Damn, I was considering starting this thread. I did a sporting of one of her 'books' on another forum. Hang on, let me see if I can copy pasta it over...
Yeah, here we go. Let's see if formatting decided not to be a fuckwit. I apologize for the juvenile tone, it was more in line with the forum it was originally posted on. Also, the spoiler tags just want to play fuckass with it if I try to spoiler the whole thing with smaller spoilers inside, so fuck it. It's gonna be a long fucker.
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Howdy, y’all. I’ve got a real turd here. I debated for a while whether to put it in New Releases or Original, but in the end, I decided I would put it here, because there’s nothing even remotely original about this book.
Without further Ado, I give you…..
The Wogglebug’s Guide to Manners
-or-
Do as I say, Not as I Do, by Wogglebug[strike]fuck[/strike]lover
-or-
Thank Fuck I’m High
I’ve had this knocking around my hard drive for a long time, so it was quite a pleasant surprise when bugfucker showed up. For the record, I can confirm the deletion of every even slightly negative review on every site. But that’s neither here nor there, so let’s dive right into it!
Be warned. Below, you will see uncensored illustrations from this tome of horrors. All quotes are extracted verbatim from the source. Do not expand anything if ye be faint of heart or weak of stomach.
This page introduces us to-OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF ART CLASSES OR SHADING OR PERSPECTIVE. Okay, I’m going to try not to rag too hard on the artwork, since I actually admire Woggie for hiring a developmentally disabled artist. At least, I hope to God that’s why the illustrations are so bad. But one thing I can’t let pass…. The canonical Wogglebug has a lengthened index finger to approximate a lecturer’s wand. Even the most apathetic reader knows this. Leaving that out really shows a lack of knowledge of the source material.
Hello to all of you, my dear young friends! It gives me such pleasure to see you all today!
http://i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000036258614-v4snz4-original.png?3eddc42
Oh god, now I’m going to be reading everything in Herbert’s voice. The fuck have I done to myself?
Now as you must have noticed, I am a thoroughly educated gentlebug with the manners of such. I learned them all by listening to and observing the wise professor and also his students in the school room I had grown up in, so to speak.
You know, most people, if told they had manners and education of a beetle, they’d be upset. Bugfucker, on the other hand, that would actually be an improvement. So, meh.
And now as I am a teacher myself
Oh, God, JUST as the ‘pedophile teacher’ stories were dying away for a while. Low hanging fruit, much?
I shall be honored to give you a lesson on how to have the manners I have, which are easy and fun to learn.
“Spoiler: It involves drugs. Lots of drugs. And blood.”
So you just listen to and observe me as I go through a whole day that is typical for me in the Land of Oz.
Well, I would hope that going through a whole day is typical of your day. I mean, imagine if you typically only existed for twelve hours and disappeared to god knows where? You’d be a timelord!
That might be the best rapeface ever on the Tin man, there. Also, he only has one leg.
Every morning I wake up with the sun.
“The son of one of my neighbors, that is. We woggled half the night.”
Then I go out and I happen to come by a couple close friends of mine, The Scarecrow and Tin Woodman. I smile and I say 'Good morning' to them.
“They’re
Very Close friends, you know. A bit old for my tastes, but they do seem to care for each other.”
Good god, that face. And scarecrow’s expression makes me think that he just suddenly got something shoved up his ass. Oh. So that’s where the Tiin Man’s other leg went. Ew.
horrible faces aside, I do like the addition of the spiritual icon on Dorothy’s crown. and the eternity symbol is certainly an appropriate choice, as she looks old as fuck here.
In the Emerald City courtyard I find Princess Dorothy and her charming little dog Toto.
“Dorothy had just turned fifty, as you can see. As had Toto, due to his pact with Satan all those years ago.” Seriously, that dog looks like Cthulhu fucked Chewbacca on a Ouija board.
I notice Dorothy has a new crown and Toto has a new collar and I compliment these things of theirs.
