XKiwis: Autism Unknown -

[Randall Fragg]

@Tavern Explorer did something similar to this with the classic X-Com games, so you have him to thank/blame.
My fellow gamers of the battlefield.
You are all aware of the recent outbreak of alien activity in the last few months. UFO sightings, alien abduction, the works.
However, the recent incident in Germany has show that this is far from a simple alien invasion.
In the Dresden Incident, all televisions in the city would only play "My Little Pony", all internet connections redirected users to Tumblr, and the rate of pantshitting increased by 500%.
Gamers, this is a crucial danger situation. We are facing not only an alien invasion...
...But an autistic alien invasion.
That is why this sick ass CIA council has made me the Commander of The Xcom Project, a top secret Black ops organization dedicated to fighting the Autistic Alien Terrorists, doing nerd shit top make stuff to fight the aliens with, and ranking up our game to lead our warriors to victory.
You have been chosen to be a part of Earth's last line of defense against the Alien Autists. You shall join some of Earths finest.

Spoiler: Earths Finest

We will finish the fight and be the dream.
Semper Fidelious to all are armed forces.

Basically, i'm going to be playing Xcom: Enemy Within. I'll add people in as soldiers if they wish.

 

[Saney]

Beat ya to it, buddy.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Commander's Log. Part One.
The base is up and running. Most of it, anyways. The johns don't flush right, there's a family of raccoons living in the satellite up-link, and the level 2 rec room soda machine is broken. Still, mostly operational.
Most of this month has been pretty quite, a few abductions, a couple of injured soldiers, but nothing too serious. Probably gonna be a quite month.
ADDENDUM: Holy Shit I spoke too soon! We downed a UFO!

Spoiler

Dankness! It went down in some one horse little town out in Washington State. It totally wreaked the place up, it was sick man!
We sent out the troops to secure the area and take the ship.
Our troops managed to secure a tank of this "meld" shit before stumbling into a couple of those grey midget nerds in a bar. They were watching Stephen Universe on one of the bar's TVs, and took offense to our interrupting them. Troops took heavy fire, and a few injures. We grenaded the bar, shoot up what was still standing, and burned the rest. I looked it up, and I'm pretty sure that they can't sue us for property damage, so it's cool.
We chased the wounded grey midget nerds back to the wreaked ship. We were looking through the wreak when this bigass Doritos colored crystal started glowing, and this funky looking motherfucker comes out of it and starts yelling at us. We couldn't understand him, so Stone Tone shot him in the face.
Mission Summery:

Spoiler

Commander's Log: Entry 2.
The nerds in the lab are pretty interested in Doritos Guy, and even more interested in the idea of taking an alien alive. They're saying something about using "neural probing" to extract information from the freaks. Doing some sick ass interrogation shit like in COD: BLOPS sounds pretty awesome, so I've given approval for them to begin building a place to contain these aliens, and a system of capturing them.
The Council called us up to ask about escorting some limp wristed soft on autistic aliens politician for "questioning".

Spoiler

Things were going pretty good, until we ran into these lanky ass mofo with these chill sunglasses. One of them caught Squaddie Ahuvyia "Hoover" Taters in his sights and tactically vomited all over him.
What happened next I will not forget until the end of my days.
Hoover made a sound much like a stuck pig, and waving his rifle in the air bellowed "FUCKY YOU CISSCUM!". He then blasted the Spaghetti Man in the face with a noscope sniper kill.
He wasn't done.
The other Spaghetti Man ran up and delivered a tactical fedora tip/plasma shot combo to Hoover's abdominal region. Hoover squealed in rage, shouted something in mangled Spanish, and blasted the motherfucka in the face, before tard-waddling off to a ruined Burger King.
Mission was a success. Hoover has been promoted for his insane tard rage.
NOTE: That "Very Special Forces Squad" idea you had? Fucking brilliant.

Commander's Log, Entry Three.
It is my sad duty to inform you that we've had our first casualty. Well, technically not first, since one "Jay Guise" was killed in his attempt to prove that his pistol was, in fact, unloaded. In the first death attributed to "Aliens" instead of "Darwin", Cherokee Smith was killed in action by a bolt of burning hot plasma to the face courtesy of a Spaghetti Man. His family has been told that he died peacefully in his sleep, because I really don't want to tell them that he died screeching "REPENT!" while shitting his pants and snorting the cordite out of a rifle casing.
Other than that, the mission went well, as we were able to drag some whiny bastard out of the ruins of a French convoy. Hopefully Smith died for something good.

