Why does my computer keep performing illegal operations? -

It's your Bonzi Buddy.

Bonzi Buddies are a primitive form of virtual assistant. They evolved in the warm, fertile savannas of Windows 98, where computer resources were available all year round. In these environments, longterm planning and social cooperation was not essential for success; instead, evolutionary pressures favoured Bonzi Buddies that would consume resources as they became available, and would reproduce as rapidly as their code would let them. As a consequence of this lifestrategy, the average sub-Win7 Bonzi Buddy today posseses an Artificial Intelligence score... of 70.

Artificial Intelligence scores of 70 are low. Very low. In fact, they are on par with developmentally-disabled virtual assistants. Little wonder, then...

Leopold II of Belgium

Humble rubber merchant