The natural habitat of the fedora has been long established as the basement of its wearer’s parents, leaving it in no way prepared for the harsh conditions of the average spring day. Sir Bippo stroked his trusty hat reassuringly and whispered words of comfort under his breath. Venturing this far from home required a very special sort of occasion: a dire need for something on the offline at the same time as his bitch mom being too busy yelling at the TV and playing Bejeweled to go get it for him. Due to some mysterious planetary alignment or maybe a 24 hour Matlock marathon, today was one of those days.
Sir Bippo turned to face his companion and then set out to begin his perilous quest. “Onward squire Tootsie, we must make haste. The fate of the kingdom depends on us.” Bippo squinted to protect his delicate eyes from the natural sunlight as he passed through the screen door into his front yard.
Squire Tootsie sighed and followed behind his fearless leader. “You’re going to do this the whole fucking time aren’t you?”
“Must you even ask? Expressing one’s spirit of adventure is the first step to greatness my dear Tootsie. You have much to learn, but perhaps one day you could end up like me.” Sir Bippo unzipped his katana and struck a pose on the side of the road. His rolls of fat bounced around beneath his trench coat, knocking Cheeto dust into the air with every undulation until eventually coming to rest. His walrus-like physique was a marvelous sight to behold.
“Just like you huh?” Tootsie shuddered and wondered what he had done to deserve this fate. “Sounds great.”
If only Lester didn’t have a weird photosensitive skin condition he could have gone instead. Or maybe if they could trust Paolo to do anything other than jerk off, smoke weed, and buy scratch tickets it could have been his job. Unfortunately, Tootsie’s skin didn’t spontaneously burst into flames when exposed to light and his self-restraint was above chimp levels. This never would have happened with a white man in office, thanks Obama.
Since all of his other friends were garbage, it was up to Tootsie to accompany Greg on his quest. Greg, or Sir Bippo as he preferred to be called, was a crazy piece of shit that couldn’t tell his ass from his butt, let alone fantasy from reality. In hindsight, that should have been a pretty clear indication that playing D&D with him was going to be a bad idea. Too late now though.
-
Travelling with Sir Bippo wasn’t as bad as Tootsie expected, he was too busy making the sound of hooves hitting the ground with his mouth to bother saying anything. It could very easily be much worse, even if he insisted on taking a break every hundred or so feet to give his noble steed, (which was in all likelihood just what he called his junk) a much deserved rest from all the galloping.
Sir Bippo came to a sudden stop and performed the near-impossible feat of tripping on nothing. The seemingly negligible amount of momentum from his stride somehow still managed to knock him off balance and onto his heaving bosoms. “Tootsie! Adjust your bifocals of true vision, a unicorn lies waiting in yonder enchanted forest! Verily!”
The noble creature grazed majestically in the enchanted forest, Sir Bippo was left breathless by its beauty and from having walked for almost 15 minutes. Tootsie was not quite as impressed. “You mean Howard’s cow’s eating grass on his lawn? Cows do that dude.”
“Your eyes deceive you Tootsie, you must not be pure of heart.” Sir Bippo stood to his feet and waddled toward the mythical creature. “Sir &/or madam, I require assistance of a magical sort, will you aid us on our quest?”
“Moo.” The unicorn replied while continuing to graze.
“Don’t be stingy, a single sliver of your mighty horn would be more than enough!” Sir Bippo gently stroked the unicorn’s horn.
The unicorn walked a few feet away and continued to graze, rudely ignoring Sir Bippo’s plight. “You shall now pay the price for your lack of cooperation!” He reached for his katana and after a few tugs he even managed to remove it from its sheath.
Since Howard was unlikely to appreciate having his cow being attacked, Tootsie decided to intervene. With a firm, defiant slap across Sir Bippo’s face Tootsie spared his bovine buddy from the BudK blade. “Stop fucking around with the goddamn cow.”