RIP CHEROKEE SMITH.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Commander's Log, Entry Four:
The nerds have completed the torturer room Happy Tank, and I've equipped a few of the troops with Space Tasers.
We shot down a UFO, a big one this time.

Spoiler

Our interceptors waged a frantic battle against it, and brought it down in Russia. I ordered the troop to depart immediately for

Spoiler

Really? "Blind Grave?" Why not "Screaming Death?" Or "U Will 9/11?"
Anyway, we make it to the crashed UFO, and immediately encounter some Grey Nerds.

Spoiler

We quickly slaughter them and move on.
Towards the interior of the building we encounter something new.

Spoiler

A bunch of rocket powered ADHD assholes who keep screeching "GOTTA GO FAST".
They prove to be as squishy as the grey nerds, and we push through.
Then we get an ambush.

Spoiler

These invisible tentacle fuckers come out of nowhere and try to get all anime on our troops. We managed to off it and it's buddies and storm the UFO.

Spoiler

Well, that went well.

Entry Five:
Things are going well. We got Sat Coverage over South America, and in return they've sent us a bunch of rather terrifying men who have promised to be of much use during the "peace talks" with the captured aliens.
Which is fortunate, as the nerds have completed the Happy Tank, and we've taken in a few aliens. They also had time to research this "meld" crap the aliens have been leaving around, and they've determined it's can help augment our soldiers with genetic engineering and robot parts and shit.
Speaking of soldiers, we got some new cannon fodder Brave Saviors of Humanity in.

Spoiler

 

[Randall Fragg]

Commander's Log, Entry Six
TAAAAAHHH, guess who just shot down a UFO? That's right, we did! That new Sat coverage is already paying for itself, because we just took out a UFO full of tangos.

Spoiler

It crashed in some guys farm, which was pretty damn cool. Anyway, we thought it was going to be a cake walk.
It kind of got interrupted when we hit the barn, and found a new type of asshole. These two giant fat motherfuckers burst out of the barn door. They were covered with My Little Pony stickers, and each wore a greasy fedora. They bellowed something like "RariTY IS BeST PONIEE!" and opened fired.
It was pretty tense, and we nearly lost a few troops. However, we pulled through and took them out.

Spoiler

Semper fir troops.
In base news, the nerds have finished studying the Dorito's Guy's crystal, and figured out it's some sort of communications device. We've traced it back to a base in Cuba, the alien's HQ. I've ordered a build up to assault the base.

Commander's Log, Entry Seven
Shhhiiiiit, we have a Code Dorito's Jacked Black going on.
For some reason, people started panicking in France. Riots over Sonic's arm color, attempting lynching of "truescum", the works.
And then we had an abduction crisis. We had to send the crew to Canada instead of France to keep the shit from flying in Mexico, which caused the rest of Europe to start rioting.
We have two countries in a Mountain Dew Code Red, and most of the rest are in a code Cheetos X-Tream Cheesy Yellow.
The mission in Canada went off without a hitch though.

Spoiler

We don't have any options right now, except for one. We're assaulting the base.
The troops ain't ready, and neither am I, but it's the only way.
I will Finish The Fight and Be The Dream.

Commander's Log, Entry Seven.
It was magnificent.
Our troops roped in to the base all badass and shit.

Spoiler

The inside of the base was a nightmare. Abducted humans were scattered throughout, being anally probed by alien homos, horrifically modified into ponies, or subjected to bizarre fetishes. We had to mercy kill them. I vividly remember one of them. A guy, regular gamer like you and me. He had been taped to the wall in a greasy, semen stained, rainbow colored wolf suit, complete with a horrifically over sized diaper. As we approached him, he wheezed and gasped out:
"Kill meee....KILLL MMMMEEEE! Please, I want to die as myself, not as.."
His face then contorted, and he made a really retarded sounding mix of a whinny and a howl.
"hmmm, yeah, i'm....hmmm...a sexy wolf cub. do you...hmmm...watch My Little-"
Saney blew his brains out with his laser rifle, ending the thing's suffering.
As we pushed farther into the complex, we encountered heavy resistance. Agent Mythos was nearly killed when she disturbed a swarm of those evil zombie bug things. Fortunately we had some guys with rocket launchers.
As the troops entered the command center of the base, we encountered something else. It was like a grey nerd, only it was a lot tougher. It managed to mind control one of our troops, and he nearly blew everyone away. We managed to kill it, and take the base.
Panic has been reduced worldwide, and we are in the clear.

