What is the worst mess you've ever had to clean? - Cleaning tips are a bonus

[Chan Fan]

I went to the house of one of my close high school friends a long time ago, not knowing his family were hoarders. There was a futon in his room and he literally cleaned off a me-sized space so I had a place to sit. Aside from just a bunch of junk everywhere (a lot of which he claimed his mom just put in there for no reason instead of putting it in their garage or storage room) there was the following - a bunch of open Papa John's garlic butter containers he hadn't bothered to throw away (none of which were empty,) a broken florescent light bulb (shattered pieces were all over the floor,) a literal mountain of Pepsi Blue cans next to his desktop computer.

I told him it was hard to see him living like this and called a few friends to come over and help me clean his room. A few friends showed up and we worked on the room for hours. He didn't have a vacuum so I got one of our friends to cover my hands in tape and I picked up a bunch of the tiny glass shards that way. We put a bunch of stuff that wasn't his in the garage.

Weird stuff we found as we cleaned - a kid-size pair of pink panties (no kids lived there and he said he had no idea where they came from,) a printed fanfiction of Tuxedo Mask having sex with Chibi Usa that we absolutely confronted him about, the drivers licenses of two girls he said he'd never met before, and anytime we got near the tiny maintenance door in the corner he started yelling at us. Still never figured out what that last one was about.

There was still a lot to do but he seemed glad with what we had been able to do in a single day. A few weeks later I asked him if he was still working on his room and he said not only had he not cleaned it anymore, it was much worse than it had been. Still upsets me when I think about it. The lesson I learned - you have to let people clean stuff on their own or they won't appreciate it.

 

[Eryngium]

Your Mother’s vagina.

 

[Marissa Moira]

I put a blender full of Syntha 6 beyond it's maximum setting and it exploded.

 

[Pissmaster]

Moldy wet bags of old clothes from a flooded basement, only thing I've ever had to clean while wearing a respirator, goggles, and rubber gloves.

Some of the clothes just fell apart, like you could just grab chunks of what used to be shirts and blouses. The ones that didn't fall apart that easily could be easily torn like wet cardboard.

 

[Papa Adolfo's Take'n'Bake]

A spill consisting of a THF/pyridine 60/40 composite phase that some freshman spilled in Chemistty Lab II.

Be careful with your glassware, kiddies

 

[CivilianOfTheFandomWars]

I don’t know if you would call it a ‘mess’ exactly, but one time my dad accidentally put some plastic cutting boards in the oven and we (read: I) had to chisel and scrape off all the plastic fused to the racks and bottom of the oven.
It was a massive pain.

 

[Dutch Courage]

I will share an old story from an old job I had many years ago. This was the biggest mess I ever had to clean:

I once received a body bag containing the remains of a Russian gangster and his wife. The couple had been dismembered and sunk to the bottom of a lake, but were discovered within weeks. Cold weather had slowed down decomposition enough for them to be identified, but it had still done much of its job.

I had been expecting the Coroner's office to be sending them from upstate, a good seven-hour trip in the back of an unrefrigerated van.

What I had not been expecting was that the coroner's office had unceremoniously dumped the remains of both victims into the same body bag (once their investigation had been completed, they didn't give a shit what happened).

My task was to open the body bag and separate the husband's parts from the wife's parts. This involved reaching into what I can only describe as a black, fermented, human soup, feeling around, and pulling out a body part. A foot here, a head there, most of a torso, some gizzards that had fallen out... This was a process that took an hour, during which I spilled much of the black liquid onto my clothing, Some parts I had to examine closely, to determine if they looked masculine or feminine, since everything was very bloated and half-rotted.

I got the job done, but got no thanks from the boss or anyone else, and the putrid dampness of my clothes made me persona non grata around the office until quitting time.

I have since changed my line of work completely; just wasn't for me.

 

[Grotesque Bushes]

I have since changed my line of work completely; just wasn't for me.

I sincerely doubt it is for anyone.

 

[ThinkThankThunk]

Whenever I felt lazy I would leave class and hide in the bathrooms for the last ten or twenty minutes of each period back in high school. One day I went in and found my usual stall completely fucking caked in shit and piss. I was so dedicated to that specific stall that with only toilet paper and handsoap I cleaned the entire thing from top to bottom.

One kid walked in on me while I was scrubbing the floor and the unholy mix of bewilderment and disgust that painted his face will never leave me. Neither will I forget the smug sense of satisfaction I felt from being able to plant my ass on the toilet seat and finish waiting out the period just as I had originally intended, completely unhindered by whatever jackass tried to redecorate the walls with shit.

 

[Non-Expert!]

When I was 16, I worked at a supermarket in St. Louis. I went to use the toilet and there was this Hershey-chocolate colored liquid shit sprayed all over the toilet and the back wall. And the floor.

It was like that chocolate fondue consistency.

It wasn't addressed as a biohazard either. I may well have been cleaning up a broken jar of Ragu.

This was decades ago. Although at the time I didn't know any better, in retrospect, - Fuck these people-

 

[Constellationzero]

A few trash bags in the garage that were somehow stuffed behind some shelving and a bunch of old lumber. It was the middle of summer and one of the bags came apart when I went to grab it. The thing "exploded" and a mess of maggots sprayed out like Eldritch party favors. The smell was indescribably bad.

After puking a couple times in the back yard, I managed to (carefully) drag the other two bags to the alley. Thank Christ they stayed intact.

 

[RussianParasite]

I'll just leave it as "at work many years ago" in order to hide power level.

Women's bathroom at a store after poo was smeared all over the stall along with period nastiness clogging the toilet. It looked like an abortion in the toilet.

To the one or two women who have a KF account: your restrooms are a million times more gross than men's rooms.

 

[Overcast]

At an old job, someone took a fat shit in front of one of the toilets.