I used to love it when Dorothy complimented my thing, but then she got old. Alas, none can stay children forever.”
Then Dorothy sees my new Oz pendant and compliments on it, to which I reply, 'Thank you, my dear!'
“I made it from the blood of a thousand children. Don’t ask where the blood came from.”
I next find two more of my friends, Jack Pumpkinhead and the Sawhorse. It seems the two of them are having a sort of a dispute over something.
“Well, it looked more like the Sawhorse was trying to fuck Jack in the ass. With his rear legs, apparently.”
Which is not really uncommon for these two.
“There is a reason Jack always walks funny.”
So after I say 'Pardon me, my good friends,' I then proceed to help them resolve their conflict with each other and help them see that it is all right to disagree as long we still respect each others personal boundaries
“No means no. Unless it’s one of those gorgeous preteens over there. Speaking of which, toodle-oo!”
Next I come across two young boys who are having a severe quarrel in the middle of a game of theirs.
"They had been having the argument for fifty years if they started as young boys, judging by their faces. I began to wonder what was happening causing everything in this not-really-Oz to look so horrible. It was like we were nothing but sketches by an exceptional individual on ketamine"
They seem almost on the brink of doing harm to each other.
"And it was my job to do harm to minors in Oz."
So after I come between them
I help them to find a way to keep playing with each other
Honestly, i dont even think I could make that sound more pedophile-y if I tried. Bravo, Bugfucker, bravo.
I am approached by the Wizard of Oz who tells me about the surprise party this evening for the Frogman to celebrate the first anniversary of when he came to live with us, and he invites me to come to it. And I happily accept saying, 'Oh, yes, of course I will. Thank you very much!’
First, remember how I said Tinman had the best rapeface ever? The Wiz just stepped up his game. Second, Wiz, Wogglebug, Frogface confirmed for gay sexy times threesome. We need fanarts now.
I am approached by Princess Dorothy and her friends, Betsy, Trot, and Button-Bright. They say they are going on a picnic and invite me to come along with them. To which I delightedly reply, 'Of course, I'd love to!'
"Some days, you don't even need to give the candy. I had trained Dorothy well over the years."
Along our way, we meet Billina the yellow hen as she is leading her fuzzy yellow chicks along the road. So we stop a moment and let them pass by us. I tip my hat as we all wave to them.
"Billina was once fucked by a tennis racquet. That is why her chicks look like tennis balls."
Once we reach the spot for our picnic we spread out our blanket and set up our meal together.
"Rohypnol cookies for the kids, and the kids for me!"
Also, penisfinger.
I then sit straight beside Dorothy. When I want something I always ask with 'please," and then reply with 'thank you' when it is given to me
"If you don't treat the. Special, they will tell their parents."
I sometimes reply with 'no thank you' when they ask if I want something.
Bless her heart, Dorothy never got the hint that she's simply too old for my tastes now."
I also never speak with my mouth full and I also use my napkin.
"Otherwise those kid-juices stain"
After our picnic we clean up the place where we were,
See? I don't even have to try. Clearly the author secretly wants to out the Wogglebug.
Along the way we meet with the Cowardly Lion. It seems he has had a hair cut, or rather a mane cut, and is feeling rather embarrassed by it because ie isn't sure if it looks good with him
At the behest of a very good friend of mine who is homosexual, I will forego the obvious gay jokes here and simply observe that the lion looks like an aging drag queen gone to seed.
I will however, point out that as a noun, ‘haircut’ is a single word. You fail so hard you fail at failing. And then fail anyway.
We assure him he is as handsome a lion as he always is, and I add that his mane will always grow back also
"The second part, of course, caused him to realize I was lying about him still looking good.In his anger, he kills all the children. "
“His rage not fully satiated by the carnage however, the lion left this mockery of Oz and moved to a zoo in Dallas Tx, where he eventually killed the lioness who he bunked with.”