Sir Bippo glared at Tootsie, the handprint in his facial grease slowly vanished as his protective lipid coating restored itself. “They refuse to give me a mere sliver of their horn! How do you expect to treat the king’s illness without freshly ground unicorn horn?”
As much as Tootsie wanted to tell Sir Bippo that there was no king, unicorns didn’t exist, and that his name was Paul he had a feeling Bippo wouldn’t believe him. “Sir, unicorns only assist fair maidens. Despite your bountiful titties I’m afraid you don’t qualify.”
With renewed resolve Sir Bippo sheathed his katana and left the unicorn behind him. “Feminism has outwitted me this time but we will triumph yet. Mark my words unicorn, we shall return with a maiden in tow and jolly cooperation will be had by all!”
“Moo.” Sir Bippo fumed at the unicorn’s sarcastic response and dragged Tootsie back to the road. “You’d think a mythical creature would be more polite.”
-
After Sir Bippo calmed down and looked less like a walking cherry with autism he mused over the ideal traits to find in a fair maiden. “Tootsie, my young squire, what do you know about the womenfolk?”
Tootsie admittedly knew very little about women, especially relationships with them. The closest he ever came to getting pussy was the time he considered picking up Lester’s cat before remembering he was allergic. “Nothing at all sir, what can you teach me on the matter?”
Sir Bippo was delighted to be given such a wonderful opportunity to enlighten a fresh young mind with his wisdom and experience. “When I met the love of my life I looked for only two traits. The first was a hole, and the second was being the third season’s incarnation of Applejack. Would you like to meet her?”
“Nope, that is not something I’d like to see at all.” Tootsie shook his head and closed his eyes as Sir Bippo reached into the front of his pants.
“Love is a beautiful thing that must be shared with the world Tootsie, if you turn a blind eye to love you lose sight of all that is good and pure.” Tootsie’s eyes opened to the sight of Sir Bippo flailing about with a plush pony in his hand. Good and pure was not what came to mind when he noticed the crust that built up around its backside.
“Do you just keep that in your pants at all times? That’s really fucking gross dude.” Tootsie was torn between disgust at the state of the doll and relief that no human being would ever experience such a fate at Sir Bippo’s hand.
Sir Bippo sighed, his squire was shaping up to be hopeless. “You’ll understand these things when you’re older. Perhaps you’re a late bloomer.”
“I don’t think my love for pony dolls is ever going to bloom, dude.” If it ever did, Tootsie would welcome a swift death.
“Then you simply have no taste, I bet you fancy human women like a common Chad. Have you not learned why that is such a flawed way of thinking yet?” Sir Bippo laughed and decided to take a detour to the nearest house. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
He knocked on the door and readied his fedora for action. The very moment a middle-aged woman opened the door, Sir Bippo tipped his hat and nervously shouted “M’lady!”
“Hello boys what can I-“The woman began to ask before Sir Bippo interrupted.
“Do angels have names?” Sir Bippo trembled violently, releasing copious amounts of sweat from every pore.
“What?” The woman turned to Tootsie who offered only a shrug in response.
“Did you know your eyebrows are weird but I still think you’re kinda hot?” If Sir Bippo knew anything about women, it was that negging was the quickest way to their heart aside from surgical incision.
“Thank you?” She started to close the door, signalling to Sir Bippo that it was time for a more direct approach.
Sir Bippo leapt through the doorway and tackled the woman to the ground. “Would you like to do the sex together as loving partners?” The nervous knight flopped around on the floor while the woman he had met less than a minute ago stood back up.
Anticipating her answer Sir Bippo pawed at his katana, as the old saying went they can’t say no when they’re dead. Before she had an opportunity so say no Sir Bippo began stabbing and slashing at her repeatedly.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” Tootsie tried to pull Sir Bippo away but it was too late. People generally required heads to be attached for living purposes. “What the hell was that?”
Sir Bippo returned his blade to its cozy little sheath and retrieved the pony plush from his trousers. “She was a witch Tootsie, I had no choice.” He gently stroked his plush pal for comfort, adding a new sort of crusty layer in the process.
