Write a fanfiction about your favorite kiwis -

vertexwindi

Ay yo this beat is bananas
Supervisor
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Here, I wrote some fanfic about @Jacob Harrison.

The taste of iron is in the air and the sound of static is everywhere around me, and yet I feel so... calm. But why wouldn't I? Everything is fine. We're right where we need to be. I guide my hand through your lovely dark curls, tainted with rust, and bring them to my nose. They smell of strawberries, of beautiful flowers, of everything that is right and beautiful. You're perfect. This moment is perfect.

Look at you, staring at me with those good old eyes of yours. I'm going to need a map before I lose myself in them, haha! Those big, beautiful eyes that always magnetically drew me to you, striking and curious and impossibly round. I used to feel so nervous whenever you watched me from afar - you have an awfully piercing gaze - but it didn't take long before I finally realized what hid behind them. You're so enigmatic, almost frustratingly so at times, but I suppose that's what I liked about you. I always enjoyed a good puzzle.

But after all that trouble, now that I'm staring at them from here, something feels different. A certain je ne sais quoi. In the end, eyes just don't look the same from the grasp of your hand. I suppose I'm just a romantic at heart. Oh well, at least you finally stopped screaming, hahaha. Who knew that such a petite lady as yourself could make such awful noise? I don't even want to imagine what it would've been like on our honeymoon! Now that would've been embarrassing.

Well, I guess it's my turn now. Don't have too much fun without me up there!
 

Jacob Harrison

The person who discovered England's true monarch
kiwifarms.net
Women can scream about plenty of things. One time I was tickling my best friend and she screamed so loud you would've thought I was killing her! Hahaha, women, am I right?
So what was the woman in the story screaming about?
 

Syaoran Li

Slum Lord of Pallet Town
kiwifarms.net
I don't know if I should write this as a fan fic starring my fellow Kiwis since the idea is pretty autistic as fuck, but here's my idea...

My idea is a parody of Critical Role where a group of Kiwis are playing a tabletop role-playing game set in a homebrew setting and Ghost from True Capitalist Radio is the Game Master.

It would be a story within a story, with chapters for both in-character and out-of-character events.

As for which Kiwis to include, I'm not sure. I'm aiming for a group of five Kiwis to feature as characters in this trainwreck of a story.

Any volunteers?
 

Chocolate Guy

kiwifarms.net
One for @Vorhtbame
One day Vorhtbame was babysitting her grandson. As she was on her computer the child woke up from his nap, walked up to her and said "Grandma, whatcha doing?"
Vorthbame replied to the inquisitive youngster "I'm on Kiwi Farms."
The little boy in awe of what his grandmother was doing eagerly asked "Can I go on Kiwi Farms too?"
Vorhtbame granted the child's request and sat the him down on her lap to begin his first foray onto the Farms.
She then went into Movie Bob's thread and explained to the child "This is a lolcow. They are people who post dumb things to the internet for all the world to see and then wonder why the world makes fun of them for posting dumb things on the internet."
The young boy, noting Blobb's thread length and obesity, asked his grandmother "Is this man a big lolcow?"
The grandmother exclaimed "One of the biggest on the sight!"

After learning how Bob sabotaged his own employment, makes terrible YouTube vidoes, and frequently makes statements advocating for eugenics, the boy looked to his Grandma and said "This guy is a big idiot. How can someone keep on doing these things that make people make fun of him for all the time?"
Vorhtbame deftly replied "Because that is what lolcows do. Whether they are just dumb people, ego-maniacs, or truly evil they cannot help themselves in just doing things that make them a source for ridicule. It also helps that they do all of this online so anyone can see and archive it."
The boy nodded in agreement and asked "How do I not be a lolcow Grandma? I don't want to be like Robert Chipman."
Vorhtbame smiled reassuringly and said "As long as you don't live your life 24/7 on the internet, get out of your house, and be a decent person you'll never be anything close to a lolcow honey."
He asked "You think so?"
She replied "I know so."

A few minutes later Vorhtbame's daughter came home to relieve her mother of her babysitting duties.
The young woman said "Thanks again for watching him Mom. Work has been really busy lately and you babysitting is a massive help."
Vorhtbame replied reassuringly "Oh it was nothing dear. In fact your son and I had a pretty great day together."
The boy ran up to his mother and said "Grandma is really cool! Can she watch me again please!?"
The mother slightly taken aback by the boy's enthusasim said "Sure! You two seem to enjoy each other's company a lot."
Vorhtbame said "I guess I'll be here same time tomorrow then?"
Her daughter replied "Yes and thanks again for watching him."
As Vorhtbame was leaving, she hugged her grandson and gave him a kiss.
The boy whispered to his grandmother "Grandma you're really awesome, can you show me more threads on Kiwi Farms tomorrow?"
Vorhtbame responded "And the day after that, and the day after that."

As she walked out the door and to her car Vorhtbame felt proud. Not only had she imparted sage advice to the growing boy, she also was molding him into a a true-blue Kiwi. "And the best part" she thought to her self "is I get to do all of this again tomorrow."
 
  • Feels
Reactions: Vorhtbame
Tags
None

About Us

The Kiwi Farms is about eccentric individuals and communities on the Internet. We call them lolcows because they can be milked for amusement or laughs. Our community is bizarrely diverse and spectators are encouraged to join the discussion.

We do not place intrusive ads, host malware, sell data, or run crypto miners with your browser. If you experience these things, you have a virus. If your malware system says otherwise, it is faulty.

Supporting the Forum

How to Help

The Kiwi Farms is constantly attacked by insane people and very expensive to run. It would not be here without community support.

We are on the Brave BAT program. Consider using Brave as your Browser. It's like Chrome but doesn't tell Google what you masturbate to.

BTC: 1EiZnCKCb6Dc4biuto2gJyivwgPRM2YMEQ
BTC+SW: bc1qwv5fzv9u6arksw6ytf79gfvce078vprtc0m55s
ETH: 0xc1071c60ae27c8cc3c834e11289205f8f9c78ca5
LTC: LcDkAj4XxtoPWP5ucw75JadMcDfurwupet
BAT: 0xc1071c60Ae27C8CC3c834E11289205f8F9C78CA5
XMR: 438fUMciiahbYemDyww6afT1atgqK3tSTX25SEmYknpmenTR6wvXDMeco1ThX2E8gBQgm9eKd1KAtEQvKzNMFrmjJJpiino