Your best D&D/Pathfinder campaign stories -

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XH 502

I searched and couldn't find a thread about this, but if I somehow missed it my bad.

What I love most about tabletop campaigns is that literally anything can happen. Everyone has some ridiculous story about a session gone wrong (or right) and 4chan greentext is full of classic stories. Being the sort of outlandish people we are I figured Kiwis would have tons of fun shit to share.

I'll start us off with a story of what happened to my group during today's session:

So this is only our third session for this campaign meaning we were all still level one at the start. To quickly sum up the story so far: we were forced into this cult that wants us to go slay Eldritch abominations that are invading the world. They threw us into the sewers to eliminate these ooze creatures disguised as rat folk. For the sake of brevity: we kill two of the monsters almost immediately, our monk gets acidic goo on him but we don't realize it's acidic because he has resistance, and we find out that the ratfolk are being terrorized by mysterious killings. We, being the "heroes" decide to investigate and come across a giant killer tentacle roaming about the sewers. The thing is massive so we run away but not before it tries to attack our monk and recoils when it touches the acid.

So, giant tentacle monster that's weak to acid. We speak to a suspicious alchemist who (after a while) reveals that he took in the ooze creatures as his children, only the ooze monsters genuinely believe they're ratfolk. We promise not to kill his sons (Jin and Jazz) because our first priority (we now decide) is that tentacle monster. So he makes us some acid bombs and suddenly we're thrust into a fight with a psychotic rat priest in the local church.

He's trying to sacrifice one of the rats (a cleric who helped us earlier) to his "god" - a god he's summoning from the sewer below us - so we end up fighting him, and we all have shit combat rolls. I'm cursed in that regard and I keep rolling "2" every goddamn turn so we're hitting everything BUT the freaking rat. After a while we start to get the upper hand and then "god" comes out of the sewer and OH LOOK IT'S THE TENTACLE MONSTER.

This is a massive Eldritch abomination and it proceeds to grab our gunslinger because it's looking for food and the sacrificial rat ran away a few rounds ago because I unlocked her chain. Now, the smart thing would be to run too, but that would mean abandoning our gunslinger so I decide "fuck that" and hurl one of the acid bombs at the abomination.

Here's the thing: we're level one. We're weak and vulnerable. This creature, unbeknownst to us, is a level five boss that we are not supposed to actually fight until much, MUCH later in the campaign (if at all). In order to even hit this thing you need to roll an 18, and I got my first decent combat roll of the night at 22. I get a direct hit, there's splash damage too, and the abomination drops the gunslinger while screaming in pain because that shit is super effective.

There's seven of us playing, mind you. So with our numbers plus the massive damage I just did to the creature we decide to kill the goddamn thing instead of escaping out the door the abomination can't follow us through like we're fucking supposed to. We keep hurling acid and fire bombs, the creature keeps failing attacks of opportunity, and even though it's fucking hard to hit this thing (because game logic) we do enough splash damage with the bombs to suffice.

As we're about to run out of bombs the alchemist and his two ooze children show up with more. So we keep assaulting it with acid, whittling down the seemingly endless HP, and the abomination grabs our monk. I throw my last acid bomb which manages a direct hit. Now, when the creature gets a direct hit it releases a horrific scream that we have to make a Will save against. Jin rolls a natural 20 and decides to Braveheart this shit. He screams "FOR MY PEOPLE!" and leaps into the abomination's mouth. Since Jin is an acidic ooze monster it's basically like the abomination took a cyanide pill. It chews a few times, then dies violently, acid flying everywhere and it just deflates in a pile of horrible.

This abomination was like one of those video game boss fights where you're not supposed to win. You're scripted to "die" or run away crying. We managed to kill the fucking thing, and what did our DM say to conclude the session?

"That poor, lightweight Eldritch abomination. He just wasn't able to hold his Jin."


