What's the dumbest/most ridiculous thing your family has said at get-togethers? -

[Motherboard]

I believe this could end up being an interesting topic, considering it's the holiday season and all.

The idea came to me when I heard my very drunk granddad talking about there being no proof of Jesus' existence, and then under a minute switching to talking about ISIS.

Another ridiculous thing that was said about a year ago was my father mixing up saying "Pawn stars" with "porn stars". That led to quite a few conservative family members being horrified.

So, how about everyone else? What's the most ridiculous and/or dumb thing one of your relatives has said?

 

[cypocraphy]

My Moms side of the faimly just bitches about my hair like I can help it. Sorry, I am what I am./

Their genes are half ressponsible too.

 

[MerriedxReldnahc]

At our family's Christmas Eve party, my formerly morbidly obese web-footed step-grandpa with no social skills was laughing maniacally as he told us all about how his step father died in his arms last month.
I guess it beats last year when he tried to start a discussion about cannabalism.
He's not even the weirdest family member I have https://kiwifarms.net/threads/personal-lolcows.463/page-71#post-453779

 

[Wildchild]

I had a cat when I was a kid, and the cat would always say "meow", even on Christmas.

 

[meatslab]

This past Thanksgiving really took the cake. I spent it with my dad's side of the family. I have a little 2nd cousin who's about 4 now that my wine addicted, pill popping cousin and rich surgeon husband adopted from Ethiopia. They always parade her around as their "Ethiopion princess" without giving a fuck about the other 6 kids they have. If you hadn't realized it yet, we are all white as fuck.

Anyway there was this table that was a drum there, and all the kids kept fucking with it because they're kids. Sarai, the adopted one, starts playing with it and everyone, including her own parents, start commenting about how "rythm is in her blood", and how the drum is actually African so it's obvious why she likes it. Then her dad says she also loves going barefoot because obviously that's "the Ethipoan way". They all kept making more really racist comments about her as if they were fact. I wanted to hang myself in the bathroom. I really worry about that poor little girl.

 

[HG 400]

This past Thanksgiving really took the cake. I spent it with my dad's side of the family. I have a little 2nd cousin who's about 4 now that my wine addicted, pill popping cousin and rich surgeon husband adopted from Ethiopia. They always parade her around as their "Ethiopion princess" without giving a fuck about the other 6 kids they have. If you hadn't realized it yet, we are all white as fuck.

Anyway there was this table that was a drum there, and all the kids kept fucking with it because they're kids. Sarai, the adopted one, starts playing with it and everyone, including her own parents, start commenting about how "rythm is in her blood", and how the drum is actually African so it's obvious why she likes it. Then her dad says she also loves going barefoot because obviously that's "the Ethipoan way". They all kept making more really racist comments about her as if they were fact. I wanted to hang myself in the bathroom. I really worry about that poor little girl.

lol you are literally white and complaining about micro-aggressions on the behalf of a non-white who clearly isn't offended by them

 

[dunbrine47]

One of my relatives was promoting the NRA and getting guns over Thanksgiving. That's all I got, the more crazy side of the family is my dad's and I dare not go over there.

 

[Motherboard]

My dad got a gun knife for Christmas, as well as a teensy little switchblade shaped like a bullet.

In a moment of sheer brilliance, I said "THE GUN IS A KNIFE. THE BULLET IS ALSO A KNIFE."

Minutes later my sister and I were saying the most morbid shit in our Mickey Mouse impressions.

 

[Bugaboo]

My aunt came over and complained that my mother did not serve cranberry sauce from a can and instead had homemade cranberry sauce and she was angry because "it's a family tradition!"

She's dead now

 

[~*dank meme*~]

This past thanksgiving opened up a wonderful door for my step grandfather to mention he lit a cat on fire one fishing trip years ago for no fucking reason. And that he's eaten raccoon.

 

[Motherboard]

Update: Same drunken grandfather called my house after having dinner, leaving a message saying "I don't know you." then hanging up. Truly a magical time of year.