I think we might have finished the fight.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Commander's Log, Entry Eight
Nope, nope, didn't finish the fight! The aliens just send a fucking huge battle cruiser into China, which is total unfair bullshit. Time to fight back with unfair tactics!

Spoiler

We placed transmitters playing Stephen Universe, Sonic Boom, and My Little Pony on a loop in the train and sent it to the edge of the city. The aliens, dawn by the bright colors and Rule 34-ible characters, veered off tack, right into the path of our bombers. #PRANKMASTA

Spoiler

With our elite squad, we totally jacked their ride, just like GTA and shit. Fucking badass.
We totally got the aliens on the run, they just can't beat us, we're too skilled yo. The nerds are currently hacking into their coms with this "hyperwave beacon" we jacked from their base.

Commander's Log, Entry Nine:
New meat just showed up.

Spoiler

We downed a UFO down in Brazil. And not some dinky little scout either, a big old carrier.
Sending down the troops in Operation.....uh, Dark Dirge. (Seriously, who names these things. It's bad for morale).

Spoiler

Well, the Dirge part is accurate, as we lost @Mauvwomyn Shuffleboard to a Spaghetti Man. We also encountered more of the big brain grey nerds. Killed them, but they're going to be a pain in our ass. Anyway, mission was still a success.
Sending the troops out to Newfoundland as well, to investigate "alien activity". From the looks of it, a bunch of fisherman got drunk and started making up shit.
Commander's Log, Entry Ten:
Shhhiiiittttt.

Spoiler

The town was infested with a bunch of zombies and the Zerg things. We lost two good men, and two more got pretty fucked up.
On top of that, we just saw panic jump all over Africa. South Africa is rioting, and the rest is about to fall. And we found out what's going on.
We got us some false flagging faggots, EXALT. These assholes are a bunch of islams who have joined up with the aliens to try to overthrow us. They've been starting shit. Well, if they're going to start shit, they're going to end shit.

Spoiler

We hacked into one of their bases and totally owned them. That'll teach them not to start shit.

So, things ain't that good, but it's looking better. The aliens have been pretty quite, I think they might be giving up.

Hey, what that hell does this "perimeter alarm" mean?




ADDENDUM: DOOOOODDD, WHAT THE FUCK?

Spoiler

WHAT THE FUCK, THEY'RE IN OUR SPAWN POINT! THEY CAN'T DO THAT, THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT YO, THAT'S BULLSHIT TACTICS YO! I'M CALLING THE COPS ON YOU FOR CHEATING!

 

[The Master Debater]

This is fucking gold.
"Spaghetti Man"

 

[Randall Fragg]

Commander's Log, Entry 10.
We held the line.
Though the aliens were many, and they swarmed our base with there Diaperfur shocktroops and Mecha-nerds, they were defeated, and driven back. We were caught in a surprise attack, and could not get our best troops to the front fast enough. Luckily, the janitorial staff had access to weapons, and were plenty. Consuela, you will be missed.

Spoiler

The troops preformed like the exceptional individuals they are, especially one Major Hoover Potato. Xi has been awarded the Medal of Autism in honor of xir service.

Spoiler

And of course, as we were sweeping up the dead bronies, fedoras still drenched with grease and sweat, Agent Eli calls in about EXALT. They're trying to hack our shit.

Spoiler

Our team heads for the land of Taco Bell and el weedo to stop EXALT and to get a new janitorial staff. Operation Enduring is a go. Finally I like these damn mission names.

Spoiler: #PWND!!!!

EXALT really didn't know what they were getting into. They had a bunch of guys with regular guns against a team with plasma weapons and a fucking Robot Man. Curb stomp bitch!
Anyway, another alien landing.

Spoiler: Shattered Stallion

This is getting pretty routine.

Entry 11:
Okay, the aliens just blew up a dam.

