Write a fanfiction about your favorite kiwis -

Valiant

Salty Space Bitch
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
kiwifarms.net
Part 1: A Love Story
One day while Null was masturbating, Vordrak g
ot wood.

The important thing to realize about this sentence is that it presupposes that the reader is familiar with the Kiwi Farm's mythos, Null is the administrator and Vordrak is the name of his nemesis, a crazy British politician in excile. In the setting, Null is in the location of Vodrak, but IRL this would merely never happen. It is in this fantasy world that our story also takes place. In the first sentence alone, Vordrak's got Wood gives the reader all of the information they need to understand the setting. Both protagonists of the work, Null and Vordrak are named, and the fact that Null is masturbating implies that Vordrak's got Wood takes place some time between his adolescence and death, after Null has started puberty. The sentence also lets the reader know that Vordrak and Null have biological functions akin to their anatomy, so Vordrak has the ability to get "wood" or, an erection. This use of slang is a common literary trope for informal settings, seen to the extreme in works such as The Clockwork Orange, and shows the audience that the characters are distanced from mainstream society. The sentence also functions as a hook to get the reader further into the work.

He could no longer help himself!

He (Vordrak), in this sentence is shown at being incredibly sexually frustrated. The reader is left to assume that Vordrak has seen Null masturbate many times in the past but has been unable to pleasure himself because he must remain motionless to keep up the facade. It is at this point that Vordrak cannot resist his sexual urges any longer and acts upon them. Several literary analysts insist that his sentence is an allusion to the Greek god Zeus, also unable to resist sexual temptation despite other commitments.

He watched as Null stroked his juicy kawaii cock.

Some believe that this sentence was actually intended to be the second sentence in the work, however its unusual placement was entirely intentional. This sentence shows the reader exactly how sexually attracted to Null Vordrak is. Vordrak focuses singularly on this one part of Null's anatomy. Null's penis is described as "juicy" but it is unclear if this word means that Null's penis is covered in Cowper's fluid, or if his penis is being compared to something large and thick, like a juicy piece of fruit. This wording is still hotly debated among Vordrak's got Wood scholars. The use of the word "kawaii" is also very interesting, as it is the first of several uses of Japanese in Vordrak's got Wood. Inexperienced readers sometimes think that this implies that Null and Vordrak are Japanese in the setting of this work, but that is an incorrect interpretation. Instead, the word "kawaii" is borrowed because the authors sentiments cannot be properly expressed in English. While the word literally translates to "cute," there is more to the word than that. Kawaii is an entire aspect of Japanese culture, giving it a much grander meaning than our word. The author is attempting to covey this importance here because of how important Null is to Vordrak. Additionally, the word is juxtaposed next to the word "cock," a typically vulgar word. This shocks the reader and alerts them that Vordrak's got Wood is going to be extremely intimate and vulgar and will not be censored just for the audience's sake.

He approached Null which startled him and make him pee everywhere on the floor and on Vordrak too.

At this point in the story, Vordrak has given up the charade of being just being a troll and has confronted Null directly. Discovering that one's adversaries were in fact, capable of independent love would be shocking to anyone, and Null is no exception. Indeed, Null is so startled that he loses control of his bladder. Cynics frequently point out that human males cannot urinate when erect, as the external urethral sphincter closes, however this is not always true as the internal urethral sphincter (which is closer to the bladder) remains open until orgasm, thus it is possible, though unlikely, to spontaneously urinate if the external urethral sphincter receives a sudden shock. In this case, so much urine was accidentally released it flowed "everywhere on the floor" as well as on Vordrak himself. The urine of course did not literally go "everywhere," that is merely an overstatement for dramatic effect.

Being drenched in his urine made him harder than ever!

This sentence has confused many readers, as it is unclear which of the characters is becoming more "hard" or having a more powerful erection. The issue is primarily one of grammar, but the debate is very important in the events of the story. There are two camps among scholars, each believing it refers to difference characters. The N-Urolagniaists believe that the sentence is to be read as a stand alone and Null is the subject of the both pronoun. In this interpretation, Null has become more aroused after being drenched in his own urine. V-Urolagniaists believe that the oblique pronoun "him" refers to Vordrak, as Vordrak was the last subject directly mention. In this interpretation, after being covered in Null's urine, Vordrak became more aroused. V-Urolagniaists argue that since Vordrak is the only character directly mentioned to have urine on him, he must be the one getting harder. N-Urolagniaists counter by saying that the author has omitted specifics several times in the work, and it implied that while peeing with an erection in a sitting position, Null would have gotten some of his urine on himself. The debate rages in Space Universities even today.

Part 2: The Lover's Confession
Vordrak: "Null Senpai! I'm alive and I want to be INSIDE OF YOU."


Here, Vordrak's got Wood completely changes its narrative style. Rather than being written in story format, the author chooses to eschew traditional technique in order to write the dialog like that of a play. An extremely bold risk, but it remains one of the reasons the story has gotten so popular. When one of the characters speaks, the book has their name written and then a colon. The name is not to be read aloud, but instead used to alert the reader which character is speaking. Vordrak has two sentences here, first and exclamation and then a proper pair of statements. First, Vordrak gets Null's attention by calling him "Null Senpai." Senpai is another Japanese word borrowed because of a lack of English equivalent. Senpai is an honorific term used when speaking to an older classmate. Presumably, Vordrak is using it because he has grown up with Null, but Null is of course older than him. Vordrak then goes on to admit the truth to Null that he is alive, and caught up in the moment admits his sexual desire. "To be inside someone" is a euphemism for sexual intercourse, as the penis enters a part of the other person's body through an orifice. In this sentence however, it has a double meaning, the second as the reader will see being quite literal.

Null: "Oh Vordrak Chan!

Three sentences from Null here show Null's reaction to learning of Vordrak's confession. First, Null responds in kind to Vordrak's use of Japanese honorifics, calling him Vordrak Chan. Chan is a term of endearment attached to the names of people that are close to the speaker, usually women. Chan can be used for men, but it is often mocking or used for men who are extremely feminine. In this case Vordrak is being called Chan because of his small size in comparison to Null.

