My sides, I'm dying here! This shit makes "Food Fight" look like fucking Avatar.Okay, last night I subjected myself to this movie along with @NIGGO KILLA and @Kyria the Great, because I hate myself.
I have a basic outline of this movie prepared (note that I was drinking during this so things may be a bit fuzzy)
- Our movie starts by introducing us to our kinda-main character, Sylvie (or as I'm calling her from now on, Bug Sperg). Bug Sperg is described as a shy girl who doesn't do well with her peers, but is actually really wise and intelligent and special. I wonder who this could be a self-insert of?
- Bug Sperg lives in...foster care? And orphanage? Maybe some kind of kid farm? Point is, Badtouch McBrowncoat, some random guy, adopts her. Or fosters her? It's not really explained. That plot thread gets resolved rather quickly.
- The next day, Bug Sperg is in school. There is a substitute teacher who will now be known as Count Chocula, due to his terrible Eastern-European accent. Count Chocula gives the class magnifying glasses and tells them to run around outside looking for shit. Bug Sperg finds a bug and dubs it a new species...because I guess an 8 year old has enough training to determine if a specimen is a new species?
- She takes it back to Count Chocula and names it a Wogglebug. FORESHADOWING!
- Bug Sperg gets adopted by Badtouch McBrowncoat and his wife, and has a wonderful perfect happy new home. This probably should have gone at the end of the movie, to make, like, tension or a character arc or something?
- Bug Sperg goes into the attic and finds a painting. She is then transported to a magical realm and meets our main character, the Wogglebug. Remember how I said that Bug Sperg was kinda the main character? The Wogglebug is the real main character, as he's the focus of the goddamn movie and the only one who has any attempt at a character arc.
- I must consume your soul.
- The Wogglebug tells his story, about how he was once a simple bug living in a classroom. Then, one day, Professor Knowitall, the 'smartest person in the world', granted him sentience and made him human-sized for no discernible reason, like a mad god.
- Somehow, the Wogglebug is now Highly Educated. He gets a nice new suit and Professor Knowitall sets him loose upon an unsuspecting world, as he doesn't want to deal with the giant cockroach any more.
- Wogglebug sets out to gain acceptance in a land that hates and fears him, by going to the King of the land (who I'm calling Robert Baratheon, since he looks like a crude attempt to make a GoT character in GMod).
- Still better than Season 8.
- Bug Sperg and Frankenroach set off to King's Landing. Understandably, King Baratheon is not too impressed with the giant cockroach, and tells him to fuck off. Unless, of course, he can complete a magical mystical quest of wonder. He needs to go talk to some oak trees to learn about the dark evil that threatens the land.
- Nothing Freudian about these trees at all
- The Wood-bearing trees reveal the source of the Evil: Aztec George Soros, a big-nosed, short, swarthy, power-mad, greedy gnome priest with a gay-New York jew voice who wants to implement a New World Order and change the forest from it's natural state. This movie is redpilled on the Gnomish Question.
- The movie's villain, the autistic fear of change in the form of Le Happy Merchant.
- George Soros quickly proves to be the best character in the film, due to his hilarious voice acting and goofy antics. He does some typical evil gloating and then poofs away.
- Bug Sperg and Frankenroach wander off to recruit the elves to join their Shoah.
- This is what the elves look like by the way.Like Chinese knock-off versions of Link, with dead eyes and yaoi hands.
- There's some boring talking shit and we meet the fairy queen. One of the elves, who I'm calling Loink, joins up with Bug Sperg and Frankenroach.
- The party goes to recruit the Pixie division of the SS.The Tinkerbell Blow-up-Dolls join their party.
- Loink and Tonkerbull argue about racial supremacy until Bug Sperg tells them to knock it off, as they still need to resolve the Gnomish Question. Loink and Tonkerbull agree, and disappear from the rest of the movie, because Cynthia ran out of money to pay their voice actors.
- There is very bizarre scene where Bug Sperg and Frankenroach walk into a cave and see George Soros talking to a ball of light, in which he reveals that he's actually working for the voice in the ball of light, and is just a minion. Bug Sperg and co make no reaction to this, and it is never brought up again.
- Frankenroach and Bug Sperg recruit some furries to their campaign.They're supposed to be Bigfoots, because Bigfoot is a well-known staple of fantasy settings.
- The party then meet Tree Thot. She serves no purpose other than to flash tree-tits
- Frankenroach and Bug Sperg then go to recruit the Mermaids, who apparently live in a foot-deep pond in the middle of a field. George Soros shows up for more evil gloating, and trolls Wogglebug into tardraging, and freezes the mermaids.
- Bug Sperg and Wogglebug continue onwards into an evil forest full of Kiwi Trees, who mock them. The Kiwi Trees shatter Wogglebug's heart level by pointing out that his arrogance and temper allowed George Soros to mess with him. Wogglebug crashes into slumber, only for Bug Sperg to teach him the lesson of the movie: When people present you with criticism, just ignore them! You're perfect the way you are, and they're all mean haters! Introspection and self-improvement are for losers!
- They get past the forest and meet up with the rest of the gang for the Final Solution. Bug Sperg touches a dead tree and causes it to rise as Treebeard. This Dues ex Machina shoots sap all over George Soros, imprisoning him forever. Problem solved.
- For finding the Final Solution to the Gnomish question, King Baratheon awards Wogglebug with full citizenship, and makes him Chief Adviser. One has to wonder as to the amount of royal inbreeding required to appoint a talking cockroach as your national adviser.
- Professor Knowitall shows up and, TWIST!, he was the substitute teacher, Count Chocula, from the beginning of the film! Bug Sperg was the chosen one or some bullshit due to finding the bug at the start of the movie.
- Bug Sperg returns home, but Wogglebug promises that they'll have more adventures later
- And that's the film. Good lord it was a mess.
GodBear Bless you @EurocopterTigre for archiving this and for the Mega link. I am saving this until my bro comes over and we watch this well lubricated with vodka. This is gonna be 'Heroes of Wrestling' kind of horribad, the kind that the booze smoothes over so perfectly making for a howlingly funny experience. :-)