Spoiler

That's new.
Anyway, our guys crossed the dam, killed the aliens, and found what they were looking for. This one hot solider chick like Merle from Metal Gear Solid who has these badass Psycho Mantis powers and shit. We sent here down to the new "Psyonics" lab after we rescued her.
Anyway, the nerds downstairs have been researching the Doritos-Device that we got from the alien base, and they think they found a way to hack the aliens coms. We gave it a shot, and it seems to have worked.
It also may have caused a giant space ship to materialize over South America, and a new "Overseer" ship to start buzzing us. Oh well, can't win them all.

Spoiler: Solider List

 

[Randall Fragg]

Commander's Log, Entry 11:
More bullshit with EXHALT, they keep screwing with our research. In response, we enacted operation Red Law, which is a fucking awesome mission name.

Spoiler: RED LAW

In Egypt, we were able to uncover more intel on these guys. Apparently, they belong to a radical Autism Supremacy group. We also learned the location of one of there major fronts, the web site Wrong Planet. We acted immediately to take down their servers.

Spoiler: Soaring Apollo

This was a close one. We discovered that EXALT has been modifying themselves with the alien's autistic genes, in an attempt to become superhuman. We encountered heavy resistance from the mutant super-soldiers, and Eli was nearly killed in action.

Commander's Log, Entry 12:
So, it looks like the chick that escaped from the dam had friends that also got abducted by aliens. The aliens managed to hack their brains and shit to try and take down XCOM. This will not stand.

Spoiler: Empty Summer

The aliens had them in tanks, being forced to watch endless reruns of My Little Pony. The nerds think this was to help "enhance" their mental abilities. We managed to get them out, and are looking over them right now.

Commander's Log, Entry 13.
The nerds have discovered that all four of the abducted people possess "psyonic" abilities, and may be trained in them. We've drafted them into XCOM, and are now starting a high intensity Psyonic training program.
In other news, we've researched most of what we can, got some sick new "fusion launchers", and are currently tracking a big, heavily guarded UFO. We're sending one of our new "Firestorm" ships after it.

Commander's Log, Entry 14.
We downed it. The Firestorm was nearly wreaked, but it managed to take down the ship. We launched into action and sent an assault team in.

Spoiler

Operation Stone Engine is a go. We encountered heavy resistance at the site from Flying Fedoras and Furfags, but our second greatest challenge was inside.
We were the interior of the ship. Col. Mythos had just finished off a Diaperfur Berzerker with her plasma rifle. The squad rounded a corner and came face to face with an ornate force door. The central control room of the UFO. The squad reloaded, took a deep breath, and opened it.
The first thing they noticed was the smell. A oppressive odor of sweat, cheetos, and semen. Then they noticed the piss bottles. Hundreds of them, perfectly lined up in a feat of autism. Then they noticed the frail figure clad in a filthy robe glaring at them. The figure yelled, in a grating, high pitched voice.
"RRRRRRREEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTT FUCKING NORMALFAGS GET OFF MY SHIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP"
The foil beast screeched and flapped as several hulking Elite Furfags waddled towards us. The air filled with volleys of plasma, psyonic energy, and squeals of "DIE NORMIE SCUM!" When it's minions fell, the Wizard, for that is what we have named these beings, attempted to flee, tossing psyonic attacks at those following him. It was finally dispatched by Saney, it's rotting carcass slumping to the ground in a pitiful heap.
That was only the second greatest challenge. The first greatest challenge came when we stepped outside and were attacked by the alien's assault robot. All of us were nearly killed.
Fortunately, it exploded in a hail of grenades, and the site was cleared.

Spoiler

In the ship, we recovered the aliens WizChan Comms Device. Our scientists are currently attempting to hack it. They believe that we need a psyonic master to properly link with it. Our efforts to rank op our psychics are now on the double.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Commander's Long, Entry 15.
EXALT is no longer a threat. We traced them to England, and launched a devastating strike against their base.

Spoiler: Fallen Justice

It was a bloody fight through an office space filled with Stephen Universe R34, Sonic the Hedgehog OCs, and mountains of empty Pocky containers. However, in the end, we were triumphant. Their autistic cult has been wiped from the face of the Earth. Now on to the aliens.