I always knew you weren't a troll! I want to stuff you up my kawaii ass!"

Null continues, affirming to Vordrak that he was already aware that Vordrak wasn't a troll and knew for some time. It is unclear if it means to say Null literally knew Vordrak was a troll, having discovered evidence of it, or if he merely had suspicions that were confirmed when Vordrak confronted him. Either way, Null continues and tells Vordrak that he feels the same way about him. Null informs Vordrak that he wants to have Vordrak inside him, specifically to put all of Vordrak inside of his anus. Rectal stimulation via the prostate is very common in homosexual relationships, and this is no exception. Given Vordrak's small size, it is unlikely that his penis would be very pleasurable to Null, so Null decides to take Vordrak's offer of being "inside him" literally by stuffing Vordrak's entire body up his rectum. Note the second use of "kawaii" followed by a explicative for a dramatic juxtaposition. This repetition reminds the reader of what is to come, giving the faint of heart one last chance to turn away.

Vordrak grabbed a bunch of flavored lube and rubbed it all over his head

Vordrak has now been given the chance to act on his long repressed sexual urges. Eager to please his beloved Null, he obeys his request without a hint of hesitation, seriously implying that the two share a much deeper and more passionate love for one another. This subtext is re-inforced by their mutual desire to have Vordrak physically inside of Null, rather than the more common definition of the term wherin one simply engages in sexual intercourse with the other.

Vordrak: "Oh my! It's cherry flavored lube! Cherry is my favorite!"

Once again, we feel the unspoken mutual affection of our two star crossed lovers through the subtleties of this tale. Though they have never held a conversation together up until now, Null's deep connection to his soul mate has surpassed the need for words, and he has provided Vordrak with his favorite flavor of sexual lubricant.


Vordrak then stuffed his head up into Null's tight ass! The other lolcows around the room watched intently as Vordrak shoved his head back and forth into Null's nice ass, continuously making a squishy wet noise. The other lolcows also became aroused and they all gathered around Vordrak and Null and started to urinate all over them, and then they started to masturbate. Null: "Oh my goodness, Vordrak Chan! You are churning my insides up so well! Your nose is stimulating my prostate! OH YES! All the other lolcows and trolls became so aroused by this, that they could not help themselves anymore! They pushed Vordrak completely inside, and they all went inside. All of them wanted to be inside Null's nice round ass. Null: "No wait guys! My ass cannot hold this much! I'm getting so full! All the trolls went inside of poor squirming Null and pretty much, he was beyond full, and died from having his insides completely damaged. The mother came inside and found Null, dead with a huge ass hemorrhage on his anus, with a HUGE belly full of cows.
 

Lackadaisy

kiwifarms.net
CasualSeppuku stopped and gazed into space. Oh no. It was happening; She couldn't help thinking about AN/ALR again. She tried not too.

Desperate to avoid the thoughts that could not be, no, - would not be- held back. But like dozens of unstoppable loyal followerss they came creeping forward till they filled Her brain; AN/ALRs smile shined like gold, as impressive as a truck, it filled the warehouse and CasualSeppuku was helplessly but willingly absorbed into them.

AN/ALRs eyes were like footballs.If you rolled them they would go quite far.

AN/ALRs legs were like a radio tower. Straight and tight.

AN/ALRs chest was like a Mercenaryss. Powerful and impossible to ignore.

How could CasualSeppuku not be helpless in the face of that?

She wanted to hug AN/ALR so much, and maybe, just maybe butt fuck him.

CasualSeppuku snapped out of it. But the thoughts of AN/ALR would be back. Would She be able to resist next time?

@CasualSeppuku & @AN/ALR56 :)

include me, but have me die in the same sentence i'm introduced in
 

El Garbage

I'm disabling this fucking cesspool of hate
kiwifarms.net
Internet War Criminal was driving around in his pimped-out F150, when he felt a horrible ache in his loins.
"I haven't committed a war crime in a week" he moaned and decided to correct his mistake.

First IWC spotted a zoo full of pansy gay animals such as peacocks and flamingos.
"I hate liberal animals" IWC said and floored the pedal. The colossal F150 barged into the zoo, and all the faggot animals turned into red mush beneath the all-season tires. As an added bonus, the truck's CO2 output caused a local climate change, and the zoo turned into a swamp.
"Just what I needed" IWC said, grabbed a couple of alligators from the back of the truck, and tossed them into the swamp. "Now this is a proper AMERICAN zoo!"

Next stop was a community college where everyone was a gay faggot studying gay faggot studies.
"Stop! No conservative can step inside our safe space", the lead liberal screamed, and so IWC drove his truck through the wall, like a proper American should. Then he punched every liberal until the gay fell away, and they all decided to become lead smelters in a nearby factory. The plant poisoned both the air and the land, and all illegal immigrants either died or fled back to Mexico as they couldn't survive in a proper capitalist environment.

At this point there was a huge reeing of sirens, and the Internet Police arrived at the scene. They shot IWC with a Cease and Desist gun, and took him to the president.
"Mister President, we have caught a horrible criminal", the police captain said.
"What was his crime?", Trump asked, wringing his small, cheeto-colored hands.
"He restarted industrial production, drove away the illegals, and created a habitat for the local wildlife!"
"You mean... he MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN? That is no crime! Release this man at once and give him the Congressional Medal of Great!"

And that is what they did.
 

FatFuckingClown

*pins you to the ground and force-feeds you crack*
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
One day, a FatFuckingClown got arrested for eating too many hot dogs in SafeWay without paying for them first. In prison, everyone wanted to fuck her, even the cafeteria guy. who was actually really hot. And secretly her long lost dad

She had waste-length raven hair, huge red eyes, and really big thingys, but she's a INNOCENT PURE VIRGIN!!1! (She won't loose her chastidy until Chapter 2.)