Schmuck in Scrubs
True & Honest Fan
I used to always have to DM, because when I was a 10 year old shit, my friends were too dumb to DM.
I accidentally made every campaign Dark Souls difficult. A little bit of strategy and caution would have been enough to pull through the first dungeon, with all of the gnolls dead.
They didn't survive the approach.
They didn't want to play D&D with me after. :(

Flowers For Sonichu

2nd Team all-confefence in Kick the Autistic
True & Honest Fan
Retired Staff
In a World of Darkness game @Danger tried to find a pie to steal off an old lady's windowsill to show how badass he was, made a critical failure, and stumbled into a cockfight


Out of Control
Global Moderator
True & Honest Fan
Characters of note in this D&D 3.5 Story:
-Eliwood Smith: My character. CN Mystic Ranger, bit of an oddball
-Zook: CN Gnome Cleric, is the straight man of the group despite his alignment
-Crazy Old Man: A guy we just rescued from a prison after looti-I mean cleansing the corruption out of a church.

Anyways the party, after defeating the boss of the place, found a hidden passage behind the main altar. After making sure nothing is trapped, we reached a room with an old man in it with amnesia, where he mentions that there is a an artifact that can grant wishes. Meanwhile Eliwood, not giving a fuck about some old dude, started using his overly muscular pet dog to break down doors to look for loot(He could've just opened them, but that's no fun). He broke down a door that revealed a giant emerald statue of a snake. It asked Eliwood to make a wish, but Eliwood wasn't paying attention to what it was saying and had to go to the bathroom so he asked where the nearest bathroom is.

"Two doors to the right" it said as it slowly crumbled away, mightily pissing of Zook and his player. Eliwood rushed to the bathroom, which had platinum linings, a magical toilet that sends your shit to another dimension, and gold leaf toilet paper. After doing his thing he promptly looted the bathroom, and Zook's player was busy raging over the whole thing while everyone else was laughing.

The best part is that Eliwood never knew in character that there was ever any wish. The poor old man found out I used it for a bathroom and he ran away screaming that the world was doomed.

I have many more wacky stories, but I always have to tell this one first.


Eric Borsheim
True & Honest Fan
D&D 5e campaign with lots of homebrew content.
I was playing a warlock with a fiend pact who was secretly evil and I dropped a ridiculous amount of hints but nobody caught on even when I got a weapon that had the side effect that they fully knew about of making the user a psychopath.

I spent a full year powergaming, the party often defeated bosses in 1 turn

Right before the final boss (which I didn't know about) I betrayed the party. I killed a god and took its spark and then summoned baphomet to help me with killing the party. I almost managed to take out the entire party with forcecage (but sadly failed because it was counterspelled) and used several spells and homebrew abilities against them that they had almost no way of counteracting. I was defeated at the end but it was the most brutal boss fight in the entire campaign.

A few minutes after my death the actual final boss came in and they one shotted her

Randall Fragg

Tran Ranch is under siege!
Global Moderator
True & Honest Fan
My group is playing the Masks of Narlaynthotep campaign for Call of Cthulhu.
I'm playing a quadriplegic professor of anthropology.
After several encounters with spooky shit, the team decides to stock up on weapons. I ask if I can mount a shotgun on my wheelchair. The GM askes for a roll.
05 (one of the best possible rolls).
The GM starts laughing, and I have a shotgun wheelchair.
And yes, I did manage to kill someone with it.


Last Gunman
True & Honest Fan
I have a few, though DnD is a bit sparse on the front. I'll tell one of 'em now and if anyone else is interested in the shit I've seen and done, pick one from the rest and I'll tell it.

El Fantasmo
Now, I DMed a particular VtM campaign. It was my first one, but I think I did alright, even if there was some notable inter-group drama. But that's not for here and now. What's here and now is how a chump gangster managed to get both leveled up and become a childe of one of our players.