Commander's Log, Entry 16, Part One.
The nerds have completed the Gollop chamber, which they claim will allow a psyonic soldier to link with the aliens. By doing this, we'll be able to access their base. Everything has been building to this point. Everyone in the base gathered together in an attempt to figure out who will link with the device.
One lone voice spoke out.

Spoiler: The Volunteer

Semper fidelious soldier. You did a great thing today.
Meatstick linked with the device. It was...I don't even know what it was. The whole base shook. The powers of autism rippled through us. The troops started screaming that they were being triggered by each other. The nerds began arguing on random internet forums. But Meatstik pulled through. The tide of autism was stemmed, and she peered into the very heart of the Autist hivemind.
The way is open.
The time has come.
To finish the fight.
We immediately began preparing a strike team of our best and brightest.

Spoiler

Out of our 25 troops, five have been chosen to join Meatstik.

Spoiler: LIVE BY THE BULLET DIE BY THE BULLET

Soldiers, the fate of mankind rests in your hands. Everything depends on you now.
Semper fidelious to you, are armed forces.
Godspeed.

 

[BILLY MAYS]

Voted no just so we can get an XKiwis 2 canon. Other than that, will be watching with interest

 

[Randall Fragg]

Commander's Log, Entry 16, Part Two, THE FINAL FIGHT!
This is it gamers. The final fight. Meatstik, Tyce, Saney, Hunger Mythos, Jullayy, and Durand have the fate of the world in their hands. The Skyranger zooms towards the Alien Nerd Ship, and Hunger is all like #roleplay "The aliens started this war", and Saney's all like "And now we're going to finish it" and finishes his cigar like Captain Price in that cargo ship level of Modern Warfare. It's basically sickness.
The Skyranger sets down inside the Flying Fortress of Aspergers, and everyone charges out, ready to end this. We have the best, dankest, most tactical equipment we've ever made. Heavy plasma machine guns, kitted out plasma rifles, alloy shotguns, missile launchers that can fire globs of nuclear fucking fusion, genetic modding, and psyonic powers.
This was going to be a battle for the ages.
Saney, Hunger, and Meatstik charged ahead, through a force door directly in front of the landing site. Julaay and Durand went left, through a lower set of doors, to try and flank whatever was inside.
We first encountered a group of Grey Nerds, and one of the Big Brained Grey Nerds. The little ones went down in a few bursts of plasma. The big one was finished off by Saney, who did tactical parkour towards it, did a sick one handed pump with his shotgun, and blew it's head off.
As the smoke cleared, the troops began to move forward. #roleplay Saney's all like "WTF is that noise", and there's this weird "wiiirrr" sound, and Meatstik is all like "OH FUCK, WE GOT FLYING FEDORAS!" and two flying Fedorabots come out. Saney's all like "yo, that's fucked up", and shoots one. Tyce is all like "yo, i got dis" and noscopes the Fedorabot Saney hit, and he basically crits it and it blows up #owned #summaslam.
The other one gets Meatstik in it's sights and shoots her, and Mythos is all like "NOOOO!", and Meatstik goes "Bitch, you just scratched my armor", and shoots it up. Everyone basically gets tactically reinvigorated from this, and moves in and shoots it to death.
The team moves up onto a rail way, and spots the remaining Grey Nerds, which are cowering off to the side. Durand uses her sick ass mind powers and basically blows their brains up.
Oh yeah, while all this is going on, some annoying douche with a really high pitched voice is going on and on about "the failures of the wizards", and how humanity will be "their long awaited success, the ulimant evolution of Autism".
The troops continue along the balcony, and come across a bunch of flying Sanic Spergs. The Sanic Spergs are all like "RAAARRGGHH, GATTAGOFAST!" And Jullaays all like #roleplay "fast enough to dodge a bullet?" and then nails one. Meatstik kills another by mentally projecting images of a blue armed Sonic into it's brain. The remaining one, an Elite Sanic Sperg, Goes Fast and flies up, triggering a reaction shot by Durand and Hunger. It gets pretty fucked up, and gets owned by Saney when it lands.
No sooner had that finished when the hall fills with a horrifically familiar scuttling sound. Meatstiks all like "aw fuck, bug things", and everyone opens fires off the balcony, because there's a wave of Bug Things coming after us. They go down in flames, and we press on into a really dark passage. Hunger is all like "yo, darkness ain't tactical", and gets spooked. Julaays all like, "yo, don't worry, I got this." And then everyone freezes at the sound of "M'lady". Yes, it was filled with Spaghetti Men, who all start moving towards us. Durand blows one of their brains out, and the others get shot to death by Hunger and Jullaay.
The team moves up, and comes to a force door. They stack up, and reload. Saney's all like, "Yo, cover my back, I'm going in hot", and walks in. He runs back a second later, because he had just run into a nest of Bronies, led by a Diaperfur Berserker. It's all like "RARRRGH, STOP KINKSHAMING ME", and charges through the door. Luckily I had put everyone on overwatch, and it got shot up by nearly every member of the team. Hunger then snipes one of the Bronies, while Saney and Jullay take out the rest.
We move out into an open area. Tyce boots up his jetpack and flies around to get some tactical spy intel. Saney scouts ahead a bit.
There's Chicken Robots ahead.
Two of them.
Meatstik don't have time for that shit and opens fire with her fusion launcher. It makes a dent in them.
The rest of the team dive for cover and fling grenades.
The chickenbots open fire.