 

[TheMightyMonarch]

My family isn't as crazy as others, but I have some stories. My great aunt (My grandma's identical twin, nonetheless) is prides herself on being a staunch liberal but there's moments that reveal that she's still very much a product of her time. Last year for my birthday, we went to this Greek restaurant. Towards the end, I remember asking this girl who worked at the restaurant for something, in which she just sort of nodded. The girl was Asian. As soon as she left, my great aunt says "I bet you she doesn't speak English."

A couple of minutes later, I later learned through talking to her that while she did have a rather strong accent, she did in fact speak English and seemed pretty fluent at it.

Way to go. I have more stories about this particular relative. This is also the same woman who once rented out an apartment to a same sex couple because they were gay.

 

[Francis E. Dec Esc.]

My 92 year old grandmother is convinced Albertson's (a supermarket chain) is a front for ISIS.

 

[Flamesoul the Diabolical]

Neither of these people are related to me but my stepdad, little sis, and I visited them in PA this past August since they were relatives/old friends;

Spoiler: Kinda angsty/upsetting for me

We went to the house of my stepdad's old friend (who absolutely hates cats which is an automatic red flag for me) and he recounted a story of finding a neighbor's indoor-outdoor cat in his house, spraying the place with his scent. He said he chased the cat all over the house and finally managed to grab it by the tail and went to the front door of his house (making sure to bang the poor thing against the walls as he went) and fucking FLUNG HIM OUT THE DOOR. (Mind, his house was on top of a really tall hill and there's a busy street at the bottom.) Well, the cat landed in the middle of the street, right before a SEMI TRUCK DROVE BY, RUNNING HIM OVER. The guy said the neighbor found the cat a mile away, in the downtown area, dead with its body mangled... Needless to say, I went right upstairs to the room I was staying in and did not come back down for the rest of the night, distracting myself feverishly to keep myself from sobbing about it.

As for the other guy I mentioned, he wasn't as bad but I was pretty irritated with him. I'd drawn a realistic, detailed picture of a hummingbird for my grandma, and he asked if I could draw something for him. I didn't know him very well since he's more of a family friend of the relatives whose house I was staying at. I smiled, said sure, and asked what I should draw as well as mentioning I could do it for $5 (which honestly is extremely cheap for the quality of the art I was willing to draw.) He complained about the $5, asking why I drew for free for my grandma. I explained politely that I didn't know him that well and usually did charge for commissions unless it's family/friends for the most part, plus it was a gift. He got pretty butthurt about it. :/ I suggested I could draw a bear for him and lowered the price to $3 but he still didn't want to. Eventually he just gave me a quarter and I shat out a sloppy sketch of a retarded-looking bear eating a fat guy (the butthurt dude was kinda fat), with blood spurting out everywhere. I gave it to him with a stony face and walked back inside. Obviously he was indignant about it. Fuckin asshole....

 

[~*dank meme*~]

Neither of these people are related to me but my stepdad, little sis, and I visited them in PA this past August since they were relatives/old friends;

Spoiler: Kinda angsty/upsetting for me

We went to the house of my stepdad's old friend (who absolutely hates cats which is an automatic red flag for me) and he recounted a story of finding a neighbor's indoor-outdoor cat in his house, spraying the place with his scent. He said he chased the cat all over the house and finally managed to grab it by the tail and went to the front door of his house (making sure to bang the poor thing against the walls as he went) and fucking FLUNG HIM OUT THE DOOR. (Mind, his house was on top of a really tall hill and there's a busy street at the bottom.) Well, the cat landed in the middle of the street, right before a SEMI TRUCK DROVE BY, RUNNING HIM OVER. The guy said the neighbor found the cat a mile away, in the downtown area, dead with its body mangled... Needless to say, I went right upstairs to the room I was staying in and did not come back down for the rest of the night, distracting myself feverishly to keep myself from sobbing about it.