Tootsie backed away from his surprisingly dangerous friend. “She was just a regular person, you didn’t have to stab her.”
“She was a witch. If I hadn’t acted she would have damned me for eternity in the friendzone, all with a single word.” Sir Bippo clutched his plush tightly against his face. “You would never cast me into the friendzone now would you season three Applejack? Of course you wouldn’t, you’re honest and trustworthy and would never attempt to deceive me.”
Tootsie made a mental note to never practice witchcraft in Sir Bippo’s presence. “I’m going to stay here and uh, make sure the witch doesn’t rise from the dead for revenge. You must carry out the quest on your own.”
Sir Bippo nodded in agreement. “It is unfortunate that we must part ways, but it is the safest option. I wish you the best of luck Tootsie.” He tipped his fedora and departed.
Tootsie immediately called 911.
-
“Full speed ahead Applejack. Without Tootsie to slow us down we’ll make it even quicker than I had planned.” The noble knight spurred his mount into action.
“As you wish Sir Bippo.” Applejack galloped as quickly as she could. “You’re also very handsome and don’t need to lose weight at all, no matter what your bitch mom says. What does she know anyway? She thinks mayonnaise is a vegetable and that Jesus is real.”
At this rate it would only be a matter of minutes before reaching the dragon’s lair. Legends told that the elixir Sir Bippo sought was within his treasure hoard. Since that unicorn refused to help, the king’s fate could very well rest on those legends. “Are you nervous? Dragons are formidable creatures.”
“My confidence is rock hard and immeasurably large, much like your dong which incidentally doesn’t look one bit like a lamprey no matter what Kevin told everyone in gym class that one time.” Applejack always knew just what to say to comfort Sir Bippo.
“Oh my love, you flatter me so. Perhaps when this is all over you can try to measure exactly how large it is using the orifice of your choice. ” Sir Bippo chuckled to himself. “That was a joke, the burden of choice is too much for a woman to handle. I of course will be choosing the orifice and it will be your butthole.”
“That certainly sounds like a wonderful experience, I will enjoy all thirty seconds of the pleasure it is sure to bring me.” Applejack continued on toward the dragon’s lair while Sir Bippo felt up her more delicate areas in anticipation of his sweet reward.
They reached outside the dragon’s lair a few minutes later, Sir Bippo dismounted his trusty steed and drew his blade. “It is far too dangerous in there for a delicate creature such as yourself.” Sir Bippo gave her a parting kiss and entered the cavern.
It was everything Sir Bippo had expected, treasure stacked as far as he could see and plenty of captives at the dragon’s mercy. The dragon roared aloud, words in some ancient tongue that was lost to the ages. “In the name of the king, I will vanquish thee!” Sir Bippo shouted and charged the beast with his blade raised high above his head.
The dragon roared once more, this time accompanied by a fiery breath that engulfed the brave knight. If only he hadn’t left his magical shield with Tootsie he might have survived. With his last breath he called out to Applejack for assistance, but she did not answer his call.
-
Having settled all that business with the police, Paul stepped into Carl’s convenience store to finally accomplish what he had set out to do today. “Hey Carl, how’s it going?”
Carl laughed as he adjusted his fedora. “Today crazy guy comes in and gives me new hat, you like?” His accent, much like his chest hair, was incredibly thick and of seemingly extraterrestrial origin.
“You look positively euphoric today.” Paul brought a case of Mountain Dew up to the counter and took out his wallet. “Why’d they give you a hat?”
“There is saying in my family that you do not fucking around with Carl or you will rest in shallow grave with no hat.” Carl merrily skipped over to a nearby deep freezer and gestured for Paul to follow. “I hide body under Spongebob Popsicles from year 2005.”
Paul pushed some Popsicles aside to reveal Greg’s hatless and lifeless body along with his equally hatless and lifeless plush pony pal. “Oh fuck.”