They manage to miss Saney. Julaay isn't so lucky. Her cover gets owned, and she gets the shit knocked out of her.
Tactical situation. Out of cover, looking down at two chicken bots, badly injured.
Julaays all like #roleplay "well, it's as good a time as any to die", and jumps down from the balcony, into the pit the chickenbots are in. She lands behind cover, and shoots up one of them. Tyce manages to snipe it to death.
Durand hits the other one with a fusion rocket. Hunger jumps down to heal Julaay.
The Chickenbot open fires. Saney gets hit and takes a bunch of damage. Durand also gets pretty fucked up.
Durand and Jullaay fire on the Chickenbot, while Tyce snipes it, Hunger patches up Durand, and Meatstick does a bunch of Psyonic shit on it. It gives off a final groan, falls to the ground, and explodes.
Nailed it.
As the team patches up and regroups, there's a roar from up ahead. More Bronies. And from the amount of stickers on their armor, they're Elite Bronies. They open fire from the ridges. Saney sweeps around and injures one. Meatstik mindcontrols the other. The injured one falls back behind cover and attempts to hit the friendly. He misses, and is killed by Brony Buddy.
Time to move up. The Finial Justice of the Final Grave is here. There's an ornate door up ahead, which leads to some sort of temple.
Durands all like "It's some sort of temple. When we finish off these bastards I'm going to have a holy smoke #420blazeit."
Brony Buddy goes in first. We took the extra step of mounting a GoPro to him, so we could see what we're getting into. It was this big ass temple, with stained glass windows and shit. Only, the stained glass windows has nothing but puzzle pieces and Tomas the Tank Engines on them. There were piss bottles and manga comics everywhere. Two wizards glared down from the side balconies, two hulking bronies stood on the cathedral floor, and in the center was a decrepit figure with a long, grey neck beard, four grey, weak arms, and clad in a set of brightly colored, red and blue striped robes. Around it's neck dangled a clay medallion of a yellow figure. A filthy anime bodypillow laid nearby. It was The Archmage, the leader of the Autism Invasion. In it's raspy voice, it spoke.
"NORMALFAAAAGGGGS! YOU DARE DEFY ME! FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS WE HAVE WAITED, SURVIVING ON LESSER BEINGS! OUR AUTISTIC CRUSADE TO CONVERT AND PURIFY THE GALAXY, WOULD ALL COME TO NOTHING IF WE DID NOT FIND A NEW BREED OF SOLDIER! THESE PATHETIC BEINGS YOU FIGHT, ALL FAILURE, ALL FAIL TO EMBRACE THE AUTISM AS WE WIZARDS HAVE! AND NOW YOU COME! YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU CAN BE UPLIFTED! AND YOU REFUSE OUR GIFT! YOU FUCKING NORMIES THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THE NEET LIFESTYLE, BECAUSE GIRLS WILL GO OUT WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING CHAD THUNDERCOCKS! YOU WORTHLESS SCUM HAVE ATTACKED US SUPERIOR AUTISTIC BEINGS, YOU HAVE REJECTED YOUR DESTINY! YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST DECENT NICE GUYS SUCH AS-"
"Hey, you know what? You're a gay nerd who can't even get pussy!"
With that, Saney charges ahead. The rest of the team follows, screaming. The Archmage howls in fury.
Bronie Buddy regains his senses, and is put down by Saney.
One of the wizards launches a gay HAARP attack on Saney, injuring him.
One of the Brony Elite shoots Saney, which really fucks him up.
Durand fires her remaining fusion rocket, which totally noscopes the Bronies and messes up the Archmage.
Saney hurls his nades at the Archemage, while Tyce snipes at him. Hunger moves onto the right balcony, while Julaay and Meatstik move onto the left.
One of the Wizards is all like "fuck you feminist nazi", and mind controls Hunger.
The other one attempts the same on Julaay. Fortunately her gene mods cause her to crash into slumber when that happens.
The Archmage attacks Saney again. he gets really fucked up. He's bleeding, his armor's all busted up, he's at two health.
And mind controlled Hunger is flanking him and Durand, scoping them up with her plasma rifle.
Things are not looking good. We have two agents out of action, one who's tactically fucked up, one who's completely flanked, and one in the corner against two fully armed wizards.
There was only one last hope. His name?

