What dead celebrity would have a thread here if they were still around today? -

[Koby_Fish]

Sam Kinison, probably.

 

[Feline Supremacist]

Kurt Cobain, he'd likely constantly be virtue signalling on Twitter if he were still alive.

I came to post Kurt, he and his batshit crazy wife would have had a huge thread. I heard their daughter barely talks to Courtney, her mother (and I'm sure her petition to transfer custody to her paternal aunts when she was still a minor must have a lot to do with it).

 

[Barry Scott]

Joe McCarthy.

KiwiFarms would then be promptly shut down for being communist.

 

[JYBlowsIt]

I'd say Lady Caroline Lamb might qualify, given her inability to leave Lord Byron alone after he broke off the relationship.

 

[UnsufficentBoobage]

Ovid. I mean, fucker wrote religion-based fanfics with his transformation kink "headcanons" shoved in, what else you need.

 

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

I have a feeling that Andy Kaufman would've loved the internet because he'd get to troll people from all over the world in seconds. He might even be one of KF's posters or invented 4Chan.

 

[Shittus Maximus]

Rock Hudson. The dude was openly gay out of the camera and the media covered it up hardcore. He may have also intentionally gave multiple men HIV. J Edgar Hoover for obvious reasons like his probable "life partner," his crossdressing and general threats to the world. Carey Grant would be one as well because he liked to smack around the women he was with and humiliate them by catching him having sex with men, and most obvious, Bob Crane. Dude got killed while setting up a sex film.

Pretty sure Alister would've done fine on the internet. Think of a degenerate version of Alex Jones who worked for the government.

Napoleon
Ed Wood
Nero
Aliester Crowley and the guy he used to write screeds against he wrote Dracula.

Liberace. Guy was gayer than Richard Simmons and he'd fly into an autistic rage and go sue happy over anyone who slightly voiced skepticism about his "heterosexuality" kinda reminds me of Classic Chris

Betty White of all people was the one who confirmed his gayness

You forgot the part where he was pressuring his gay partner to have cosmetic surgery to look like him. There was a whole lawsuit about it.

Liberace. Guy was gayer than Richard Simmons and he'd fly into an autistic rage and go sue happy over anyone who slightly voiced skepticism about his "heterosexuality" kinda reminds me of Classic Chris

Betty White of all people was the one who confirmed his gayness

You forgot the part where he was pressuring his gay partner to have cosmetic surgery to look like him. There was a whole lawsuit about it.

It's a little known fact that John F. Kennedy would receive daily crystal meth injections from a German "Dr. Feelgood." He also had a propensity for dressing up in animal costumes - JFK airport even opened a special terminal for animals in honor of our meth-injecting head-exploding ex-furry in chief.

You're wrong sir. He got the pure anphetamine. That's the bonus of 60's medicine. One witness reported that after one injection he ran around naked and secret service had to catch him.

 

[Pissmaster]

I watched this:

and I can imagine a thread on Stede Bonnet as it all happened live would have been a great time. The thread would just have a 500 page explosion of everyone going "HOLY SHIT THE MADMAN DID IT" throughout December 1717 and it would be nonstop from there until the end

 

[Pizdec]

Not all of them are dead, but damn, the more I look into the Club Kids group, the more lolcow they sound. It was a bunch of "Artists" turn troons (A lot of members were "genderfluid") who basically went around NYC crashing clubs and partying with homeless people, or just making a commotion in fast food joints. The gang consisted of about 750 members up until Rudy Guliani became mayor of NYC and said "Fuck this shit, we're cleaning up the streets". This, on top of one of the members (Michael Alig) killing and dismembering Angel Fernandez, pretty much killed the group, but damn, that group would've definitely gotten a thread at the least, and I bet a quite few would join to argue.

 

[Shovel Mick]

Diogenes without a doubt.

 

[SavorySheikah]

I have a hunch that had the Columbine High School shooters not offed themselves we would've gotten an entire thread about their edgy neoliberal twitter antics and potential mass murder plannings and what not.
Jeffery Epstein would most certainly have a horrorcow thread.
Margaret Thatcher. It's a shame the bitch didn't die 87 years ago.
Mark Twain would definitely be some kind of shitposter, ngl.
Also, that one Japanese cult whose leader tried to run for prime minister would probably get its own Community Watch thread.

 

[Pointless Pedant]

I think a lot of people here are massively exaggerating the extent to which a lot of historical figures would have made online content if they were alive today. Remember that a lolcow needs to actually have funny online presence to have a thread, not just be crazy in his private life. Joyce was a pervert, sure, but he wouldn't have been talking about his fetishes to the world on Twitter since he wrote about them in private love letters. Similarly "he had gay sex so he's a lolcow" is not a great recipe for online entertainment. I wouldn't say the average Hollywood actor making the odd orange man bad tweet is very lolcowish either, which would rule out most historical actors too.

As for people who would absolutely have threads if they were alive now, I nominate this interesting character.