As for the other guy I mentioned, he wasn't as bad but I was pretty irritated with him. I'd drawn a realistic, detailed picture of a hummingbird for my grandma, and he asked if I could draw something for him. I didn't know him very well since he's more of a family friend of the relatives whose house I was staying at. I smiled, said sure, and asked what I should draw as well as mentioning I could do it for $5 (which honestly is extremely cheap for the quality of the art I was willing to draw.) He complained about the $5, asking why I drew for free for my grandma. I explained politely that I didn't know him that well and usually did charge for commissions unless it's family/friends for the most part, plus it was a gift. He got pretty butthurt about it. :/ I suggested I could draw a bear for him and lowered the price to $3 but he still didn't want to. Eventually he just gave me a quarter and I shat out a sloppy sketch of a retarded-looking bear eating a fat guy (the butthurt dude was kinda fat), with blood spurting out everywhere. I gave it to him with a stony face and walked back inside. Obviously he was indignant about it. Fuckin asshole....

Dude, if some asshat I barely knew complained that I drew things for free for my grandmother and not him, I wouldn't have even taken the quarter. Either that, or take the quarter, pocket it and use it to buy myself a snack.

 

[Doctor Professor Timon]

"You don't do anything."

-Person in question works a 60 hour a week job in hard labor.-

I couldn't believe it when I heard it. Someone shoulda slapped that hoe.

 

[Motherboard]

Neither of these people are related to me but my stepdad, little sis, and I visited them in PA this past August since they were relatives/old friends;

Spoiler: Kinda angsty/upsetting for me

We went to the house of my stepdad's old friend (who absolutely hates cats which is an automatic red flag for me) and he recounted a story of finding a neighbor's indoor-outdoor cat in his house, spraying the place with his scent. He said he chased the cat all over the house and finally managed to grab it by the tail and went to the front door of his house (making sure to bang the poor thing against the walls as he went) and fucking FLUNG HIM OUT THE DOOR. (Mind, his house was on top of a really tall hill and there's a busy street at the bottom.) Well, the cat landed in the middle of the street, right before a SEMI TRUCK DROVE BY, RUNNING HIM OVER. The guy said the neighbor found the cat a mile away, in the downtown area, dead with its body mangled... Needless to say, I went right upstairs to the room I was staying in and did not come back down for the rest of the night, distracting myself feverishly to keep myself from sobbing about it.

As for the other guy I mentioned, he wasn't as bad but I was pretty irritated with him. I'd drawn a realistic, detailed picture of a hummingbird for my grandma, and he asked if I could draw something for him. I didn't know him very well since he's more of a family friend of the relatives whose house I was staying at. I smiled, said sure, and asked what I should draw as well as mentioning I could do it for $5 (which honestly is extremely cheap for the quality of the art I was willing to draw.) He complained about the $5, asking why I drew for free for my grandma. I explained politely that I didn't know him that well and usually did charge for commissions unless it's family/friends for the most part, plus it was a gift. He got pretty butthurt about it. :/ I suggested I could draw a bear for him and lowered the price to $3 but he still didn't want to. Eventually he just gave me a quarter and I shat out a sloppy sketch of a retarded-looking bear eating a fat guy (the butthurt dude was kinda fat), with blood spurting out everywhere. I gave it to him with a stony face and walked back inside. Obviously he was indignant about it. Fuckin asshole....

What an asshole. I would've thrown the quarter back in his slimy face.

And though it's typically against my moral values, to spite him I would have drawn a large cat squishing him to death, or drawn him with a shirt that said "I murder kittens" on it.

 

[Spectator]

In 1989 when I was 5 my mom did the following:

Got shitfaced, but that was a daily thing. Opiates and alcohol.
Fought with my step father.
Threw the entire cooked turkey from the oven into the trash on top of a pile of dog hair and cracked nut shells.
Made up with said step father. Pulled turkey from trash.
When I refused to eat the turkey she jammed a handful of it in my mouth and held her hand over my face to keep my from spitting it out.

Wow, this is as good as therapy. Thanks @Dynastia

 

[NumberingYourState]

"I'm sick of buying my family gifts."

From a certain biological relative I haven't seen in years, and this is what he complains about during a reunion. What priorities.

 

[Mrs Paul]

My cousin's husband, when disciplining their son, told him, "don't be retarded." Ugh. (He's an emotionally and psychologically abusive asshole who restricts when she can come down to here to visit here. The rest of us hate the bastard and are praying she'll leave him soon.)