Had to get a shovel.

 

[Non-Expert!]

I repeat:

FUCK THESE PEOPLE.

I will share an old story from an old job I had many years ago. This was the biggest mess I ever had to clean:

I once received a body bag containing the remains of a Russian gangster and his wife. The couple had been dismembered and sunk to the bottom of a lake, but were discovered within weeks. Cold weather had slowed down decomposition enough for them to be identified, but it had still done much of its job.

I had been expecting the Coroner's office to be sending them from upstate, a good seven-hour trip in the back of an unrefrigerated van.

What I had not been expecting was that the coroner's office had unceremoniously dumped the remains of both victims into the same body bag (once their investigation had been completed, they didn't give a shit what happened).

My task was to open the body bag and separate the husband's parts from the wife's parts. This involved reaching into what I can only describe as a black, fermented, human soup, feeling around, and pulling out a body part. A foot here, a head there, most of a torso, some gizzards that had fallen out... This was a process that took an hour, during which I spilled much of the black liquid onto my clothing, Some parts I had to examine closely, to determine if they looked masculine or feminine, since everything was very bloated and half-rotted.

I got the job done, but got no thanks from the boss or anyone else, and the putrid dampness of my clothes made me persona non grata around the office until quitting time.

I have since changed my line of work completely; just wasn't for me.

Ok, cleaning tips for these dirty jobs ... clay cat litter and commercial degreaser. Contain fluids in the litter, double bag, biohazard waste.

The remaining, run water and soap to uncover anything that is still solid. Cover with pebble lime to desecate.

Tyvex? Gloves, respirator that protects from particles and vapor, eye mask. Biohazard suit. Make them team you up.

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

My parents tenants had to be evicted because they stopped paying.
They of course stayed as long as they were legally allowed to for free because Massachusetts is bullshit, and then they just up and left.

They left so much shit we had to rent a dumpster just to get rid of it all.
Fucking scumbags.

 

[ThinkThankThunk]

I'll just leave it as "at work many years ago" in order to hide power level.

Women's bathroom at a store after poo was smeared all over the stall along with period nastiness clogging the toilet. It looked like an abortion in the toilet.

To the one or two women who have a KF account: your restrooms are a million times more gross than men's rooms.

God this post reminded me of the time many years ago when I had to clean up my sister's rooms while she was out because everyone could smell rot through the rest of the house. She would absolutely refuse to clean anything herself, but wouldn't let anyone else do it without throwing a violent tantrum so we waited for her to be completely gone to start.

Here's a disgusting list of the cursed shit I remember having to clean: a dry blood clot that had seeped between floorboards and begun to rot, a bundle of decaying hair that had been annexed by a spider, countless bloody clothes, tampons, an unspeakably saturated mattress, piss stains from practically everything within a 5 foot radius of the toilet, vomit she left stewing at the bottom of a garbage bin, and more more fucking tampons among others.

She was furious when she got back and within a few weeks the stench returned. It took me a very long time to begin talking to her again afterwards, and after experiencing exactly how fucking gross women can be I'm surprised I didn't go gay. Fuck you for digging this memory from the deepest reaches of my brain, now you can share in the pain with me.

 

[oldTireWater]

I once had a mostly watertight vehicle fill with about 18" of water, and another 1/4" of oil, hydraulic fluid, and ass on top of that (I bear partial responsibility). The vehicle was loaded with all of our equipment; tools, canvas bags, radios, etc.

EVERYTHING was covered with oil. Simple-Green was the only cleaner we were allowed to use. It works ok at best. Nothing was ever right again after that. Our shit was forever greasy.

Decades later I still hate the smell of Simple-Green.

 

[Xolanite]

Poo on the bathroom floor.

 

[RussianParasite]

God this post reminded me of the time many years ago when I had to clean up my sister's rooms while she was out because everyone could smell rot through the rest of the house. She would absolutely refuse to clean anything herself, but wouldn't let anyone else do it without throwing a violent tantrum so we waited for her to be completely gone to start.

Here's a disgusting list of the cursed shit I remember having to clean: a dry blood clot that had seeped between floorboards and begun to rot, a bundle of decaying hair that had been annexed by a spider, countless bloody clothes, tampons, an unspeakably saturated mattress, piss stains from practically everything within a 5 foot radius of the toilet, vomit she left stewing at the bottom of a garbage bin, and more more fucking tampons among others.

She was furious when she got back and within a few weeks the stench returned. It took me a very long time to begin talking to her again afterwards, and after experiencing exactly how fucking gross women can be I'm surprised I didn't go gay. Fuck you for digging this memory from the deepest reaches of my brain, now you can share in the pain with me.

Sorry for triggering your (rightful) PTSD from that. God that was awful to read, especially the spider part for some reason.

I'm surprised that you didn't turn gay after that as well, but here you are on KF which makes you a fag like the rest of us.

How did you all not just straight kick her out of your house/apartment?

 

[Pissmaster]

Whenever I felt lazy I would leave class and hide in the bathrooms for the last ten or twenty minutes of each period back in high school. One day I went in and found my usual stall completely fucking caked in shit and piss. I was so dedicated to that specific stall that with only toilet paper and handsoap I cleaned the entire thing from top to bottom.

One kid walked in on me while I was scrubbing the floor and the unholy mix of bewilderment and disgust that painted his face will never leave me. Neither will I forget the smug sense of satisfaction I felt from being able to plant my ass on the toilet seat and finish waiting out the period just as I had originally intended, completely unhindered by whatever jackass tried to redecorate the walls with shit.

You know, I've heard stories over the years about this kinda situation, where you open up a stall and the entire thing is caked with shit from top to bottom, and I even saw it myself once at a store when I was a kid.

What the fuck is the deal with the people who do that?