Which lolcow would make the best novel? - And what kind of novel would it be?

Diana Moon Glampers

Assistance for the Handicapped
True & Honest Fan
It's probably just the way I look at things, but I've thought for some time that several lolcows have literary fiction potential. Slightly dramatized versions of their lives and perspectives would be the kind of easy-to-sell "holy shit, you hate this character, but you're just fascinated by them!" characterization that makes agents and publishers pounce.

Some lolcows are just too bizarre to make a worthwhile book, or their entire lives are devoted to such "inside baseball" issues that they're not really broadly interesting (some of the trans comic creators like Matt Perez and Guillame Labelle are like this, as is Kyl(i)e Brooks). Some are just grating assholes with no real sense that their life is anything but one long, boring grift of one kind or another (Nora Reed, Becky Gerber, Cecily Kellogg). Some are just too gross to write about without changing too much of what makes the cow cow-like (Zachary Antolak). It takes the right combination of pathos and an almost Jungian or Campbellian archetypalness. The cow has to be the very most of whatever they are for it to seem like a worthwhile endeavor.

The cow I've been thinking about this most clearly with is Jake Alley, whose persona is like Ignatius Reilly with worse aesthetics and without any raw intellect. It's so delicious that he's pretending to be a shy young girl online while his beard grows grayer and longer. His utter unawareness of how he comes off to other people, or why they avoid him and loathe him, makes for a level of dramatic irony that is hard to write, but if done well, can come off as really clever.

Alison Rapp's life lends itself way more to romance fiction.

You start it off about now: our plucky heroine, once full of life and spirit, is coming back to her Midwestern home to live with her parents after a failed, short-lived young marriage to her college sweetheart and a quick rise-and-fall in the gaming industry. There were rumors spread - terrible ones, and she knows her name and face are all over the internet, if you look in the right places - and she doesn't even know if Minnesota's far enough to run away to escape them. She's gotten a job as a barista, just something simple to get her back in the habit of getting up for something every day, when she meets an extremely handsome man in a business suit who makes his order very gruffly.

He ends up being a billionaire (she doesn't find this out until the very end of Act I, when they've been talking to one another for a while and her friend realizes who the guy is), their courtship is back-and-forth and then her dark secret past is revealed. Long dark night of the soul leads to raw, bare-hearted confrontation leads to hot sex in a massive billionaire setpiece with the billionaire's massive setpiece, and then the billionaire gets the board taken down, which should make her happy but instead gives her second thoughts: this is a guy who can disappear stuff from online and is making vague insinuations that he's "disappeared" some of the people responsible for the website, is that what she wants in a relationship? She ends up giving back his expensive gifts and applying for a promotion to manager at the coffee shop, because she wants to do things right this time, no shortcuts (this is actually a setup for the sequel).

The Schofields are a particular horror show, with the narration made easier because Susan's actually tried her hand at creative writing about her "schizo" kids. Hers is more of a slow-burn horror piece.

The way to write this one is like that book by Emma Donoghue, "Room." "Room" is told from the point of view of a five-year-old boy who, we gradually realize through his simple, childlike descriptions, has never left a single small space, where he lives with his mother and the man who kidnapped her and fathered him. The real heart-grab of "Room" is that to a child exposed to nothing else, everything is ordinary, it's just what is.

That's got to be what life is like for the kids. They're drugged, but they don't know that they're being given massive Benadryl overdoses in the form of smoothies and milkshakes. They don't have any idea what's happening to them as they float into and out of consciousness, experience hallucinations, and lose control of their bodies in embarrassing and terrifying ways. We slowly start to realize that they are not crazy children, but rather children who are being drugged, even poisoned, and who have no frame of reference to understand the situation or even that what their parents are doing is wrong.

The trick here is how to end it. Do the Jani and Bodhi characters get wise to what's happening, there's a final confrontation, and they kill their abusers? Does the Susan character realize they're planning something beforehand and stop them, then administers a lethal overdose? Lots of directions this could go, I'm sure there's some perfect, gorgeous gutpunch of an ending I'm missing here.

And then, of course, you can make interesting amalgams of lolcow lives and characterizations. What do you get when you combine Dave Muscato with Katie Charm?