But her vergina juice had special healing powers, and when they shot her cellmate Hinata Granger during a raid, she sat on Hinata's face and cried, but she was actually helping her. So now everyone is chasing her.

She also raped a bunch of dudes at this bus stop last June. she asked them for directions and they made fun of her for having such enormous boobys so she killed them all with a No. 2 pencil and did sex with there neck holes.
 

Pikimon

Exceptionally Overachieving Mexican
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Internet War Criminal was driving around in his pimped-out F150, when he felt a horrible ache in his loins.
"I haven't committed a war crime in a week" he moaned and decided to correct his mistake.

First IWC spotted a zoo full of pansy gay animals such as peacocks and flamingos.
"I hate liberal animals" IWC said and floored the pedal. The colossal F150 barged into the zoo, and all the faggot animals turned into red mush beneath the all-season tires. As an added bonus, the truck's CO2 output caused a local climate change, and the zoo turned into a swamp.
"Just what I needed" IWC said, grabbed a couple of alligators from the back of the truck, and tossed them into the swamp. "Now this is a proper AMERICAN zoo!"

Next stop was a community college where everyone was a gay faggot studying gay faggot studies.
"Stop! No conservative can step inside our safe space", the lead liberal screamed, and so IWC drove his truck through the wall, like a proper American should. Then he punched every liberal until the gay fell away, and they all decided to become lead smelters in a nearby factory. The plant poisoned both the air and the land, and all illegal immigrants either died or fled back to Mexico as they couldn't survive in a proper capitalist environment.

At this point there was a huge reeing of sirens, and the Internet Police arrived at the scene. They shot IWC with a Cease and Desist gun, and took him to the president.
"Mister President, we have caught a horrible criminal", the police captain said.
"What was his crime?", Trump asked, wringing his small, cheeto-colored hands.
"He restarted industrial production, drove away the illegals, and created a habitat for the local wildlife!"
"You mean... he MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN? That is no crime! Release this man at once and give him the Congressional Medal of Great!"

And that is what they did.
0/10 unrealistic, IWC would've looked for trannies to bang the entire time
 