“Stupid man forget that bullet better than sword. Now his belly has six bullet and my head has one hat. Even trade to me.” Carl buried the body in Spongebob Popsicles once more, it would never see the light of day again.
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Sir Bippo turned to face his companion and then set out to begin his perilous quest. “Onward squire Tootsie, we must make haste. The fate of the kingdom depends on us.” Bippo squinted to protect his delicate eyes from the natural sunlight as he passed through the screen door into his front yard.
Squire Tootsie sighed and followed behind his fearless leader. “You’re going to do this the whole fucking time aren’t you?”
“Must you even ask? Expressing one’s spirit of adventure is the first step to greatness my dear Tootsie. You have much to learn, but perhaps one day you could end up like me.” Sir Bippo unzipped his katana and struck a pose on the side of the road. His rolls of fat bounced around beneath his trench coat, knocking Cheeto dust into the air with every undulation until eventually coming to rest. His walrus-like physique was a marvelous sight to behold.
“Just like you huh?” Tootsie shuddered and wondered what he had done to deserve this fate. “Sounds great.”
If only Lester didn’t have a weird photosensitive skin condition he could have gone instead. Or maybe if they could trust Paolo to do anything other than jerk off, smoke weed, and buy scratch tickets it could have been his job. Unfortunately, Tootsie’s skin didn’t spontaneously burst into flames when exposed to light and his self-restraint was above chimp levels. This never would have happened with a white man in office, thanks Obama.
Since all of his other friends were garbage, it was up to Tootsie to accompany Greg on his quest. Greg, or Sir Bippo as he preferred to be called, was a crazy piece of shit that couldn’t tell his ass from his butt, let alone fantasy from reality. In hindsight, that should have been a pretty clear indication that playing D&D with him was going to be a bad idea. Too late now though.
-
Travelling with Sir Bippo wasn’t as bad as Tootsie expected, he was too busy making the sound of hooves hitting the ground with his mouth to bother saying anything. It could very easily be much worse, even if he insisted on taking a break every hundred or so feet to give his noble steed, (which was in all likelihood just what he called his junk) a much deserved rest from all the galloping.
Sir Bippo came to a sudden stop and performed the near-impossible feat of tripping on nothing. The seemingly negligible amount of momentum from his stride somehow still managed to knock him off balance and onto his heaving bosoms. “Tootsie! Adjust your bifocals of true vision, a unicorn lies waiting in yonder enchanted forest! Verily!”
The noble creature grazed majestically in the enchanted forest, Sir Bippo was left breathless by its beauty and from having walked for almost 15 minutes. Tootsie was not quite as impressed. “You mean Howard’s cow’s eating grass on his lawn? Cows do that dude.”
“Your eyes deceive you Tootsie, you must not be pure of heart.” Sir Bippo stood to his feet and waddled toward the mythical creature. “Sir &/or madam, I require assistance of a magical sort, will you aid us on our quest?”
“Moo.” The unicorn replied while continuing to graze.
“Don’t be stingy, a single sliver of your mighty horn would be more than enough!” Sir Bippo gently stroked the unicorn’s horn.
The unicorn walked a few feet away and continued to graze, rudely ignoring Sir Bippo’s plight. “You shall now pay the price for your lack of cooperation!” He reached for his katana and after a few tugs he even managed to remove it from its sheath.
Since Howard was unlikely to appreciate having his cow being attacked, Tootsie decided to intervene. With a firm, defiant slap across Sir Bippo’s face Tootsie spared his bovine buddy from the BudK blade. “Stop fucking around with the goddamn cow.”
Sir Bippo glared at Tootsie, the handprint in his facial grease slowly vanished as his protective lipid coating restored itself. “They refuse to give me a mere sliver of their horn! How do you expect to treat the king’s illness without freshly ground unicorn horn?”
