Your personal nightmare pizza -

[MuuMuu Bunnylips]

Popcorn Chicken pizza

Spoiler: Yes, it exists. Someone somewhere thought this was a good idea.

Don't shoot the messenger.

 

[Fìddlesticks]

And while I love REAL margherita pizza, I've noticed that a lot of places that offer margherita pizzas top them with diced raw tomatoes. Yikes. I'm not deathly allergic to raw tomatoes, but I do have an intolerance to them and they make me break out in hives. So ... Raw tomatoes are another nightmare topping for me..

I feel your pain on the raw tomatoes, for me it's less hives and more texture. I hate the way raw tomatoes feel in my mouth, they're too slimy for my liking.

Another reason that raw tomato is the devil's pizza topping is because the water content makes it hotter than the sun. Also, it doesn't cut clean in your teeth due to the skin and there the tentacle of liquid hot magma slaps down your mouth and chin and exacts its Portuguese man of War jellyfish vengeance. The burn mark is unusual and will exact comments for a while. A pizza that leaves its fingerprint on you well after the nightmare.

Bbq sauce etc. So sweet! Yuck! And does bbq really go with cheese? No.

 

[Cheerlead-in-Chief]

Cold pizza, crust isn't baked well and lots of anchovies.

 

[Thumb Butler]

Ham.

Disgusting shit.

 

[Sundae]

Celery, fried okra, and black licorice.

 

[Ralph Cifaretto]

When I was in Rome a while back, my family and I went to a pizza joint a bit off the beaten path where English wasn't as common. Most of the shit on the menu (pepperoni, mozzarella, tomato, etc) was the same in both languages so we ordered what we thought was a generic meat and veggie pizza. Somehow we must have missed the part about them dumping a fucking raw egg right in the center of it after it was done cooking. I can't remember if anyone actually tried it, but I definitely ate around it. I'd try it now for sure since I'm a lot more adventurous.

 

[Damien Thorne]

Onions. Mainly because I have an allergy to them.

 

[ClownBrew]

Lucas Werner's shelter pizza with Bar S hot dogs and extra grease on top

 

[Grimoire Canthari]

Undercooked as fuck, barely 1 mm thickness of sauce on the top layer (bonus if there are big ass patches of dry dough),tiny fried nuggets of peppered cardboard called ‘sausage’, slimy ass anchovies poured on the top, banana peppers, raw clam meat and a ton of grease.

 

[Autumnal Equinox]

These pizzas that Pizza Hut will put out sometimes that I can only imagine cater directly to autists. Like the ones where the crust is mini cheeseburgers or mini hot dogs or a mac and cheese pizza. Sounds vile

Little Caesar’s is pretty gross anymore as well. I remember back in the 90s they used to be halfway decent. I’d rather go for one of those Tostinos frozen party pizzas than anything Little Caesar’s puts out now

 

[Weeb Slinger]

These pizzas that Pizza Hut will put out sometimes that I can only imagine cater directly to autists. Like the ones where the crust is mini cheeseburgers or mini hot dogs or a mac and cheese pizza. Sounds vile

Little Caesar’s is pretty gross anymore as well. I remember back in the 90s they used to be halfway decent. I’d rather go for one of those Tostinos frozen party pizzas than anything Little Caesar’s puts out now

The restaurant critic, Jay Rayner, documented his experience eating a large double pepperoni pizza with cheeseburger crust at Pizza Hut. I've only pasted-in the first part of the article, which blossoms into a lengthy diatribe on food ethics. You can read the entire thing over on the archive.

[Archive] Pizza Hut's 2,880-calorie monster: a taste of a burgeoning global food crisis

A chilly late autumn day in 2013 and I am sitting in a central London branch of Pizza Hut trying not to be noticed. I wanted a table towards the back but they directed me instead to one here, in the window. I turn my body away from the glass, but it makes no difference. I am well over six foot, have a chest so big there are plans to build a high-speed rail link between my nipples, and have hair like an unlit bonfire. Plus I whore about on television. Sitting in a public place inconspicuously is not part of my skill set.

Quickly someone tweets that they have spotted me. Oh God. I fear my carefully honed reputation as a paragon of good taste is about to be destroyed. I feel like some Bible-bashing Republican senator who's been caught strapping himself to the wall bars in a secret torture garden, my appalling morals revealed. And so I am forced to explain. Pizza Hut UK has just launched a new product; an item so terrifying, so nightmarish, so clearly the product of a warped and twisted mind in matters edible, that I feel I have no choice but to try it.

I am doing this so others do not have to.

Most of the diners here today are going for the £6.99 all-you-can-eat buffet deal. Not me. I am ordering a large double pepperoni pizza with cheeseburger crust. I am consigning myself to my very own grease-stained, cheese-slicked gastronomic hell. I am doing this to shine a light on the way a deformed model of nutrition has come, in the past year, to play a key part in the debate around global food security.

Quickly it arrives. It's certainly not misnamed. The middle is standard Pizza Hut: a soft doughy base as sodden and limp as a baby's nappy after it's been worn for 10 hours. There is a scab of waxy cheese and flaps of pink salami the colour, worryingly, of a three-year-old girl's party dress. What matters is the crust. Each of the 10 slices has a loop of crisped dough and in the circular fold made by that loop there is a tiny puck of burger, four or so centimetres across and smeared with more cheese. It looks like a fairground carousel realised in food.