PostRegretStressDisorder

Benjamin Harmond Howard IRL
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Chapter II: What's the catch?

~~~~~STARRING~~~~~
@PostRegretStressDisorder
@entropyseekswork
@CasualSeppuku
@Null
@Ntwadumela
@Dynastia
@Kilted Gentleman
@Deathfromabove
@Kiwi Jeff
@wagglyplacebo
@Internet War Criminal
@bearycool
@Coleman Francis
@Cricket
@DNJACK

Post slowly got up from his kneeling position, looking at the puddle of puke and blood.

"What the? Jesus, Entropy! You don't think-" Post still looked pale, and at the moment, horrorstricken at the blood in his vomit.

"Think what?" Entropy turned her head to Post and a frown appeared on her face. It was a mixture of worry and uncertainty.

"All that cider gave me ulcers?" Post looked at her with a usual smirk, his attempt to always lighten the mood, no matter the situation.

"I don't know. Probably." Entropy sighed, relieved that it wouldn't have anything to do with...Why was she so uncertain? Internally Entropy was groaning and thought about the day ahead, and all the plans that went into this adventure. She gripped the hilt to her dagger on her left, and nodded at Post.

"Well, it's nothing, let's go." And with that Post and Entropy continued on towards the door to the inner court, a sturdy oak door, the kind that have a mini door near the left side for ease of access. Right then that very door opened and a small figure clad in an expensive looking leather jacket in the Kiwi colors. On both her sides were small daggers and had many pockets in both her jacket and pants, all of which were occupied by at least one thing, though many of these pockets were close to spilling out whatever was inside. That wouldn't be good, because this is CasualSeppuku, Null's spymaster. Well, spymaster in training. She officially has the title but she none the less has to deal with the inner politics of the Kiwi court, and sometimes, actually a lot of times, people forget her rank and insult her. Good for her, as that gives her an excuse to dig information on whoever was discourteous, and sometimes she was able to black mail them. Sometimes.

"What the fuck is this? Why is there blood in the western hallway?!" Casual yelped, walking briskly towards Entropy and Post, mainly Post.

"I know that was you, I know! You're fucked up again, aren't you?! How many people asked you to stay sober for this one day and you can't even do that. You're a terrible mercenary! The worst! None can compare!"

"Good to see you too, Casual." Post smirked again, finding her anger amusing. Though he knew she wasn't truly angry, at the very least just irked at the vomit. And who wouldn't be?

"Not today, no! Today is different! I'm absolutely pissed I have to introduce you to Null with you puking blood everywhere-"

"Oh no, not your reputation. M'lady, if anyone would dishonor you I assure you I will cut them down with this..." Post spontaneously unsheathed his marmelke sword and hoisted it up in the air, shiny and new. Newly looted.

"Sheathe your blade, Post! I swear, you don't care, you never care. You act like a madman but the trick is you're only acting to be a madman, right?" Casual ended her question with a sarcastic drawl, rolling her eyes.

Entropy chimed in, stifling a snicker. "Something like that."

Casual looked at Entropy, "How can you stomach him?"

"Oh, he's not like this everytime, well, not all the time." Entropy smiled and looked at Post while nudging him in the gut with her elbow.

Post chuckled sensibly, though a hint of awkwardness and anxiety followed once he remembered back to when he vomited. He thought to himself that it wasn't the opium that caused it, no, he felt something dark, something sinister that surged through him. He thought it was like being a conduit. But to what?

"Wellll then, shall we?" Casual pointed to the doorway leading to the inner court with both hands, as if in a game show. What's behind door number 1? She amusingly thought to herself.

They all walked towards the door, opened it and walked down the hallway to the inner court and throne room, their clacking of boots echoing down the hallway.
-----------

Cole rallied the Knight Kats Klub members and sighed with relief once he saw Post and Entropy approaching the room with Casual. Behind Cole were Jeff and Deathfromabove amongst other members of the Knights Kats. Cole and they were Post's best men and trusted friends. Cole gave a crisp salute to Post and Post returned it.

"Glad to see you out of bed." Cole nodded to Post as he and Entropy lined up next to him, all of the Knight Kats. The inner court was already full with some members of Null's court though most were circled together and whispering, at times looking at Post and his crew, not sure what to make of it.

"Where's the king?" Post muttered softly to Cole.

"Not too sure, he should be here soon-" Just then Cole looked at the door behind the throne opening. "Ah, speak of the devil."

Just then Ntwadumela, Dynastia, Kilted Gentleman and Wagglyplacebo entered the throne room, all circled around Null. Null looked tired and distant, though he couldn't help but place his eyes on the ragtag group in white known as the Knight Kats Klub. Kilted Gentleman spoke to Null, somewhat beseeching him.

"M'lord, it's been over a decade since Something Sensitive has seceeded from Something Awful. The assistance we talked about to win the land, the help you offered."

"The help I was to offer was conditional. Now that Lowtax has been in contact with me and assuring that he would secure his borders more to help with Goon refugees not entering my lands has been good enough for me. I want this discussion to end."

"M'lord...You can't trust Lowtax, he uses the goons as biological warfare, and he WILL release them into the kiwi lands, at the most inopportune moment with this war against the dox kingdom."

"Dox kingdom? You mean Dox rebels. Those lands used to belong to me."

"Technically, yes. But before they belonged to Cwcki."

"That war was won and I claimed those lands. Kilted, end of discussion. I can't help Something Sensitive in such pressing times. I wish I could, but I can't." With that Null sat on the throne and stretched out, placing himself in a power position with both hands on the throne's arm rest, looking out to his court and glancing at the Knight Kats.

"Ave, Knight Kats Klub!" Wagglyplacebo walked infront of the KKK. "Kneel before thy king."

Post bowed his head, followed by Entropy and Cole and the other members followed suit, all kneeling.

"Hail, Null!" Ntwadumela saluted to attention and then became at ease, approaching Post.

"Glad you could make." He whispered to Post and nodded with a smile.

"Glad to see you too." Post whispered back and nodded his head to Ntwadumela.

Dynastia remained behind the throne room in the shadows, biting into an apple while pacing around a pillar, looking at the court and at times looking at the Knight Kats Klub with a smirk on his face, obviously biting his tongue. He was known for his biting wit but for now the only biting he was concerned about was biting into his apple.

"Now then..." Null said slowly with a curious look on his face at Post and his crew. "I have a task for you, Post. A task for both you and your men.

"I'm all ears." Post looked at Null, at attention. "What is it you need, m'lord?"

"To be blunt, I need you to infiltrate the Dox Kingdom and kill the 'queen' and 'king' of those lands. They are nothing more than usurpers but they devestated the northern part of my lands and are holed up in one of my castles."

