What makes a lolcow for you personally

Zim

Facebook District Manager
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May 27, 2013
To me the biggest defining feature of a lolcow is ego. They not only have to believe they're better then most people but have to be fully committed to it too. They have to think they're so special that they have no choice but to show it off to the world. They have to have no way to look at themselves from others perspectives and see they might be wrong. It takes a special kind of dumb to think like this and it's what makes the best cows to me.
 

AnOminous

when you find a stranger in the Alps
Retired Staff
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Dec 28, 2014
They should be completely oblivious to how funny they are.
 

Casual Garbage

The Original Character; Do not Steal.
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Feb 10, 2014
Someone who doesn't fully understand how the internet works. When ever they post something, they automatically think that it's amazing and think everyone will love it. Then as soon as someone disagrees with them or anything negative happens, they'll lose their mind.
 

CoFAGrigus

Pretzel seeker
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Jul 30, 2015
Generally for me it's people who are entertaining and also douchey/arrogant so I don't feel bad for making fun of them

Don't get me wrong, I love messing with people but I like to feel like the people I'm messing with deserve it
 

Flowers For Sonichu

2nd Team all-confefence in Kick the Autistic
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They ignore every single piece of advice thrown their way and never learn from mistakes. They also must have an overwhelming desire for attention that keeps them making content despite the constant trolling they face.
 

kingpin skinny pimp

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Mar 8, 2015
i doubt you can even call them lolcows at this point cuz they stop being funny and start being kinda cool but my top favs are always the ones who, despite being weird as balls, are generally very nice and hospitable people and overall just genuine pals that you'd have to be a huge fucking jerk to troll, like ulillillia or wesley willis[do they count if they died before the term lolcow came to fruition?]. runners up are conspiracy theorist francis e dec type dudes whose delusional belief systems are like their own universe in and of themselves and, if adapted into a movie, could quite possibly give they live and total recall a run for their money if done right
 

Zeorus

voilà la guimbarde
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Apr 11, 2014
The big thing that defines a cow for me is, as previously mentioned, a certain degree of obliviousness. More specifically, a very naive obliviousness. I like cows that are boundlessly optimistic (or better yet, wildly ambitious), who believe that things will get better for them and their ambitions will be fulfilled without any effort or change on their part. This sets them up to fail which is amusing to me in a schadenfreude sort of way, but also kind of makes me want to root for them. The best examples of this are probably classic Chris, ADF, Connor Bible (in a particular part of his cycle), Augustus Sol Invictus, or Derek Savage. Nothing like an underdog.
 

66andtwothirds

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combination of being highly documented/not hiding everything and having both grand, unrealistic goals and an inability to work hard enough to get them.
 

Juan But Not Forgotten

Friendly mexican ghost
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Aug 7, 2017
Lack of self-awareness to the point of delusions. When they are forced to face reality it's always funny to watch.
 

Cilleystring

"Taylor Swift will soon be my maid servant"
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Nov 17, 2017
It's all been said but I've always thought a lolcow requires the combination of these three things.

1. Some sort of abnormal behaviour. For many this is overeacting to minor slights, drawing bizarre fan art, being identity obsessed etc.
2. An ego driven need to post said abnormal behaviour online
3. Complete inability to self-reflect, learn from mistakes, and improve themselves. This could be from stubbornness, laziness, cockiness, or sheer lack of brainpower.

Once all three of these things are checked off you have a lolcow. And of course they have to manifest themselves in a humorous way.
 

Angry Canadian

Give me 30 minutes.
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Aug 5, 2021
I like schizos who don't know any better and don't learn from their mistakes. Terminal lack of self-awareness is another good quality to find in a lolcow.
I don't particularly find most people to be funny; but schizos with unfettered access to the internet are extremely funny and fun to me. I like the unpredictability factor which tends to extend the shelf life of a cow, most other cows have a pattern of behaviour that, once figured out, kind of makes them boring to me; but with schizos, this pattern is harder to figure out, and that makes them funnier to me.
Earl Hypernova is the only thread I have set to follow because he's IMO the peak of a lolcow, he's my golden goose of batshit insane on the internet.
Nick Bates was also fun to follow until he went to prison, oh and Ross the bath tub guy.
 

Ted_Breakfast

What'll it be, boys?
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Jun 29, 2016
As state before, it's the sense of self-importance. A good lolcow is afloat in a roiling ocean of shit, and no matter how many torpedoes you throw at them, they don't sink. Even now, Chris is communing with company mascots in the Frito Lay dimension, and no amount of humbling will stop him.
 

Tragi-Chan

A thousand years old
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Jan 15, 2014
I think a certain persistence is important. Most lolcows who are aware of it know exactly what they need to do to stop being a cow. Yet they won’t - no matter how miserable they are, they’ll either keep going or try to find a third way (e.g. take down the Farms). And they just keep at it.

Despite all that, variety is also key. Cows like CWC and ADF became notorious in part because you never knew what dumb shit they’d pull next. But both fell into a rut of just issuing samey proclamations over and over and all but the most die-hard followers got bored.

Admittedly Chris then fucked his mom, so be careful what you wish for I guess.