When I prise out one of the mini burgers, the greasy, insipid dough beneath looks like the white flesh of an open wound that's been hidden under a plaster. Do I need to tell you that the burger is a sweaty, grey orb of deathly protein? It is advertised as 100% British beef, but origin is irrelevant after this has been done to it. Those poor, poor animals. Surely they could have reached a more dignified end, perhaps by cutting out the trip to Pizza Hut altogether and going straight to landfill?

As I bite down on the meat, hot salty water leaks into my mouth. There is the fat-soaked dough, the wretched insult of the cheese sputum, and a general air of desperation and regret.

Pizza Hut UK admits that the cheeseburger crust pizza is 288 calories a slice, or 2,880 for the whole thing, well above an adult male's recommended daily calorie intake and above the previous Pizza Hut big dog. That was the BBQ meat feast stuffed crust, its doughy edges suppurating with cheap cheese, at 2,872 calories. Extrapolating from figures for that BBQ meat feast stuffed crust monstrosity, the cheeseburger crust has north of 120 grams of fat; the recommended daily limit for men is 95 grams. That could be mitigated only if the person who desperately wanted the cheeseburger crust pizza could find a friend with whom to share it. Or quite a few friends. That might prove a challenge.

 

[Dysnomia]

These pizzas that Pizza Hut will put out sometimes that I can only imagine cater directly to autists. Like the ones where the crust is mini cheeseburgers or mini hot dogs or a mac and cheese pizza. Sounds vile

Little Caesar’s is pretty gross anymore as well. I remember back in the 90s they used to be halfway decent. I’d rather go for one of those Tostinos frozen party pizzas than anything Little Caesar’s puts out now

The chain pizzas all seem too salty for me.

So I really can't pizza anymore because of the gluten. But I think anything I'd find nasty like anchovies, pineapple or putting ketchup n the damn thing would make me nope out of there fast.

 

[5574]

something that very clearly isn't the basic formula of tomato sauce, bread, and cheese. i'd say alfredo pizza is the worst off the top of my head. it's just cheese on top of cheese, and it's not right. there needs to be a nice flavor contrast, preferably between a fruit and a dairy product like tomato sauce vs cheese vs pepperonis

 

[MuuMuu Bunnylips]

Undercooked as fuck, barely 1 mm thickness of sauce on the top layer (bonus if there are big ass patches of dry dough),tiny fried nuggets of peppered cardboard called ‘sausage’, slimy ass anchovies poured on the top, banana peppers, raw clam meat and a ton of grease.

Tell your mom to stop trying to make pizza, then.

 

[Solid Snek]

These pizzas that Pizza Hut will put out sometimes that I can only imagine cater directly to autists. Like the ones where the crust is mini cheeseburgers or mini hot dogs or a mac and cheese pizza. Sounds vile

Little Caesar’s is pretty gross anymore as well. I remember back in the 90s they used to be halfway decent. I’d rather go for one of those Tostinos frozen party pizzas than anything Little Caesar’s puts out now

All chain pizza is fairly vile, unless you're stuck in a foreign county (like Missouri) and can't get anything better, or you're ten, and have crap tastebuds.

That said, there's a mom & pop, or maybe pop & creepy uncle, place near my old house that does both cheeseburger, and mac, pizzas. They're pretty good, especially the macaroni pizza rolls. It wasn't my go-to, but mac and cheese with BBQ chicken, or mac and cheese with mango habanero pulled pork, were certainly tasty!


I honestly don't know what my nightmare pizza would be. Maybe scorpions? Or jellied eel?

Spoiler: nsfl - not safe for lunch

 

[Hongourable Madisha]

My nightmare pizza is less about the toppings and more about the base. I tried Papa John's base with butternut once and it was shit, I didn't realise it was the gluten-free option so it was like a nasty floppy soft cracker rather than bread.
The worst is when people make "pizza" with things like ground-up cauliflower squashed into a patty for the base. They're trying to make pizza healthier, I get that, but you can achieve that by just using less dough and cheese and adding more vegetable toppings, or having less pizza and making up the rest of your meal with a nice salad instead, or just eating pizza less often, keep it as a treat. There's no need to make a grotesque parody of pizza, it's just miserable to eat.

 

[Grundlejungle]

The worst pizza I ever had is a tie between:
A $35 fucking dry ass, paper thin, piece of shit that took TWO FUCKING HOURS , despite the fact there was no one else dining there.
Or
A buffalo chicken pizza from the lebanese market that tasted like a fucking morgue.

My nightmare pizza would be cauliflower crust, balsamic vinaigrette sauce, american cheese, anchovies, egg, and green olives WITH pits.




This post was brought to you by the pineapple on pizza gang.

 

[Based Coffee Man]

Little Caesar's """deep-dish""" pizza. Has a half-life of about 5 minutes after it comes out of the oven and is 95% dough, a thin layer of cheese, and a gross sauce. Maybe half a dozen slices of pepperoni that have been cooked into jerky. Honest to god best part of it is the crispy part of the crust that almost-burnt against the pan.

But, you get what you pay for. Shit's dirt cheap and when I'm drunk I don't care as much.

 

[Begemot]

I'm thinking a bbq sauce base: olives, anchovies, calamari, prawns, crab. Seafood in general should not be on pizza.

 

[JosephStalin]

A pizza topped with red and green peppers. I fucking HATE peppers, of any kind. ONLY way I can stand peppers is in salsa.