What tangible, basic life skills does Phil possess? -

Yesterday we learned that Phil can't swim, and instead of fessing up to it, he just bullshitted through and said he's tried it a few times, and could figure it out if he had to. We all laugh at how Phil is incompetent and undeveloped as a human being, but I now have a genuine curiosity as to...

What tangible, basic life skills does Phil possess?
  • Does Phil know how to change a tire?
  • Does Phil know how to parallel park?
  • Can Phil drive a Standard Transmission vehicle?
  • Does Phil speak a second language, and if so, how fluently?
    • Some level of Spanish, as demonstrated in Spanish cheer messages
  • Can Phil point out all 50 American States on an unmarked map?
  • How many countries can Phil point out on an unmarked map of the world?
    • Not many, as his playthrough of Bully's Geography Class missions demonstrated
  • Can Phil cook a steak to a desired level of done-ness?
  • Does Phil know how to mail a letter or ship a package in the mail?
  • Does Phil know how to tie his shoes?
  • Can Phil swim?
    • No, as confirmed on stream yesterday.
  • Can Phil ride a bike?
  • Does Phil know any magic tricks?
  • Does Phil know how to throw a punch?
  • Does Phil know how to unclog a toilet?
    • Yes, or at least he knows how to use an As Seen On TV-type plunger substitute
  • Can Phil play any musical instruments?
  • Does Phil know how to do his own laundry?
    • Yes, but it's a recent development
If anyone can list any skills they've confirmed that Phil possesses, please post them in this thread, with citations for evidence.

If anyone has a curiosity over whether or not Phil possesses a skill, please share it here.

Since we know Phil reads this forum, let's try to provide him with an accurate assessment of his abilities, and skip the obvious joke of listing obvious things, like how he lacks basic hygiene or financial sensibility. Let's assume Phil is a literal toddler, and this thread is meant to list all of his abilities that would be impressive for a toddler to perform.

EDIT: Let's try to remain PAHSITIVE here, and focus only on things Phil CAN do. He's a big boy and he deserves to be congratulated for his skills, just like a big boy does.
 
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Sonichump

Gin fueled nights
kiwifarms.net
Phil doesn't know that you have change the oil in your car.

I was going to say that he knows how to pay bills, but thinking about it, he really doesn't as 1) he only recently learned how to pay all his bills on the same day (sorta?) and 2) he doesn't even realize what bills he pays (pandalee's phone, the sewage bill, and I want to say PSVue?)
 

Equinox_

Binge Monster tbh
kiwifarms.net
How do you go through life and lack so many fundemental life skills? I understand he was spoiled rotten. But learning laundry until recently? Like did one parent not consider teaching their son how to do laundry before he went to the dorms? If he didn't even know how to do laundry until recently I doubt he can change a tire, or parallel park...or much else for that matter.
 

Wurstbrot

Basic Understanding Of Time
kiwifarms.net
Masturbation.
There is clear evidence he did that wrong. With a camera which was on. Therefore I have to disagree, good sir.

Everytime I want to list a positive ability I am instantly reminded how he failed at it, so he does not know how to do it.
Lifting weights / Training? He overdid it.
Cooking? Only his sugar meatball soup.
Finance genius? Constantly in debts.
Comedy? The clown is dead.

What about some kind of gourmet ability? A food critique who can distinguish between different flavors, rates consistencies, overall presentation and knows which ingredients fast food should have to contain to become a proper meal. I find this quite fascinating as I literally don't care for such details, I just want to fill my belly. Food is his strength. Not surprising.
 
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