scratching areas. RARITY SITING!!! But AL goes on to wax about how they put them together like a jungle gym. She says Wasabi’s obsessed, but he’s nowhere to be seen.
6:58 - Time to show off Necky’s newest ugly shirt! And of course ObnoxiousLynn has to mimic the Steve Urkel ‘Did I do that?’ phrase which is printed on the heinous shirt.
7:04 - AL shows her delightful ignorance by just professing that she loves Necky’s shirt because it’s ‘very ‘90s’ while Necky goes on about how she loves Family Matters. Point to Neckster - she knows the reference. I’m sure AL never watched an episode and only knows of Urkel through memes. Necky takes a while to blather about Family Matters.
7:27 - Necky goes on to talk about a band named ‘Iwrestledabearonce’ that had a shirt that featured Robot Steve. And then looks completely disgusted when AL doesn’t know what Robot Steve is. AL asks if it’s a show, and Necky then has to explain that it’s from Family Matters. AL confirmed poseur, but we already knew that.
8:00 - AL says ‘The only thing I remember from that is him’ as she focuses the camera on Steve Urkel, then says ‘He’s my bae.’ DUDE. You can’t call him your bae if you don’t remember ANYTHING about the show. Aka: You never watched the show. Aka: You only know him through memes. FFS.
8:05 - This is fairly entertaining, watching Necky rip into AL about ‘What do you mean, the only thing you remember is him? What about Laura, what about Carl, what about Waldo, what about-‘ and so on and so forth. AL begs her to stop and continue the story about the band she was telling earlier, then whines that ‘it’s too many people!’ to which Necky correctly professes ‘No it’s not.’ Necky, one must remember that we’re dealing with AL, whose cottage cheese brain is about as smooth as a baby’s butt.
8:32 - AL then says ‘Go on again. You wrestled a bear.’ THAT’S NOT WHAT SHE SAID. She was talking about Iwrestledabearonce, which is a fucking metal band! YEESH. She didn’t listen to Necky at ALL. But what else is new?
8:55 - And now Necky’s going on about a Naruto hoodie she wants.
9:20 - AL singsongs about how the Naruto hoodie is popular because it sells out every time it comes up, and then Necky goes on with the greatest slip-up of all time - she says it’s like when Shane Dawson and Jeffery…. Star, then admits she almost said Jeffery Epstien.
9:28 - AL laughs and says Necky’s been watching too much TicTok - and that documentary on Netflix. I’d almost throw shade at her about how intelligent people can get names and news from other sources, but this is Neckster and AL we’re talking about, so… she’s likely right in this.
9:41 - I’m kind of tuning out. Necky is talking about shit they need to finish watching.
9:48 - Necky told Pedofucker about Hanger 1 and she’s all about it. AL? ‘Really? I’m shooketh.’
Pardon me. I need a drink.
Back to this shit again.
10:04 - Necky apparently gets compliments on her shirts. Uh huh. Sure. She says that the pharmacy girls knew her because of her ‘cool shirts’ and shit.
10:58 - AL’s going on about ‘wear what you love, who cares what anyone else things. That’s a point blank period.’ It’s almost as bad as situation. More vodka needed in the glass. I’m going to run out today. Fortunately I’m hitting the package store after shift tonight.
11:04 - Necky talks about having to wear uniforms at Christian school. Says she likes wearing her colors and there ain’t no room for plain in her life. AL makes gross noises of affirmation to that.
11:35 - Twinkie is in a retarded tutu dress. AL calls her ‘my child’ and then goes into the high-pitched ‘lookit you!!’ Which of course gets Twinkie wagging her tail and immediately going to sniff her hand for treats. AL says that Twinkie was excited for the dumb dress and knew exactly what to do. Which is why the dog almost fell over from stepping on the frills.
11:57 - If you want to hear the absolute worst British accent ever, it’s just a few seconds before this timestamp. Start watching at 11:50.
12:10 - Says that Twinkie’s looking at ‘Momma’, who apparently is Necky who’s busy taking out the trash.
12:16 - Confirmation of her wearing pants. She has to lean back so we can see them past her gunt. Trotter-spotters, here be toes.
12:19 - Swears it isn’t a food vlog, but she’s stuffing shit in her face again. Eating that buffalo chickpea humus and carrots. Here’s your orgasmic moans and shit. And speaking with her mouth full.
13:00 - We’re in their filthy as fuck bedroom that’s covered with all sorts of trash. Necky’s putting together ‘this drawer thing’ that AL wants to go by ‘my vanity.’ Necky grumbles that she may have stripped a screw. AL has no idea what that means. Then asks if there’s people they can hire to put together Target furniture, because she can’t do it.