So I rather stupidly liked to stat my humans, mainly because I felt it merited it for encounters, and this included gangsters. Now, these gangsters were not as well off as vampire kin; they were statted kind of like ghouls, but with a bit less skill and were also more fragile. Usually, this wasn't too much of an issue, since vamps were pretty tough with that whole soaking bullets as bruising damage thing, and I wasn't the type to be a minmaxing bastard. Then came el Fantasmo.

My group, composed of a Brujah brawler bitch, a Ventrue bodyguard, a Toreador who was mid-level management, and an ex-shovelhead Tzimisce Cult Leader were going after this group since they had ties to the Sabbat. Namely these guys (los Carnales) were supplying arms to them, which combined with the reforms by the new Bishop, meant shit was going to get bad. They were meeting in a Church for a meeting of the lieutenants, meaning now was a good time to fuck up that gang's organization. Things went pretty well, as the Toreador and Tzimisce used their base charisma to bluff away and geek the watchmen out of sight of the others. Things went pretty good for a while, as the group had a pair of people who could and would use Auspex to spot and geek the gangsters. Then they ran into El Fantasmo.

He was just a normal gangster, nothing special about him actually. But the Auspex users somehow kept botching their fucking roll when he was involved. Since that was the case, I reasoned that they didn't see him. True, they probably should have, but I'm dumb enough to give these guys stats above 2 in a few characteristics. As they kept missing this fucking guy, I then decided to give him ranks in stealth to represent this. This came into play after he managed to generate the alarm.

The party does well in cleaning out these thugs, but again, El Fantasmo managed one last fuck-you. Since he had stealth ranks now, something I made sure to note since the whole reveal of him thing, he had the ability to sneak about. This culminates in our Manager taking a nasty shot to the chest by this dude before he gets ganked by the Cultist. The manager then decides this guy is super worth nabbing. That and in spite of her lust of power, she still was in touch with her humanity, and didn't want a person who proved this troublesome to die. She embraces him, and gains a new magician bodyguard.

Vampire the Masquerade:
- The Imaginary Policemen
-The SEARS Assassination
-The Corpse of Jesus
-Jimmy and Billy get Gibbed
-The Chumpening

-How A Cleric's Racism Derailed a Session
-The Fuck is a Flaw?


voilà la guimbarde
True & Honest Fan
Characters of note for this story from my first Pathfinder campaign:

Drakhus, LG half-orc monk, thinks a bit more of himself than he should. Played by a guy who tends to play tabletops the same way he plays WoW (by metagaming the fuck out of it).
Cookie, Drakhus's dire wolf, fiercely loyal but none too bright
Ozimar, CN human bard, my character, sort of a prick but along for the ride
Two brothers who run a smuggling syndicate

So the first story arc of the campaign is our group trying to track down the guy who burned down Drakhus's monastery and teach him a lesson. We manage to find a connection between our mystery arsonist and a couple of local smugglers, a pair of brothers (don't recall their names). We bust into their house and manage to catch one brother asleep. We tie him up and leave him in the bedroom with the dire wolf standing guard while we look for the other brother.

We manage to find his brother hiding in the pantry, he was awake and heard us breaking in. Drakhus and I start interrogating him, but he gets quiet pretty quickly. For all his talk about honor, Drakhus is never one to shy away from intimidation, so he calls for Cookie. At this point the DM (who enjoys knocking Drakhus's player down a peg from time to time) uses his discretion, and we start to hear shrieks and the snapping of bone in the other room. Cookie comes into the pantry, her jowls dripping with blood. She'd mistaken the "come" command for the "kill" command.

At this point, Ozimar breaks out in laughter and starts making smart remarks at Drakhus. Fragile half-orc egos being what they are, he was repaid with Drakhus throwing him out of a second-story window.


Perfectly Cromulent Poster
Not mine, but before Spoony went off the deepend into psycho-land, he used to do a regular series about gaming stories, and I think this one is the quintissential emergent storytelling story.


In high school one of my dnd friends finally came back and our first session was just fuck everyone at the tavern.

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