As much as Tootsie wanted to tell Sir Bippo that there was no king, unicorns didn’t exist, and that his name was Paul he had a feeling Bippo wouldn’t believe him. “Sir, unicorns only assist fair maidens. Despite your bountiful titties I’m afraid you don’t qualify.”
With renewed resolve Sir Bippo sheathed his katana and left the unicorn behind him. “Feminism has outwitted me this time but we will triumph yet. Mark my words unicorn, we shall return with a maiden in tow and jolly cooperation will be had by all!”
“Moo.” Sir Bippo fumed at the unicorn’s sarcastic response and dragged Tootsie back to the road. “You’d think a mythical creature would be more polite.”
-
After Sir Bippo calmed down and looked less like a walking cherry with autism he mused over the ideal traits to find in a fair maiden. “Tootsie, my young squire, what do you know about the womenfolk?”
Tootsie admittedly knew very little about women, especially relationships with them. The closest he ever came to getting pussy was the time he considered picking up Lester’s cat before remembering he was allergic. “Nothing at all sir, what can you teach me on the matter?”
Sir Bippo was delighted to be given such a wonderful opportunity to enlighten a fresh young mind with his wisdom and experience. “When I met the love of my life I looked for only two traits. The first was a hole, and the second was being the third season’s incarnation of Applejack. Would you like to meet her?”
“Nope, that is not something I’d like to see at all.” Tootsie shook his head and closed his eyes as Sir Bippo reached into the front of his pants.
“Love is a beautiful thing that must be shared with the world Tootsie, if you turn a blind eye to love you lose sight of all that is good and pure.” Tootsie’s eyes opened to the sight of Sir Bippo flailing about with a plush pony in his hand. Good and pure was not what came to mind when he noticed the crust that built up around its backside.
“Do you just keep that in your pants at all times? That’s really fucking gross dude.” Tootsie was torn between disgust at the state of the doll and relief that no human being would ever experience such a fate at Sir Bippo’s hand.
Sir Bippo sighed, his squire was shaping up to be hopeless. “You’ll understand these things when you’re older. Perhaps you’re a late bloomer.”
“I don’t think my love for pony dolls is ever going to bloom, dude.” If it ever did, Tootsie would welcome a swift death.
“Then you simply have no taste, I bet you fancy human women like a common Chad. Have you not learned why that is such a flawed way of thinking yet?” Sir Bippo laughed and decided to take a detour to the nearest house. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
He knocked on the door and readied his fedora for action. The very moment a middle-aged woman opened the door, Sir Bippo tipped his hat and nervously shouted “M’lady!”
“Hello boys what can I-“The woman began to ask before Sir Bippo interrupted.
“Do angels have names?” Sir Bippo trembled violently, releasing copious amounts of sweat from every pore.
“What?” The woman turned to Tootsie who offered only a shrug in response.
“Did you know your eyebrows are weird but I still think you’re kinda hot?” If Sir Bippo knew anything about women, it was that negging was the quickest way to their heart aside from surgical incision.
“Thank you?” She started to close the door, signalling to Sir Bippo that it was time for a more direct approach.
Sir Bippo leapt through the doorway and tackled the woman to the ground. “Would you like to do the sex together as loving partners?” The nervous knight flopped around on the floor while the woman he had met less than a minute ago stood back up.
Anticipating her answer Sir Bippo pawed at his katana, as the old saying went they can’t say no when they’re dead. Before she had an opportunity so say no Sir Bippo began stabbing and slashing at her repeatedly.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” Tootsie tried to pull Sir Bippo away but it was too late. People generally required heads to be attached for living purposes. “What the hell was that?”
Sir Bippo returned his blade to its cozy little sheath and retrieved the pony plush from his trousers. “She was a witch Tootsie, I had no choice.” He gently stroked his plush pal for comfort, adding a new sort of crusty layer in the process.
Tootsie backed away from his surprisingly dangerous friend. “She was just a regular person, you didn’t have to stab her.”