"I figured as much." Post slowly nodded, taking in what Null was asking of him.

"Yes, they need to be killed, and you need more men than what you have. Internet War Criminal will be giving you some old comrades from the Legion, those familiar with you. We will continue once they get here, to see if you have any objections to who I decide will go with you."

Just then the door opened and IWC and twenty men and women from the Legion entered.

"Who puked in the hallway?" Bearycool said while stretching in his Legion uniform.

END
I decided to not edit any grammatical errors or punctuating, as that's part of the story's charm, like Tails Gets Trolled.
 
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Kari Kamiya

"I beat her up, so I gave her a cuck-cup."
kiwifarms.net
Lol I got lazy. I'll write a "proper" fic later.

Kiwi SatAM: The Return Of @Darlalloons26
by Kari Kamiya

It was a darj and snowy night. @Puar had been bored, so bored, you wooldn’t bleve it.

He had been there together in the room with @Korin and @Kari Kamiya Normally they could perfectly entertain each other, but not this time. And to make matters worse, it was almost impossible to go to town. It was too snowy, too dark.

“Urgh,” said @Korin, “I wish @Darlalloons26 would attack. At least we’d have something to do.”

@Kari Kamiya agreed, “I agree,” she said and started throwing mobile phone at the wall, just to catch it again when it bounced off. “Uuuurgh,” she then said as well, because she agreed with @Korin, “Don’t you know anything to do, Puar?”
.

Puar’s gaze went down the room, past teddy Bear and a stack of g-strings. Then His eye fell onto a mysterious bulge beneath a blooded cloth.

I know,” said Puar, “How about we play...............spin...the....HEAD OF OUR ENEMIES!”

“What a superb idea”

“Oh year!”

@Kari Kamiya and @Cthulhu also peaked up “Yeaaaah!”

So they all sad down and Puar took the disembodied head first. Hilariously, it landed on Cthulhu, but Puar thought Cthulhu was quite a bit too creepy and really didn't want to kiss the man. He hoped the others might have mistook it for landing on Kari Kamiya, but judging the howls of laughter and the rising anticrepation in the room, they probably didn't.

"But but dont you all see it really landed on Kari Kamiya?"

"Laaawl no, u shuld kiss Cthulhu," said Kari Kamiya. The fact that she said it made Puar feel rejected :(

But then, all the sudden.... Darlalloons26 attacked!

---

Later, once they were alone and away from the others, Puar met with @Puar in a nearby condo

They had been meeting like this awhile now, often in the evenings or at night.

A deep friendship had struck up after their previous adventures, but they kept it hidden as they didn't know what the others would think.

They often did some talking, some browsing KiwiFarms to laugh at cows, maybe a few board games.

They were quite close friends by now.

This particular night they were shearing secrets with eachother. Telling eachother things neither had told anyone else before. Things that not a single soul knew.

"Then there was that time I...Destroyed Kari Kamiyas desk!"

"oh, Puar! thats positively evil! and I should know!"

They both laughed. The night had been full of stories like this. The time Puar blackmailed a furry. Or the time Puar fooled a pedophile horrowcow into thinking it was the end of the world.. Endless stories shared just between them and no one else.

It was making them closer.

Closer then Puar had ever thought possible.

As Puar was telling another story, He thought He saw Puar examining Him. Looking with..was that longing?

nah...couldn't be.

The moment was over and they departed eachothers company.

Puar felt something had changed that night, but wasn't sure what.

---

And they journeyed long and far too reach their destined encounter with fate which was foresaw by a soothsayer with the ability to predict the future that hasn't happened yet!!....

.

"We must journey now to yonder to defeat thee the evil space prime minister of evil and to defeat thee and return spread our magic to this realm of Cyberspace!"

"Yes, Letus the final battle commencement start!"

--

Puar at that moment felt in his pocket. Thats strange there was a note.

It said He should rendezvous at the demolished beach at sunset.

Puar kept this secret as it was clearly just for Him.

---

It must be here somewhere, but I have no idea where it could be", wondered Puar

At that moment, Korin fell down some steps near a tower.

At the bottom was Darlalloons26`s new tower!

As they entered there was lots of Inflationists.

So they swung back their trenchcoats and murdercided them all with their concealed sabres of awesome.

They steped over the dead bodys and made their way forward past the blood and guts they sprayed over the walls just moments before. Kari Kamiya vometted in disgustand blood came out.

"Ok, he is sure to be in the penthouse sweet in his apartment " said Cthulhu pressing the correct elevator button

The elevator went up a few floors. SUDDENLY there was a bang on the roof!

"down!" shouted Kari Kamiya.

And they did. Which is just as well, because seconds later...

The hatch opened and a couple of security gaurds with air pumps pirouetted down.

"oh god! What are we going to do!?" said Korin

"We gota think fast" said Cthulhu.

"Ok"

"I know you dont like violence, Puar, But you have to do this. Do it for me. please.." Said Kari Kamiya

Puar thought about all the people he had murdered recently because of his fate.

"Ok, your right, I know we have to fight them" said Puar who did a massive mighty super kirate kick just as the first soldier landed

but it missed!. Fortunatly Kari Kamiya was there to catch Puar. And did a turbo ninja kick in return which knocked them unconscious.

"Nice work. But its not over yet! Look!"

A massive faggot appeared, but they killed him.

Ding! They had reached their floor.

---

"Why are you looking at me like that? Its almost like your want me badly. Ha Ha!" Puar chuckled.

"You're my one true friend, Puar, probably the best one I've had in a long time. I like talking to you, hanging out with you, and I even love listening to you sing.

...And now that you've pointed it out, I think I might like to hug you a bit"

"You're touching me. That's not considered appropriate behavior," Puar whispered, His bottom lip trembling while His limbs felt frozen.

"Maybe not. But I don't think you're going to stop me." Puar stroked His hand up Puar's hip, and pulled His shirt from his trousers. Puar's eyes fluttered shut when He felt Puar's fingers touch the skin of His lower back. But He forced them open again and stared into Puar's pretty eyes.

"I should stop you." Puar knew He should. This was Puar. Puar! Could He dare wreck their close friendship? And what about their destiny? But that didn't bother Puar nearly as much.

"Stop me," Puar said, and made it sound like a dare.

Puar was all set to give Puar a glare, but it faded away when He got his first real look at Puar.I mean sure, Puar had seen Puar before, but not REALLY seen them. Not with these new eyes which Puar now had. His eyes had been opened.Like He was seeing for the first time.Like the wool was no longer over His eyes.

Puar's manly chest.

His pretty neck.

His uncontrollable eyebrows.

In point of fact, Puars mouth went a little slack and there may have been some drool.

