Kiwi Farms

I searched and couldn't find a thread about this, but if I somehow missed it my bad.

What I love most about tabletop campaigns is that literally anything can happen. Everyone has some ridiculous story about a session gone wrong (or right) and 4chan greentext is full of classic stories. Being the sort of outlandish people we are I figured Kiwis would have tons of fun shit to share.

I'll start us off with a story of what happened to my group during today's session:

So this is only our third session for this campaign meaning we were all still level one at the start. To quickly sum up the story so far: we were forced into this cult that wants us to go slay Eldritch abominations that are invading the world. They threw us into the sewers to eliminate these ooze creatures disguised as rat folk. For the sake of brevity: we kill two of the monsters almost immediately, our monk gets acidic goo on him but we don't realize it's acidic because he has resistance, and we find out that the ratfolk are being terrorized by mysterious killings. We, being the "heroes" decide to investigate and come across a giant killer tentacle roaming about the sewers. The thing is massive so we run away but not before it tries to attack our monk and recoils when it touches the acid.

So, giant tentacle monster that's weak to acid. We speak to a suspicious alchemist who (after a while) reveals that he took in the ooze creatures as his children, only the ooze monsters genuinely believe they're ratfolk. We promise not to kill his sons (Jin and Jazz) because our first priority (we now decide) is that tentacle monster. So he makes us some acid bombs and suddenly we're thrust into a fight with a psychotic rat priest in the local church.

He's trying to sacrifice one of the rats (a cleric who helped us earlier) to his "god" - a god he's summoning from the sewer below us - so we end up fighting him, and we all have shit combat rolls. I'm cursed in that regard and I keep rolling "2" every goddamn turn so we're hitting everything BUT the freaking rat. After a while we start to get the upper hand and then "god" comes out of the sewer and OH LOOK IT'S THE TENTACLE MONSTER.

This is a massive Eldritch abomination and it proceeds to grab our gunslinger because it's looking for food and the sacrificial rat ran away a few rounds ago because I unlocked her chain. Now, the smart thing would be to run too, but that would mean abandoning our gunslinger so I decide "fuck that" and hurl one of the acid bombs at the abomination.

Here's the thing: we're level one. We're weak and vulnerable. This creature, unbeknownst to us, is a level five boss that we are not supposed to actually fight until much, MUCH later in the campaign (if at all). In order to even hit this thing you need to roll an 18, and I got my first decent combat roll of the night at 22. I get a direct hit, there's splash damage too, and the abomination drops the gunslinger while screaming in pain because that shit is super effective.

There's seven of us playing, mind you. So with our numbers plus the massive damage I just did to the creature we decide to kill the goddamn thing instead of escaping out the door the abomination can't follow us through like we're fucking supposed to. We keep hurling acid and fire bombs, the creature keeps failing attacks of opportunity, and even though it's fucking hard to hit this thing (because game logic) we do enough splash damage with the bombs to suffice.

As we're about to run out of bombs the alchemist and his two ooze children show up with more. So we keep assaulting it with acid, whittling down the seemingly endless HP, and the abomination grabs our monk. I throw my last acid bomb which manages a direct hit. Now, when the creature gets a direct hit it releases a horrific scream that we have to make a Will save against. Jin rolls a natural 20 and decides to Braveheart this shit. He screams "FOR MY PEOPLE!" and leaps into the abomination's mouth. Since Jin is an acidic ooze monster it's basically like the abomination took a cyanide pill. It chews a few times, then dies violently, acid flying everywhere and it just deflates in a pile of horrible.

This abomination was like one of those video game boss fights where you're not supposed to win. You're scripted to "die" or run away crying. We managed to kill the fucking thing, and what did our DM say to conclude the session?

"That poor, lightweight Eldritch abomination. He just wasn't able to hold his Jin."