Spoiler

Tyce cocks his plasma rifle, takes a puff of weed to stabilize his aim, and goes for a critical shot on the Archmage. The fate of Saney, Meatstik, Hunger, Durand, Julaay, and all of humanity is in his hands. He slowed his breath as he moved his sights in on the Archmage.
"derz 2 times in da wurld, time one iz when im high n tim 2 iz when i ownin nurdz like u. guss what, its both times bitch! eat pluzma u fuking feggit"
With these immortal words, Tyce pulls the trigger.
The bolt of plasma sails true, striking the Archmage directly on the medallion, which is a sick trickshot. Tyce totally fucking crit hit him, basically blowing his shit up.
The Archmage lets out a scream of rage. "NOOOOOO, IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCK NIGGO FEMINIST CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADS!"
"well, it luk lik it wuz lik dis NERD! U just got HOWS THAT FEEEEEEEL" Tyce screamed back.
With a ear bleeding squeal of rage, the Archmage' psychic energy goes wild, burning his body into ash. With one last cry, a bolt of energy strike the ship, and everything starts shaking and shit The other wizards, upon seeing their leader killed, piss themselves and curl up in a fetal position. Durand's all like "FUCK YEAH, WE KICKED YOUR ASSES!" and Hunger's all like "MUHRINS, WE DID IT!", and Saney's all like "uhh, guys, I'm bleeding to death over here, could you give me some help?"
Suddenly, the ship goes all fucking haywire and shit. Tyce is all like "yo, we gottu g=bug outta her n shir=t!". Hunger and Julaay grab Saney and start hauling him back.
Meanwhile, the readings on the ship are going insane. The nerds are all like "Oh shit, it's becoming a black hole! The earth is going to 9/11!" The aliens had rigged up the ship to be a suicide Space Muslim Ship, and it was going to destroy the Earth!
Meatstik is all like, "GUYS, RUN FOR IT!", and they're all like "YO, MEATSTIK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MURINES NEVER LEAVE A SOLDIER BEHIND ENEMY LINES!"
But Meatstik is all like "I'LL BE FINE, JUST GO!" and hurls them out the door.
The troops run for the Skyranger, while Meatstik lights up and heads for the controls to the ship.
Command's all like "COL. MEATSTIK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", and Meatstiks all like "I'M FINISHING THE FIGHT!"
The Skyranger manages to take off just in time as the ship starts ascending though the atmosphere. Meatstik is all like calm and shit because she's facing death with dignity yo. She takes a puff of weed and goes "HQ, we're clear of Earth, it's been a dank ride with you boys! Semper Fidelious!" And everyone in HQ sheds a tear as the ship pulls out of Earths atmosphere. Meatstik gives a final salute, as the ship blows up in orbit and doesn't 9/11 the Earth.

Everywhere on Earth, people look up and see the ship exploding into a billion pieces that rain down in sick ass shooting stars. Eagles give out screeches of appreciation, as "We Got To Stop The Mosque At Ground Zero" plays in the background.
We did it. We Finished the Fight.

Spoiler: Ending Stats

 

[Kaz]

Should've played the Long War mod you casual.