13:51 - She’s whining about how it’s hard to build because there’s no words in the instructions. IT’S NOT FUCKING HARD. That’s basic IKEA directions, you dumb fuckfaced moron. Oh, then she gets distracted and happily chirps ‘Oh, do you think that’s where the wills go on?’ And I’m like ‘Wills? Like last will and testament wills? OH. WHEELS. I forgot she can’t articulate to save her fucking life.’
14:11 - I’m dying of laughter now because Necky tells her, ‘No, that’s the top.’ And AL whimpers ‘How is that the top?’ Wow, to be so stupid you can’t figure out build-at-home furniture that takes only a screwdriver and maybe a hammer.
14:28 - GAH AL’s pronouncing of wheels as wills is driving me nuts.
14:53 - ‘Hello. Hi. Welcome.’ She’s in her bathroom about to apply a straightening iron to her already flat as fuck and greasy looking hair. Ugh, I can smell her through the screen. Says she and Necky are going to visit Necky’s family.
15:18 - Says she’s worried about long car rides, but she should be okay. She goes on and on about how bumps and stops makes her jerk. Meaning that Necky can’t smoothly drive to save her life.
16:05 - Prattles on that her incision looks nice. Show it or we don’t believe it, AL.
16:21 - Shows that she had her camera on a ‘marble’ trash can (plastic) and two board games. Then says ‘I do want to notice or make this known! I am straightening my hair, standing up.’ Professes this is a non-scale victory.
16:41 - Says that she used to sit even back in high school. That’s because you’re a heffalump. Says that her arms don’t hurt, but her back does.
17:11 - Professes she loses a lot of hair when she brushes it. And she’s doing the combover to hide her high temples.
17:26 - Talks about her coconut oil she puts on her skin (and she got facewash too), then says when she puts the coconut oil on her face her skin burns. And says that’s because her body’s not used to it, following up with ‘That’s because for the longest time I didn’t put anything on my face.’
YOU WERE PUTTING HAIR CONDITIONER ON YOUR FACE REGULARLY YOU FUCKWAFFLE!!! OMFG!!!!
Pardon me. Finishing off my bottle. Package store after shift is now required.
17:55 - Now we’re waddling outside. Says it’s Necky’s nephew’s birthday. It’s his 20th birthday (which isn’t until the 5th, but they’re giving him his present early.)
18:32 - She whines about walking downhill, because she feels she’s going to roll her ankle. Twinkie in her stupid dress has no problems as she walks like any undisciplined dog on a leash, not heeling at all as Becky tries to keep going down the street.
18:33 - Now after that enormous grocery haul of sweets and high calorie treats, they’re at a fucking drive through. They’re ordering 2 of the ‘kiwi starfruit refreshers’ in the largest size and two chocolate cake pops. So they’re at Starbucks. So those drinks are 180 calories each, and the cake pops are 390 calories each. DAINTY SNACK.
19:00 - Necky talks about how she likes when people are ridiculously polite and overly friendly when serving them. If only she could be polite back.
19:52 - AL laughs at Necky because Necky can’t remember Starbucks’ size order, but then looks confused as fuck and can’t remember herself. Looking really cunty there, dummy.
20:04 - Necky is trying to tell us about her ex-girlfriend’s mother who tried to teach her the Starbucks Lingo, and AL sardonically inputs ‘The Starbucks Lingo, ehhhhh?’ like a fucking obnoxious re.tard. Then says she didn’t know there’s a Starbucks Lingo. How empty-headed is she? Then she goes on about how she doesn’t even like tea (pardon me while I flail at her grocery haul) and then talks about how something about Starbucks Refreshers are refreshing.
20:49 - Ah, apparently Necky likes tea. And has a whole tea collection.
21:09 - ‘It’s not cyuuuooot.’ Shaddup, AL.
21:38 - Back in the bathroom. She’s changed yet again. Says she had an amazing day with Necky’s family. Then goes on to say the Oral B pulsating toothbrush is the best thing ever. And then says she’s going to edit the vlog before doing her retarded kiss outro.
GREAT EDITING, YOU SHITBURGER. She ends on this freeze-frame.
TL;DW - Rebranding means shopping at Trader Joe's rather than Walmart or Kroger, apparently. AL has also never watched Family Matters, even though Steve Urkel is her 'bae.'
She expects viewers to believe all that sweet stuff is Becky's, like okay, gorl's been putting on the pounds but Hamberlynn is always fucking lying. Amber's 'healthy veggies and fruits' in her cart while all the junk food in Becky's cart, and let's not forget when the boys were blamed for those pizza boxes.
How is this different from literally all the other vlogs she's ever done?? Just because it doesn't also have a million Bath and Body Works candles?
"Rebranding" my ass.
Wait no, her ass.
Wait no, this cow has the same brand mark it's had since the beginning. Only it's getting stretched out now; time to fire up that iron!