Once I am back at the Emerald City, I begin to prepare myself for the party this evening. And who isn't always concerned with how they look and act at a party, especially when it is here in the Emerald City? So after I have washed myself up and had my clothes neatly pressed to perfection, I head out to the Palace dining room.
See that fuckery all over his shirt? This is why someone with actual artistic sense erases their pencil sketch after they’ve inked over it; even I know that. But then again, the slow-in-the-mind illustrator doesn’t even understand three-point perspective, shading, or even basic consistency of scale, so maybe he just is that stupid.
As everyone is gathering inside and the party is beginning, I greet as many of the other guests I can who come my way and I give them my best smile, letting them know how happy I am to see them here also.
That is the most phallic finger ever. And the Tinman seems to have picked up on it, judging by the pedo-grin. That beige thing is gonna get it.
If I bump into someone by accident, or someone bumps into me, I quickly stand straight again and say, 'Oh dear, I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there a moment ago.'
That….. thing’s… face just says ‘oh god please not the buttfucking again.’ You cannot unsee it.
I meet with the Frogman, and I congratulate him on his year of happiness of living here at the Palace, and let him know also about how much his friendship will always mean to me.
God only knows where that finger’s going to end up this time. Also, that’s supposed to be the frogman? It looks like an inbred ogre. Adding that to the list of horrible things I’d rather be reading than this: Shrek fucking his own kids to create a super-exceptional individual.
I hope you all enjoy the sacrifices I’m making here.
When I feel I have to sneeze I always cover my nose and my mouth with my handkerchief.
“Froggy takes the opportunity to insert himself
quite a ways up my ass.”
The Frogman's friend, Cayke the Cookie Cook, has brought with her a whole new kind of cookies. She comes to us and invites me to try one. And of course I reply with, 'It will be my pleasure, Miss Cayke!' And then after I've tried one I let her know just how good they are.
"All they need is some rohypnol and they'll be perfect for my next wacky molestation adventure!"
Okay, if that’s a chick, I’m the goddamn Pope. That is a pink-haired transvestite with rapecookies.
Another one for the list: Transvestite baker uses rape-cookies to gather a harem of children.
….Actually, that’s probably where this one is going anyway. Fuck.[/spoiler]
Also, goddamn really? ‘cookie cook’? That’s the best you could do? Avatar put more effort into ‘unobtanium’ than that. And they had 100% less pedophiles in that movie, too! Fuck me sideways with a rake, I just said something positive about Avatar’s plot. This is starting to take its toll.
Shortly afterward, dinner is served. I sit beside the Frogman and Jack Pumpkinhead. And I follow the same etiquette as I had at the picnic. I sit straight, and eat politely, I never interrupt when someone else is speaking, and of course I use my napkin.
Pedowizard is watching you.
After dinner, the Wizard puts on a magic show for us all. And as I watch I do not speak, but I do like to applaud and sometimes laugh when the time is right for it, of course.
"After all, the Wizard would take anyone who didn't applaud to the dungeon. They were never heard from again, but the Wizard always wound up with a new leather coat afterward."
For the list: Sweeney Todd in Oz. Actually, I’d read the hell out of that.
After this, everyone begins to slowly leave. And just before I do, my friends, including Dorothy and the Frogman, come up to me to say good night and also give me hugs.
"Dorothy, despite being a bit codependent, was very good at enticing children for me, so I always make sure to keep her feeling loved."
And yes, giving hugs are my favorite kinds of manners as they are manners for saying 'I love you'.
"Just never tell your parents about HOW I love you, right? They'd lock you up."
Well, that is all for now. Goodbye, my young friends, and I hope you've all enjoyed hearing this lesson as much as I have enjoyed giving it!
"Because I certainly enjoyed giving it to the little children!"
So there you have it. The Sonichu comics of the new decade.
Fuck I need alcohol now. Fuck.
I’ll have something witty later. Fuck.
Goddamn my poor bleeding eyes.
Fuck.