You get the 21st century The Great Gatsby, a novel about a homeless pseudo-"activist" who was in the nonprofit industry until he trooned out, who at his lowest point invests a small amount (which he used crowdfunded funds for) in a cryptocurrency that blows up and yields huge profits. He is an instant multi-millionaire who creates a lavish lifestyle beyond his means, spending it on ridiculous outfits, lots of crazy lifestyle stuff, tons of surgery, and lots of lavish narcissistic stunts like buying out a Las Vegas theater and making himself the star of the show.

He doesn't realize that the "friends" he's making are using him for his money and would happily stab him in the back if someone richer came along. He doesn't realize that the guests at his parties are laughing at him in his elaborate spangled gowns and enough FFS to make his face look like a mask. And he's always been a bachelor, except that one tragic and traumatic love affair in his past, but one night, at one of his parties, he thinks he's found love...it ends, of course, in death and drama.

And who can forget our gruesome twosome, Greta and Nina?

All our dreams of Troon Waco coming to fruition have been dashed by the Trans Lifeline wising up and firing the scammers, but that's not to say that it wouldn't make an incredible novel, like Les Miserables but the pointless (and easily overwhelmed by the forces of the state) cause is troonery and the right to be exactly who you want to be.

It might look a little bit like Sometimes a Great Notion (if you haven't seen the film adaptation of this book, go do that right now before you even finish reading this), where Greta and Nina's constant refusal to compromise a set of rigid, even nonsensical ideals leads gradually but inexorably to them losing everyone and everything they've ever cared about.

With that, would-be writers of the K-farms, I ask: which lolcow (fictionalized to whatever degree you'd like while retaining the core of what makes them funny here) would make the most [interesting/literary/profitable/whatever, take your pick] novel?


American Hero and/or Film Star
True & Honest Fan
DSP. (since Chris was mentioned first)

He's a guy that just never gets destroyed, even through his complete incompetence and reckless finances.

How he stays afloat and has fan base. Regardless of the fact he lacks game skills, common sense, and has a terrible personality has to be worthy of at least some story.


Terryberry's story is practically the embodiment of the troubled teen girl YA genre. Books that follow a girl chronically fucking up their life through bad decisions like Katie.com and Go Ask Alice, albeit those had less ass pimples and foreign objects in the pooper.

It would be told M. Night Shamalayan style, and the narrator turns out to be her darling boyfriend still denying that he was a large catalyst in her suicide. The final sentence is him adjusting his bra strap.


Extreme Repugnance
The Hartley family's story revolves around a couple that have two severely deformed children. The delusions of the parents cause them to imagine the kids being healthy and popular.

It ends when the veil is removed as one of the gremlins dies, causing everything to collapse.


Hehe xd
True & Honest Fan
A novel? I don't know how you'd describe Brianna Wu's appearance in words but her story would be funny to read. Preppy dumbass rich kid goes to college just to party and be part of some you scene political scene, doesn't get a degree after 10 years all the while drawing some horrifying looking art for a videogame. The process of her making her game would be a fun read and the political stuff would also be enjoyable.

GV 998

A Confederacy of Dunces, except Ignatius and Myrna are one character?
kinda. It does involve a fictional cartoon the main character created and he believes it is real and talks to him as if it were there


Gravel Kang
CWC could make for a potent tale of familial love and tragedy if told from the perspective of Bob Chandler, it could be Bob recounting his relationship with Chris whilst on his deathbed, how he struggled with Chris for being his autistic self but eventually makes up with and accepts who he is before dying.

Basically it'd be a reversed and more intense Big Fish. Obviously you'd need to tone down or omit Bob and Chris's more unsavory traits, and Barb would probably be the antagonist who drove Bob and Chris apart in the first place.

It has potential.


Hehe xd
True & Honest Fan
That Avocado guy.