It dripped on Puar.

Puar didn't seem to mind Puars fluids though. Any kinda of fluid dropping on Him was fine it seemed. "ewww" He said but half way it turned to a "owwwwwww".

"owwwwwww"!

It was a "owwwwwww" of pleasure.

It was the first of many sounds to come

They kissed eachother softly. Puar whispering sweat nothings into Puars ear.

After they had finished - exhausted and embarrassed, they decided to go home and tell all their friends

--

"So you have come" said a voice booming from the sky

A huge blue plushie bearcat balloon appeared above them.

@Darlalloons26 laughed at them from it.

"Ha Ha Ha Ha"

"I could inflate you all down from here with my bike pump, but I would rather do this...personal style."

he leaped down and landed at the far side of the rooftop

"Ready?" he said, still laughing.

Puar removed his shirt and flexed his abs.

"Yes. I am ready. I was born ready."

With that they leaped at eachother, metaphorical guns blazzing (which were littoral blasts of hot air).

"I kill you dead"

@Darlalloons26 head butted Puar in the chest

Blood splashed onto the floor.

Puar fell backwards in pain punching a few times before crashing to the ground.

"Ha Ha Ha Ha" laughed @Darlalloons26

"You could never have defeated me, so why did you even try?"

"I had too, for all that is good and just in the world."

"Well now you will die. Goodbye."

@Darlalloons26 leaned over Puar holding a large rock.

"Quick Puar use this!" said Kari Kamiya ,chucking a nearby Gameboy towards Puar.

Puar grabbed it and chucked it towards @Darlalloons26 hard, knocking him backwards....off the edge of the tall warehouse they were on!

"Goodbye, @Darlalloons26 have a nice fall!"

"ARrrrrgggg"

SPLAT!

Some blood sprayed up and splashed on them.

"We are safe now, he fell to certain doom."

Korin and Cthulhu got out from the bush where they were cuddleing. "Thank you, you saved us all"

"Dont mention it."

But then! @Darlalloons26 appeared! He had landed in his blue plushie bearcat balloon that was nearby!

"I will get you next time! I will kill you all!"
 

Syaoran Li

Clown World on PCP
kiwifarms.net
@Kari Kamiya I hate to ask, but could you write one with me in it? I liked your fanfic and thought it was funny, even if it was not a "proper" one.

I'm currently thinking of some ideas for a Kiwi Farms fanfic of my own, hopefully they will be posted soon.
 
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Kari Kamiya

"I beat her up, so I gave her a cuck-cup."
kiwifarms.net
This wasn't what I really had in mind, but...

---

With a hand to his chin, 23-year-old @Syaoran Li admired himself in the mirror. “Damn, I'm good-looking,” he whispered huskily through his blinding smirk. Without looking away, he reached out to grab his favorite bottle of whiskey to slosh around and clean his teeth with.

Unfortunately, he didn't hear his girlfriend, Sakura Kinomoto, walking in after a night of magical girl antics. Sakura wasn't usually one to complain, but she actually wasn't a fan of his choice of drinks. It had something to do with her being “pure-of-heart” or something, but regardless, she didn't like him drinking away when they had Cardcaptor duties to uphold.

But that wasn't a thought that crossed @Syaoran Li's mind often.

“I can't believe you, Li!” she gasped when she passed by the bathroom, staring slack-jawed at him. He glanced at her reflection over his shoulder, though he still kept one eye on himself. “You said you were going to cut down on drinking!”

“I didn't swallow,” he emphasized, gesturing to the remnants in the sink.

As Yue returned home to Tori every night, it was only Kero who had to deal with everything. After having returned to his false form of a winged teddy bear... gerbil-thing, he raised a brow at the both of them. He didn't usually take sides on the issue. “We're not going to talk about his not patrolling?” he pointed out in his Matt Hill impression.

(Someone, somewhere had a conniption fit, as it was prone to happen every time he opened his mouth.)

“And where did you get the whiskey, anyway?” Sakura continued, ignoring her furry companion. “I had The Lock put into place.”

“It's still there.” Syaoran nodded over to the cooler where, sure enough, the little winged padlock was in place. “A friend stopped by for a chat. Well, was supposed to be a chat.”

“What do you mean 'was'?” she pressed, a small, adorable pout on her lips.

“We ended up chilling and watching a movie together. He apparently had drinks already on hand.”

“I was only gone for an hour-and-half!”

“Well...” Syaoran rubbed the back of his neck, unsure how to explain it. “He didn't make it to the end of the film. For some reason, he just... um...” He gestured his pointer finger across his throat.

Sakura was innocent, but she wasn't that innocent. She went pale as her imagination went wild. “H-He what?!”

“I guess suicide really is painless,” was the mutter as he shrugged. “But he does it all the time, so I'm not even fazed by it anymore.”

What are you talking about?!” she and Kero squealed.

“You didn't see his body on the couch?” Walking out of the bathroom, he headed into the front room where the television was still on, the end credits of the film still scrolling. Slumped against the headrest was the man, his front covered in blood that had all-but drained from the slit in his throat.

Sakura was about close to fainting, only standing because Kero was tugging at her shirt collar. “Wh... Wh-What the...?”

Glancing at the clock, Syaoran scratched at his head and looked back at his dead friend. “He should be coming back to life any time now...” He nudged a shoulder. “Hey, @SuicideIsPainless. You up, yet?”

There was no response, just a blank, gaping stare.

The man frowned, only to then notice there was more than a stain on the couch. Pushing the corpse out of the way for a better look, he blinked at the black fedora he knew wasn't there before, with a strange, hastily-made message drying on the cushions below it:





That's a good Shota.
 

Syaoran Li

Clown World on PCP
kiwifarms.net
This wasn't what I really had in mind, but...

---

With a hand to his chin, 23-year-old @Syaoran Li admired himself in the mirror. “Damn, I'm good-looking,” he whispered huskily through his blinding smirk. Without looking away, he reached out to grab his favorite bottle of whiskey to slosh around and clean his teeth with.

Unfortunately, he didn't hear his girlfriend, Sakura Kinomoto, walking in after a night of magical girl antics. Sakura wasn't usually one to complain, but she actually wasn't a fan of his choice of drinks. It had something to do with her being “pure-of-heart” or something, but regardless, she didn't like him drinking away when they had Cardcaptor duties to uphold.

But that wasn't a thought that crossed @Syaoran Li's mind often.

“I can't believe you, Li!” she gasped when she passed by the bathroom, staring slack-jawed at him. He glanced at her reflection over his shoulder, though he still kept one eye on himself. “You said you were going to cut down on drinking!”

“I didn't swallow,” he emphasized, gesturing to the remnants in the sink.

As Yue returned home to Tori every night, it was only Kero who had to deal with everything. After having returned to his false form of a winged teddy bear... gerbil-thing, he raised a brow at the both of them. He didn't usually take sides on the issue. “We're not going to talk about his not patrolling?” he pointed out in his Matt Hill impression.