“She was a witch. If I hadn’t acted she would have damned me for eternity in the friendzone, all with a single word.” Sir Bippo clutched his plush tightly against his face. “You would never cast me into the friendzone now would you season three Applejack? Of course you wouldn’t, you’re honest and trustworthy and would never attempt to deceive me.”
Tootsie made a mental note to never practice witchcraft in Sir Bippo’s presence. “I’m going to stay here and uh, make sure the witch doesn’t rise from the dead for revenge. You must carry out the quest on your own.”
Sir Bippo nodded in agreement. “It is unfortunate that we must part ways, but it is the safest option. I wish you the best of luck Tootsie.” He tipped his fedora and departed.
Tootsie immediately called 911.
-
“Full speed ahead Applejack. Without Tootsie to slow us down we’ll make it even quicker than I had planned.” The noble knight spurred his mount into action.
“As you wish Sir Bippo.” Applejack galloped as quickly as she could. “You’re also very handsome and don’t need to lose weight at all, no matter what your bitch mom says. What does she know anyway? She thinks mayonnaise is a vegetable and that Jesus is real.”
At this rate it would only be a matter of minutes before reaching the dragon’s lair. Legends told that the elixir Sir Bippo sought was within his treasure hoard. Since that unicorn refused to help, the king’s fate could very well rest on those legends. “Are you nervous? Dragons are formidable creatures.”
“My confidence is rock hard and immeasurably large, much like your dong which incidentally doesn’t look one bit like a lamprey no matter what Kevin told everyone in gym class that one time.” Applejack always knew just what to say to comfort Sir Bippo.
“Oh my love, you flatter me so. Perhaps when this is all over you can try to measure exactly how large it is using the orifice of your choice. ” Sir Bippo chuckled to himself. “That was a joke, the burden of choice is too much for a woman to handle. I of course will be choosing the orifice and it will be your butthole.”
“That certainly sounds like a wonderful experience, I will enjoy all thirty seconds of the pleasure it is sure to bring me.” Applejack continued on toward the dragon’s lair while Sir Bippo felt up her more delicate areas in anticipation of his sweet reward.
They reached outside the dragon’s lair a few minutes later, Sir Bippo dismounted his trusty steed and drew his blade. “It is far too dangerous in there for a delicate creature such as yourself.” Sir Bippo gave her a parting kiss and entered the cavern.
It was everything Sir Bippo had expected, treasure stacked as far as he could see and plenty of captives at the dragon’s mercy. The dragon roared aloud, words in some ancient tongue that was lost to the ages. “In the name of the king, I will vanquish thee!” Sir Bippo shouted and charged the beast with his blade raised high above his head.
The dragon roared once more, this time accompanied by a fiery breath that engulfed the brave knight. If only he hadn’t left his magical shield with Tootsie he might have survived. With his last breath he called out to Applejack for assistance, but she did not answer his call.
-
Having settled all that business with the police, Paul stepped into Carl’s convenience store to finally accomplish what he had set out to do today. “Hey Carl, how’s it going?”
Carl laughed as he adjusted his fedora. “Today crazy guy comes in and gives me new hat, you like?” His accent, much like his chest hair, was incredibly thick and of seemingly extraterrestrial origin.
“You look positively euphoric today.” Paul brought a case of Mountain Dew up to the counter and took out his wallet. “Why’d they give you a hat?”
“There is saying in my family that you do not fucking around with Carl or you will rest in shallow grave with no hat.” Carl merrily skipped over to a nearby deep freezer and gestured for Paul to follow. “I hide body under Spongebob Popsicles from year 2005.”
Paul pushed some Popsicles aside to reveal Greg’s hatless and lifeless body along with his equally hatless and lifeless plush pony pal. “Oh fuck.”
“Stupid man forget that bullet better than sword. Now his belly has six bullet and my head has one hat. Even trade to me.” Carl buried the body in Spongebob Popsicles once more, it would never see the light of day again.
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Fuk Obeme