It’s my understanding that Orlin has an autoimmune disease that is hitting him hard in the kidneys. He got really into juice fasting blah blah.blah because it helped control flair ups. That’s how he met nick because nick at that time was a radical vegan. They’ve been together for ages and nick grew his YouTube career. Orlin use to have a bunch of “the power of fasting” videos. And both of them were raw foodies. Hence the advocado part of his YouTube channel. Well, Orlins disease got worse and was expensive as fucked so they moved to Columbia to afford healthcare and nick basically became the dramatic mukbanger to pull views/money to keep that income coming in to pay for Orlin and his medical needs. Nick got deported. Orlin medical issues got worse and has become terminal. He will die fairly soon. He told nick he doesn’t want him to come back and see him in his degraded health and actively going through the dying process. So he filed for divorce and told nick to continue with his life without him and to continue on with his life and basically consider him already dead since knocking on deaths door already.
Despite being a lolcow it’s a pretty tragic story.

This would make for an interesting book. Like some kind of fucked up Russian novel.


A thousand years old
True & Honest Fan
I once started working on a play about CWC, but the problem was, how do you narrow it down? Where do you start? Where do you end? What do you omit? A completely truthful play would just be too bizarre to be believable. The basic structure was going to be that it would start somewhere around the end of the Megan saga and would revolve around one of the fake sweethearts (most likely JULAY), but combining elements of several different sagas in, most obviously the Blue Arms saga. It would climax with Julie unmasking himself and Chris macing a store employee.

I also think Jake would make for a great darkly comic novel.
Jake's life is going nowhere. He's in his thirties, he has no job, his mother is trying to get him to move out. Jake is in denial about how shitty his life is, because online, he's respected (here we deviate from reality). His blog is a hugely popular account of what it's like to be a trans woman, with its dramatic accounts of assault, abuse and victory over evil. One problem - Jake is not a trans woman. His entire life as "Violet" is a fabrication. There would be a comedic subplot about how he portrays his mother as this evil conservative woman, whereas in fact she's the one out having fun, partying and going on dates while he sits at home.

Then a woman approaches him online. She's a young lesbian, pretty cute, pretty smart. She and Jake get chatting. She encourages him to further his career. As time goes on, it becomes clear that she's actually interested in him romantically. Jake is conflicted. He's into her - no woman has ever expressed an interest in him before, and he is very attracted to her. But the moment she realises that he's been lying about being trans, he's fucked. He has to somehow become the person that he pretended to be online.

Unfortunately, he's made a major mistake. Rendered over-confident by love, he decides to attack a TERF, who quickly doxes him and discovers the truth. Jake not only has to convince his would-be girlfriend that he's trans, but also that the TERF is lying.

Everything comes to a head when his love interest comes begging for help - she's in trouble and needs somewhere to stay. Unable to turn her down, Jake reluctantly agrees, and the ruse is over. He's Jake Alley. He's not trans and never was. She is furious at him. The relationship is off and she never wants to speak to him ever again. Jake is just totally destroyed.

In the final chapter, he receives a letter of acceptance from one of the magazines he submitted to. He starts looking into the possibility of moving out. It ends with him writing back to the magazine, thanking them for the opportunity - but could they call him Jake Alley?

Obviously this differs significantly from reality, in that it relies on Jake being a good writer, being a convincing liar and being, underneath it all, an attractive person.

One I thought of while reading this thread was ADF.
There are two plots in this book. One covers Phil. Phil is a weird loser who keeps attaching himself to causes and coming up with lies to make himself look cooler, but ultimately it's very obvious to the reader that he's a liar and an idiot who's being exploited by his "friends" and doesn't believe in the bullshit he talks about. The timeline is quite compressed - Dusty and Jordman are combined into a single character who overlaps with Slingblade, and Greta is exploiting him throughout.

Meanwhile, in alternating chapters, we follow the historic events taking place in the third world nation of Australatina. There are very few direct links with the other plot, although it is gradually hinted at that Australatina exists in Phil's head and the events in the country are tied in with those in Phil's life. As Phil's life gets worse, so conditions in Australatina get worse.

The book reaches its climax with Phil, in a desperate attempt to become accepted by the trans community, getting his cock chopped off. Except nothing changes. No one likes him. Finally, it appears that Phil has realised how terrible his life is and how terrible he is. Until the last chapter, set in Australatina, which finally breaks away from reality entirely as Phil's refuge in fantasy becomes all that's keeping him from suicide. Phil appears in Australatina as the new God-Emperor.

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