(Someone, somewhere had a conniption fit, as it was prone to happen every time he opened his mouth.)

“And where did you get the whiskey, anyway?” Sakura continued, ignoring her furry companion. “I had The Lock put into place.”

“It's still there.” Syaoran nodded over to the cooler where, sure enough, the little winged padlock was in place. “A friend stopped by for a chat. Well, was supposed to be a chat.”

“What do you mean 'was'?” she pressed, a small, adorable pout on her lips.

“We ended up chilling and watching a movie together. He apparently had drinks already on hand.”

“I was only gone for an hour-and-half!”

“Well...” Syaoran rubbed the back of his neck, unsure how to explain it. “He didn't make it to the end of the film. For some reason, he just... um...” He gestured his pointer finger across his throat.

Sakura was innocent, but she wasn't that innocent. She went pale as her imagination went wild. “H-He what?!”

“I guess suicide really is painless,” was the mutter as he shrugged. “But he does it all the time, so I'm not even fazed by it anymore.”

What are you talking about?!” she and Kero squealed.

“You didn't see his body on the couch?” Walking out of the bathroom, he headed into the front room where the television was still on, the end credits of the film still scrolling. Slumped against the headrest was the man, his front covered in blood that had all-but drained from the slit in his throat.

Sakura was about close to fainting, only standing because Kero was tugging at her shirt collar. “Wh... Wh-What the...?”

Glancing at the clock, Syaoran scratched at his head and looked back at his dead friend. “He should be coming back to life any time now...” He nudged a shoulder. “Hey, @SuicideIsPainless. You up, yet?”

There was no response, just a blank, gaping stare.

The man frowned, only to then notice there was more than a stain on the couch. Pushing the corpse out of the way for a better look, he blinked at the black fedora he knew wasn't there before, with a strange, hastily-made message drying on the cushions below it:





That's a good Shota.
That was awesome! I love it!
 
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SuicideIsPainless

Worse than you think
kiwifarms.net
This wasn't what I really had in mind, but...

---

With a hand to his chin, 23-year-old @Syaoran Li admired himself in the mirror. “Damn, I'm good-looking,” he whispered huskily through his blinding smirk. Without looking away, he reached out to grab his favorite bottle of whiskey to slosh around and clean his teeth with.

Unfortunately, he didn't hear his girlfriend, Sakura Kinomoto, walking in after a night of magical girl antics. Sakura wasn't usually one to complain, but she actually wasn't a fan of his choice of drinks. It had something to do with her being “pure-of-heart” or something, but regardless, she didn't like him drinking away when they had Cardcaptor duties to uphold.

But that wasn't a thought that crossed @Syaoran Li's mind often.

“I can't believe you, Li!” she gasped when she passed by the bathroom, staring slack-jawed at him. He glanced at her reflection over his shoulder, though he still kept one eye on himself. “You said you were going to cut down on drinking!”

“I didn't swallow,” he emphasized, gesturing to the remnants in the sink.

As Yue returned home to Tori every night, it was only Kero who had to deal with everything. After having returned to his false form of a winged teddy bear... gerbil-thing, he raised a brow at the both of them. He didn't usually take sides on the issue. “We're not going to talk about his not patrolling?” he pointed out in his Matt Hill impression.

(Someone, somewhere had a conniption fit, as it was prone to happen every time he opened his mouth.)

“And where did you get the whiskey, anyway?” Sakura continued, ignoring her furry companion. “I had The Lock put into place.”

“It's still there.” Syaoran nodded over to the cooler where, sure enough, the little winged padlock was in place. “A friend stopped by for a chat. Well, was supposed to be a chat.”

“What do you mean 'was'?” she pressed, a small, adorable pout on her lips.

“We ended up chilling and watching a movie together. He apparently had drinks already on hand.”

“I was only gone for an hour-and-half!”

“Well...” Syaoran rubbed the back of his neck, unsure how to explain it. “He didn't make it to the end of the film. For some reason, he just... um...” He gestured his pointer finger across his throat.

Sakura was innocent, but she wasn't that innocent. She went pale as her imagination went wild. “H-He what?!”

“I guess suicide really is painless,” was the mutter as he shrugged. “But he does it all the time, so I'm not even fazed by it anymore.”

What are you talking about?!” she and Kero squealed.

“You didn't see his body on the couch?” Walking out of the bathroom, he headed into the front room where the television was still on, the end credits of the film still scrolling. Slumped against the headrest was the man, his front covered in blood that had all-but drained from the slit in his throat.

Sakura was about close to fainting, only standing because Kero was tugging at her shirt collar. “Wh... Wh-What the...?”

Glancing at the clock, Syaoran scratched at his head and looked back at his dead friend. “He should be coming back to life any time now...” He nudged a shoulder. “Hey, @SuicideIsPainless. You up, yet?”

There was no response, just a blank, gaping stare.

The man frowned, only to then notice there was more than a stain on the couch. Pushing the corpse out of the way for a better look, he blinked at the black fedora he knew wasn't there before, with a strange, hastily-made message drying on the cushions below it:





That's a good Shota.
Not the first time I've had fan fiction written about me, but definitely the best. That was beautiful:'(
 

FemalePresident

In office.
kiwifarms.net
lol this fanfic generator is awesome

KiwiFarms: The Return Of @Mikemikev
by FemalePresident

Authors Note;

I am writing this novel because I am a fan of KiwiFarms. However its become clear to me that the creators of it have got some things wrong and clearly don't care about making it good. I am talking mostly of "the problem" with @Mikemikev and @Tempest.
This fic is my attempt to correct that.
By supporting this fic I hope to get a group of elite KiwiFarms writers working with this new canon and to establish this as the truth of what actually happened. Hopefully the original creators will see the demand and make this official.
If you wish to join my new canon, feel free to write your own story but you must submit it to me for approval. You can use my email ;
theRealKiwiFarmswriter@gattormail.com
You can also send constructive reviews there, but no petty criticisms. If I get motivations muddled,its because my cat distracted me.
Also, if you don't like my story you don't have to have read it.

Anyway, and now on with the real story of how things actually happened;
Everyone who looked could see there was a undeniably, ravenous animal attraction between @Gym Leader Elesa and @Ntwadumela.
No one could deny it.
No one except @Ntwadumela and @Gym Leader Elesa, that is.

They seemed blissfully unaware of their attraction to each-other. Unaware of their boundless uncontrollable lust.
Every time they met they didn't show it, but everyone knew. Everyone knew what was really going on between them.
A war of naughty thoughts.