Valery Nikolayevich Yemelyanov was a Soviet professor and Middle East advisor who took a very active and fervent part in the anti-Zionist campaign. His most famous book is Dezionization which postulates the basics of his neo-Pagan and extremely anti-Semitic views on the world history and international politics. Once considered a valuable asset to the state propaganda, he fell from grace of the Communist Party when he tried to publish Dezionization abroad without state's permission (some sources point another reason, that he alledgelly called Leonid Brezhnev a Zionist). After a domestic scandal with his wife over losing his job on the university, Yemelyanov killed and dismembered her with an axe, for which he was trialed and put in a psychiatric ward. Despite doing what would constitute a death warrant, Yemelyanov was intentionally deemed insane because Soviets believed that he could be still useful to them in the future.

After he was released, he became a co-leader of the leading far-right organization in Perestroika-era Soviet Union, Pamyat, but soon split with its other leader, Dmitry Vasilyev, on the issue whether if Christianity was a Jewish ploy to undermine the Slavic Aryans or not. After that, he became a founder and leading participator in various Russian neo-pagan organizations. Still managing to find some niche in 90s, by lecturing in several Russian military academies, Yemelyanov died in 1999, with his followers believing that he was killed during a ritual murder by Zionists.

He believed that the world history was a secret war between the Jews and the pagans, that there was a world-spanning advanced Slavic civilizations coming from Palestine, that the Hindu culture was a survivng holdout of the ancient Slavo-Aryan culture, that Slavs were driven from Palestine by the Jews and from Europe by Asiatic Germans. In later period of dissent, he called for extermination of every single Jew in the Soviet territory. Besides the regular esoteric ultranationalist views, he held some other weird positions, like where he argued for the restoration of pagan monarchy under Stalin's grandson and his own claim that he was the Chairman of the International Russian Community.

If you are interested in English-language sources about him, here is an article from the LA Times about him in 1980, describing his infamous murder, as well as exempts from several books describing his views and the trial about his murder which I translated for TNO. It is hell of a reading trip.

John Kellogg might qualify for his absolute blazing hatred of masturbation, which he certainly would be putting all over Twitter/Parler today.

 

[40 Year Old Boomer]

Jack Parsons. Rocket scientist that degenerated so hard with a mixture of communism, satanism, witchcraft, orgies, and proto-scientology that he lost his job and his security clearances. Also got cucked and defrauded by L Ron Hubbard and then blew himself up in his garage lab.

 

[Captain Hank Murph]

I have a feeling that Andy Kaufman would've loved the internet because he'd get to troll people from all over the world in seconds. He might even be one of KF's posters or invented 4Chan.

Andy Kaufman vs Christine Weston Chandler. Totally works for me since Kaufman did fight women. Wonder how he would've done against troons?

 

[Seventh Star]

If KF existed in the 70s, rockstars would have their own subforum. But Robert Fripp would probably take the cake for being a lolcow, especially with his antics with New Standard Tuning, the dead-eyed guitarists in League of Crafty Guitarists, him fucking over his bandmates in KC, and Greg Lake booting him off his limo.

Ritchie Blackmore wouldn't be too far behind. I remember reading somewhere that he saw Ian Gillan suck off Roger Glover behind a truck or something, and there would be a lot involved with him being an insufferable cunt. Not exactly lolcow behavior I guess, but there'd at least be a thread.

 

[Cardenio]

A Gen Xer/Millenial Steve Jobs would have definitely been on Kiwifarms. Because Steve was a boomer he didn't do social media faggotry. But if he were young and alive today we would have had discussions over how this crazy SoyBoy was mentally abusing his employees, denying the paternity test of his daughter Lisa, and bathing his feet in the toilet.

 

[Gravityqueen4life]

not a celebrity but long ago, there used to exist an autist by the name of Anthony Powell (aka the tony48219 who used to make typical autistic youtube movie reviews while also, making videos about hating atheists, black people (women specifically. he was black himself), was an incel before the term existed and most likely suffering from schizophrenia since he used to make videos of himself saying he was chosen by god too make his movie and stuff.

he could have been as big as chris-chan or moviebob but since Anthony was a true nigga, he killed the black girl he had an incel crush on and killed himself. truly, taken before his time.

edit: well i be, it seems to have found a few videos of the guy after all

our boy Powell himself

the girl he killed

the news about it

​

 

[Pepper Jack]

Napoleon
Ed Wood
Nero
Aliester Crowley and the guy he used to write screeds against he wrote Dracula.

Napoleon is who I thought of first.

I can picture him sperging on Twitter at someone calling him short, which he would escalate with threats and he would get banned.

Follow Napoleon on Parler!

 

[naught]

Jack Parsons. Rocket scientist that degenerated so hard with a mixture of communism, satanism, witchcraft, orgies, and proto-scientology that he lost his job and his security clearances. Also got cucked and defrauded by L Ron Hubbard and then blew himself up in his garage lab.

Parsons was a student of Aliester Crowley, he performed a ritual where they tried to summon a moon child.

 

[TowinKarz]

Napoleon is who I thought of first.

I can picture him sperging on Twitter at someone calling him short, which he would escalate with threats and he would get banned.

Follow Napoleon on Parler!

I don't think he would've responded to being taunted as short, he wasn't THAT short a man and most of his supposed hatred of it being brought up was British propaganda.

But, if you said to him "The Royal Navy's Better than Yours" or "If you're the Supreme Ruler of the continent, why don't Muscovites obey you?" you'd probably get him wound up for days as he DID have a towering ego. It's just that someone making fun of his height wouldn't likely' set it off.