And everyone knew that it was a unsuitable situation. No one wanted to be dragged into that war.
Something had to be done.
This is the definitive story of our hero and how they found the creepy Autistic Stone.

In the middle of all this, finally, @Tempest could stand it no longer.
He found @Gym Leader Elesa, and pulled them to one side

"Thats it! its ruining the team. Its clear you cant function while @Ntwadumela is around!"
"What no! I am fine."
"No. Its very clear. You need to have some 'special adult time' with them"
Everyone else in the room nodded at this.
"But having some 'special adult time' with @Ntwadumela...isn't that..umm...wrong?"
"Oh, sure, its wrong. Very very wrong.
But just because somethings wrong doesn't mean it shouldn't happen does it?"
"No, I suppose not"
@Gym Leader Elesa wondered off thinking of the 'special adult times'....how will she introduce the idea to @Ntwadumela? and would they accept it?


Hi.
My name is Angelique and this is my story.

A year ago got a job working for Green Lantern Corps. I am just a intern, but already I am fitting in like "one of the boys" (I am a girl though!)
In fact my boss, Steve, has taken a real shine to me and has said he will let me play around with one of Green Lantern Corpss big things.

I cant wait!

Despite working at Green Lantern Corps, I am also friends with @Tempest and most of his entendrege. I know @Tempest and @Gym Leader Elesa and @DrainRedRain and @FataBataRang and @Ntwadumela. I met them all awhile ago in my backstory and these days I had known them awhile.
I call on them for help quite often.
By co-incidence, this was one of those times!

"Hay Angelique we need the help of you and the Green Lantern Corps again"
"Sure thing @Tempest my man you know you can count on the Green Lantern Corps!"

After that I put down the phone and started telling everyone else whats up.
"Ok, gang" I said to the rest of Green Lantern Corps.
"@Tempest has asked for our help. It seems MPAA is upto their old tricks, and we are the best people to take them down!"
"They are after the Autistic Stone, but we have to get there first else we are all doomed to a hellish futurpoclypse!"

"What do we do?" said Green Lantern Corps
"That's easy. We do what the Green Lantern Corps always does - fight evil"


When it came to assemble the team tomorrow I knew just who to pick.
"@Tempest"! I said.
(@Tempest had started working here recently, as he had a change of heart recently and decided it was their true calling)
"Hay, Angelique" said @Tempest
"Thanks for picking me!"
"No problem" I replied. @Tempest was the obvious choice for this job
I then told the team to assemble in the planning room so we could plan the mission.

We were in the main planning room, there was a huge whiteboard, a projector, a screen, holograms and a blackboard.

This was the room where Green Lantern Corps planned stuff.
Much of the good work we did started here.
Like the time we defeated @Mikemikev and converted him to good and made him work for us.
Or the time we saved the world from that rogue planet.
Or the time we saved Christmas.

I got out my pen and paper and started discussing the plan.

"I have been doing research and stuff in our database library. The Autistic Stone is hidden inside Kolkata"
"Ahh...it makes so much sense! Why didn't we think of it before!" said @Tempest
"The clues where written in a ancient language"
"oh, right, of course"
"Now what?" said @Gym Leader Elesa
"Now we leave for Kolkata!"

With that we all got onto the Green Lantern Corps Scooter and flue to the distant city of Kolkata!

@Gym Leader Elesa finally found a moment to pull @Ntwadumela away from the others, to have a private moment.
"@Gym Leader Elesa we have to do it"
"I know, my team told me as well. Apparently our feelings are causing problems for everyone else."
"So we are agreed? We finally let our feelings out of their cages of repression they have been caged in all this time?"
"Yes. For the team"
"No...for us"
@Gym Leader Elesa leapt on @Ntwadumela at that moment.and......''special adult times'' happened. A lot. At least 12 times.


Nearby the others occasionally heard screams. But politely ignored it.
This had been coming far too long to ruin it now - and this team bonding was very much needed.
Once we got there we found our worst fears had already come to pass;
MPAA was already there. MPAA petrol's were all over the city, searching in every hut and hanger.

"They are looking for the Autistic Stone!" said Steve.
"We have to beat them too it!"

We began sneakily and stealthy running around the city. Unlike MPAA, we had more information about where to look.

After a period of time looking, and with Tempests help we found it before them.

"There is it is! At least!" I said, pointing to the Autistic Stone hidden by a weird condo.
"So it is" said Steve, suddenly grinning.
"I guess then this charade is over!"

Steve pulled of his mask and suddenly his face was Mikemikevs!
I stood gobsmacked in the face.

"Yes, that's right Angelique & @Tempest, it was me all along I, @Mikemikev was Steve the whole time!"

"I don't understand" said @Tempest. "Why?"

"That's easy. I knew I could never find the Autistic Stone without your help, and I knew you would never help me. So I became CEO of Green Lantern Corps, and employed Angelique. After that it was simply a mater of earning your respect, creating a threat and waiting for you to call @Tempest"

"creating a threat? You mean MPAA? "

"Yes, that's right! MPAA is just a bunch of actors I hired. It was all a elaborate set up to make you lead me to the Autistic Stone"

"gosh, how could we have been so foolish" said @Tempest.

I was frozen still. My life had been a lie. I had believed in the Green Lantern Corps. Believed in what it stood for. Believed in the good work we had did. But it was a lie. It was all a front. It was all @Mikemikev all along.
I pressed though the pain though. Maybe Green Lantern Corps was a lie, but that didn't mean what its cause was meaningless. It didn't mean I had to surrender, to give up..

"No. I fight for Green Lantern Corps and I will never give up. Regardless of you.."Steve" " (I said that last part sarcastically).
"That's right" said @Tempest. "You might have fooled us. Made our lives a lie and stood in front of our nose the whole time, but you can never take away our spirit"
"you foolish fools. You are already defeated" said @Mikemikev
"I had a whole army at my command!"

Just then we were surrounded.
We were about to give up again when I remembered something.

"You can't fool us again @Mikemikev! These people are just actors!"
With that me and @Tempest started punching and kicking them, using our Magic when needed.
As they were actors they were easy to take out, leaving just @Mikemikev.
"Nooooo...my fake army...."

"And now its time for you!"

In perfect syncro-heroism me and @Tempest leapt at "steve", pulling of a massive Magic karate-chop combo.

"Arg..." said @Mikemikev as he ran towards the Autistic Stone.

But we did it again and again till he fell unconscious. He was just a few meters from the Autistic Stone,it had been a close call.

"We won...but now what?" said @Tempest.

I looked around at our devastated lives.

"Only one choice. We rebuild Green Lantern Corps and repair the years of damage it was secretly doing to this world"

The....Beginning?

It seems Angelique is my OC/Mary Sue lol! :story:
 
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